first son

The evening before Lily's birthday, my in-laws surprised us with an engraved bench to install by the memorial.  It's been 8 years, but they never forget; they leave flowers at the twins' graves every August and have helped keep the area clear of weeds.

I find myself struggling during this time of year and it's not always readily apparent what is going on beneath the surface, even to me.  I'll catch myself feeling more easily irritable and less patient, and have to give myself pep talks before being around others.  At times, the grief can be crushing... and other times, I just want to sit and remember, and cry for my babies.

Every year that passes is another year without them, and time is elusive.

Lucas, you would have been 8 years old today.  Happy birthday, my first little man!  Oh, how I wish that you were here.  I carried your fighting spirit with me especially in this last year, and know you were cheering for me to make it through.  Your absence has taught me to be ever present, to be here with our rainbow babies, to tell them about you and Lily, to remind them of your place in our lives.  I think that you would share that same light I see in their eyes and in their smiles.  

Keep reminding us how incredibly fragile and precious this life is.  We'll sing to you, we'll pray for you, and one day we will see you and your sister again.  We love you, dear son.

big sister

TRIGGER WARNING: Image from video is of our baby born at 21 weeks who did not survive.

Around Christmas time last year, Sophia started asking more questions about Lily and Lucas. She has long understood that she has an older sister and brother, who we have talked about her whole life, and who we sing to on their birthdays. Over the years, we've seen her piece together the story of their arrivals before she was born, acknowledging that her Mommy and Daddy had lives together separate from when she had come into the picture (though still hard for her to admit), and grasping that they were real, live babies, if only for a short while. Feeling that she was ready, we decided to show her their baby books.

She had the most heartfelt, honest reaction.

Afterwards, we had a conversation about how we didn't get to see them grow up, and she said, "That's sad. They were born before me. Do you miss them?"

Every day, Sophia, every day.

It has been 8 years since I had Lily, and I still cry on her birthday. Our journey to parenthood was an extremely difficult one. I reason with myself that if we hadn't had and lost our twins, then we probably wouldn't have had our two rainbow babies, absolute miracles, in every sense. The grief of having to bury our daughter and son, though, doesn't really go away. There are no words for how the constant heartache feels. I once described it as feeling weighed down by the pressure on my chest, but on the other hand, there's an emptiness there, too.

One of my best friends has a daughter who is Lily's age. I remember how excited we were to be pregnant at the same time, thinking how cool it was that our kids would be close. I have a special place in my heart for her daughter, reminded of what Lily and Lucas would be doing today -- subjects they might be inquiring about, activities they may have participated in, and how amazing they would be as older siblings. There is no getting around the wondering about where they would be now, and how their presence has continued to shape our lives.

Happy birthday to my first baby, my pure and sweet Lily girl. I say a prayer for you and your brother every night, thanking God for his true and loving embrace, watching you as I know you are watching over us. I miss you so, so much.

two fancy

My dear Sophia,

Happy 2nd birthday, sweetie!

Today we are exploring Jim Thorpe to celebrate your birthday with a train ride and some ice cream.  It's raining, but you don't seem to mind at all -- you can always make the best out of every situation -- turn a crappy weather day around with your sunny disposition, find wonder and amusement in a new and different place.

While thinking about what I wanted to tell you today, it reminded me of this quote in the movie, The Help, which is actually based on the novel of the same name by Kathryn Stockett.  (Please read it one day).  In the movie, a slave/nanny named Aibileen tells the little girl she's raising over and over, "You is kind.  You is smart. You is important."  She says this because the girl's mother and mistreats and abuses her, and so Aibileen wants to remind her she is loved.

So today I want to tell you that you are quite amazing for a two-year-old.  Here are just a few reasons why...

You are kind.  You are sweet and tenderhearted.  I can't even count the number of times your teachers have expressed how you comfort others, hugging and kissing your friends when they're upset or crying.  You've always been very in tune with emotion since before you could speak, and will offer a hand or a warm gesture to anyone who needs it.  You love hugging all your family members, especially Bianca.  You can recognize when someone is smaller than you and will be gentle with them.  When you're mistreated, you won't fight or display anger; instead, you'll stay calm and collected.  Even with your mischievous streak, you can discern what's right and wrong and how people should be treated.

You are bright.  You have the absolute best smile -- it brightens up the room!  Your energy and joy is apparent in everything you do.  And beyond that, you're intuitive.  I know it's normal to be a sponge at this age, but the way you piece things together, your patience for building and constructing, figuring out how things work, and not forgetting a thing, is special.  You've always been able to sit quietly, absorbing a book, and these days we could read 20-30 books to you (at a minimum) and you'll ask for more.  I love watching your mind churning, and now that you're able to communicate with us, you're teaching us to see and notice things we may not have stopped to consider otherwise.

You are fun.  What an adventurous spirit!  I like that you will try everything at least once.  You're spontaenous and brave.  You can take everyday things and make them extraordinary.  You're imaginative and create games out of tupperware and mixing bowls, spices, and pot lids.  You enjoy peekaboo, whether it's pulling a blanket off your head or jumping out from behind a closet.  You run, and dance, play piano, and sing (lately it's Row, Row, Row, Your Boat).  You talk to your toys, stuffed animals, and babydoll, and will carry them with you wherever you're going.

You are loved.  You are so incredibly loved.  You talk about your family all the time, sometimes in your sleep!  Mommy and Daddy, Big Poppy and Mu, Nai-Nai and Yeh-Yeh, aunties Rach, Sarah, and Jana, Nan... the list goes on and on.  There are so many people in your life that love and care for you, and always, always remember that.

Here is to another year in your journey, and wishing you so many more laughs and adventures along the way.

Love,

Mommy

birthday note

is there anything cooler than one of your favorite authors leaving you a surprise birthday note?

no, i don't think there is.