Dear Sophia,
Nobody said it would be easy. This motherhood thing -- it's tough. It's tough because I care so much about this tiny human (who would be YOU) and doing what's right while not messing up and worrying that I'm missing something and realizing there's bound to be something I'm forgetting. It's a scary venture filled with self-doubt, second guessing, and the need to dig deep and hang on.
Your daddy reminded me yesterday that we all have our days. This would be our crappy, not-so-good days. Yesterday was one of yours -- which started out with you waking throughout the night, nursing on demand every 1-2 hours, refusing to nap at all during the day, and scream-crying in between (roughly 7 of the 11 hours you were up). I tried walking with you, carrying you in the sling, talking/singing to you, playing music and making you dance, lying down with you, snuggling, swaying, shushing, white noise... But you were inconsolable, and it left me with a helplessness I hadn't felt before. At one point I had to put you down so I could have a few minutes to collect myself (as in scream and cry it out). I told myself that I could handle it, up until I really couldn't. So I called in your Daddy at work for back up, and willingly handed you over when he returned from work.
I found refuge in a warm shower where the water swallowed the sound of your cries and until my fingers were nice and wrinkled. That was where I had a chance to regroup. I reminded myself that the only way you can communicate with me is to cry, to tell me that you're not feeling so great or like your silly smiley self, that at your age fussing is normal. And that I can't fix everything, even though I want to so badly.
I know this will probably be a struggle of mine throughout your life -- to protect you from harm; to want to kiss it and make it all better. And I know it's not possible, but it won't stop me from trying. There will come a day when I won't be around to tell you these things, so I want you to remember I'm never, ever giving up while I'm here and present. I just need a reset button once in awhile, and it's okay if you need one too.
Love,
Mommy
