my new normal

I haven’t posted pictures of myself lately, because well, I haven’t felt like myself.  Besides dealing with the unfortunate side effects of treatments, my hair has thinned out significantly, I don’t wear a stitch of makeup, and I’m generally in PJs or some form of lounge wear (covered in spit up) all day.  When Sophia is home, I try to give her the attention she needs, but she is high energy these days -- and on the bad days, I can’t hide how going up and down the stairs feels like a feat.

But bedtime I like, because after we finish books, Sophia always pleads, "Lay with me," and on the nights that I do, we talk.  I usually ask about her day with Poppy, and she tells me about what she learned and did and ate.  Sometimes she'll bring up memories from one of the many trips we've taken in the past, and other times she'll voice her current fears and worries.

I wasn't expecting the conversation she sprung on me tonight.

"Mommy, I love you just the way you are."

"Thanks baby."

"I don't want you to die.  Are you going to die?"

"Well... I will die someday.  But I hope to live for a long time to be with you."

"Yes, because you need to take care of me."

I don't know why, but hearing those words from her hit me harder than when my oncologist basically told me the same thing at my first visit; that I had a find a way to focus on myself and my health now to be there for my kids in the future.  Maybe it's because at not quite 5 years old, I realize that my daughter has very real fears of me dying -- that perhaps seeing me struggle physically has affected her in ways that I have not been able to shield her from.

Still, I hope that she sees the other side of me, too.  The side that is trying my best to hold it together to keep some semblance of the routine she's used to; the side that pushes through with a resolve and a strength I didn't know I possessed.  If there's one thing that being diagnosed with cancer shows you, it's a reminder that we have one life to live and not to take it for granted, ever.

I know that with time she will probably notice these things, and if not now, then when she is older.  And yes, I hope that I will eventually feel like myself again.  Well, not exactly.  What I do hope is that I will feel like a better me soon.