my own counsel

i had my last counseling session tonight, and in a way it was bittersweet.  before our recent loss, going to a counselor had never been on my radar.  after hearing from my sister that counseling had helped her deal with a difficult time in her life, and through much encouragement from my husband, i decided to give it a try.  i found that by talking things out and sorting through my feelings with someone not directly involved, i was able to learn and understand more about myself which ultimately helped me work through my grief.

 

obviously, it's not over yet, but i do know that it was one of the best things i could have done at the time.  i gave myself an outlet, regularly, and with sharing my experience it allowed me to start the healing process.

 

while wrapping up the session, my counselor asked if i had felt like i was progressing, and in thinking about it i knew that i was.  she confirmed it by saying that she'd seen me allow myself to grieve the loss of our twins and re-engage in my life and move forward.  if i had asked myself 4 months ago if i could ever foresee where i am now, i wouldn't have believed that i'd be able to get through a day without lily and lucas being the predominant and recurring theme or the emptiness inside threatening to overwhelm me.

 

i thanked my counselor for how she helped me, and she in turn said that she really needed to thank me for allowing her to walk this journey with me.

 

i am hopeful again.  and i feel alittle more like myself.  i may not be exactly the same, but who ever is, really?  and that's okay.  i can live with that -- not only because i have to, but because i wouldn't change any of it.  this is the course my life has taken now, and no amount of preparing would have made a difference.

 

the realization that i'm ready to keep moving forward is comforting.  on my way home, the song i was listening to seemed very fitting (with a couple of edits):

 

I thank my sister[s] for keeping my head above the water

When the truth was like swallowing sand

Now every morning, there is no more mourning

Oh, I can finally see myself again...

 

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let [life] take me out that way

 

--Katy Perry, By the Grace of God

 

so as we gear up to say goodbye to 2013, i'm looking forward to a new year.  after all, i'm still here.