unpregnant

i've been blessed with a fairly breezy pregnancy.  i didn't have any morning sickness, and despite being completely wiped out for the majority of the first trimester and my boobs blowing up even more than i could imagine, i have no major complaints.  people tell me i'm lucky, and i know i am, but not experiencing those common symptoms makes me anxious, like i'm missing some kind of connection.  having those symptoms, i feel, would almost be like reassurance of my body functioning the way it's supposed to... but lack of those symptoms makes me almost feel unpregnant, as crazy as that sounds.

 

although it doesn't do much to alleviate my fears, the facts are there: becoming pregnant as a result of IVF already places you in a high-risk category, and being pregnant with multiples increases that risk.

 

when we first found out we were pregnant at just 4 weeks, we were monitored by IVF on a weekly basis until we were discharged at 8 weeks.  that meant we received ultrasounds every week.  now that i'm being followed by maternal fetal medicine and my OB, the visits and ultrasounds are monthly.  the time between visits feels like torture.  and even after the visit, i'm happy and relieved for maybe a day or two before the cycle starts all over again.

 

i asked my twinnie if she experienced the same type of anxiety since she miscarried at 9 weeks.  she said that she was cautious during her entire pregnancy because of what her and her husband had gone through.  luckily she had a safe and uneventful pregnancy and now has a beautiful baby girl.  hearing that, it calmed me some, because it always feels better knowing you're not alone.

 

maybe (well, probably) i'll never stop worrying.  i am my mother's daughter after all.  but perhaps that is part of motherhood -- wanting and hoping for the best for your children, for them to be safe and warm and happy.

saved by the ring

i am hit on in the most random places.  this time it was in a wawa check-out line.

 

the guy let me go ahead of him, which seemed like a nice gesture, until he stepped way into my personal space.  he then proceeded to lean in and make a "witty" remark, to which i really had no response to.  he continued by nudging me, while i silently pleaded with the cashier to hurry it up.  as i was swiping my card, he immediately backed off.

 

"hey, i didn't mean any disrespect... i see you have a ring on."

 

he then started apologizing profusely, as if my husband had just walked into the store.  i'd never seen anyone do a 180 like that.

 

saved by the ring!

in my professional opinion...

working in health information management has become an invaluable resource in navigating my own health care.  understanding my insurance coverage, finding the right practitioners, recognizing diagnosis and procedure codes on my bills, maintaining my personal health record and keeping track of my family medical history, confirming what tests i should or shouldn't be getting, questioning when i shouldn't be charged for my medical records... being my own patient advocate has never been this important.

turned on

i recently was "turned on" to the kathleen turner series by tiffany a. snow.  the first book, no turning back, was a kindle freebie, and i finished it within a day.  i downloaded the next two, turn to me, and turning point, the very next day.  i ended up breezing through the whole series in 3 days, as i literally could not put them down.  the books are categorized as romantic suspense, a genre i wouldn't say i've touched before, but exactly as described.  the characters are real, entertaining, and flawed.  the plotlines are exciting, dramatic, over the top, and action-packed.  the author has a way of making you laugh out loud while also depicting some very serious topics, more serious than expected at first glance.  spice it up with some sexy scenes, and you've got a recipe for an all-nighter... or two... or three.

 

as with all of my guilty pleasure books, there is the presence of a complicated love triangle (of course), and actually THE best love triangle i've ever seen developed.  normally, i have a strong inkling about which team i want to jump on, but i keep vacillating between the main character's relationships with each guy.  at this point, i'm unsure who the main character is going to choose, or even if she will be choosing either.  the characters and relationships are layered and complex, so much so that i haven't been able to get them out of my head... and have started re-reading the series again from book one, if only to keep the connection i've developed for them going.

 

book 4, out of turn, is currently in the works, and there is going to be a fifth book to finish out the series.  i honestly can't wait.. to be turned on again.

just because

i've always loved giving and receiving cards.  this afternoon, i received one in the mail that i wasn't expecting, the kind that was sent to say, "hey, i'm thinking of you," or "this reminded me of you."  it instantly put a smile to my face and warmed my heart.

 

a good friend sends a card.  a best friend sends a card just because.

alight

ever have one of those days where you just want to grab ahold of something that makes sense?  that through the muddle and fog of the "stuff" that comes with life, you want to find a listening ear, a piece of text, anything that can capture just an ounce of what you're feeling?  to feel that you're being understood, that you're being seen?  to know that you're not the only one who's going through it, even though at the time you do really feel completely alone?

 

well, i did.  today.  a blue day.

 

i was searching through my wallet for a receipt, a mindless task, when i came across one of the little messages i had kept from a fortune cookie (i have them all over the place, because they've become more like inspirational quotes, rather than fortunes):

 

"Never fear shadows.  They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."

 

it did make me pause for a second.  but at the time, i wasn't looking for inspiration.  i was looking for a distraction.

 

and then tonight, it hit me.  i've heard so many variations of that verse...

 

"It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars."  --Richard Evans
 

“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”  --Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

“I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars.”  --Stephenie Meyer

 

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.” --George Iles

 

suddenly, i didn't feel so alone.

 

and then i realized, things will look muddled if i want them to be.  but sometimes it's crystal clear.  we just need to want to see it.

refueled

i stopped at wawa on my way home to fill up my tank, and when i was almost done refueling, i heard someone at the adjoining pump say, "excuse me, ma'am."  when i didn't respond, i heard it repeated and looked over to find a guy who appeared to be about my age and dressed similarly addressing me.

 

"do you mind me asking what year your car is?"

 

you'd think the question would catch me off guard, but that wasn't the reason it took me a beat to remember what year it was.  (it was because i had to stifle a laugh, since my husband was asked about his car at a gas station a couple of weeks ago, and his random conversation with a stranger also started out just like this).

 

i told him what year it was, and he asked me if i had any major problems with it and i said no, that i was quickly approaching 200,000 miles and besides regular maintainance have had no complaints (except for silly little things that were entirely fixable... knock on wood).  he responded that his wife and he were looking at the older models, because he didn't like the shape of the newer ones, to which i agreed.

 

then he commented on how i must drive alot, and i said that i've been commuting for several years and just recently moved into the area to hopefully lessen that.  we started talking about where i moved from, and then our jobs and line of work.  after several minutes, he said it was nice to meet me, and introduced himself and shook my hand.

 

as i got ready to get back into my car, he asked me if my husband and i enjoyed professional networking, as he and his wife participated in/knew of groups in healthcare.  we ended up swapping information and shook hands again.

 

after the exchange, i immediately called my husband and relayed the events, still finding it humorous that he'd had a similar encounter himself, also at a wawa.  my hubbie didn't seem all too pleased, which i can understand.  i'd given my info to a complete stranger.  but, probably after seeing the worried expression cross my face, hubbie remarked that he was sure i would have been able to tell if something was amiss.  i replayed the conversation in my head, and the more i thought about it, the more it began to scare me.  it had seemed like a harmless thing to do, he had seemed nice enough... and yes, i was a good judge of character!  had i really been too trusting in my fellow man?  perhaps.  or a bit naive?  maybe.

 

but you know what?  i'd rather believe that it's possible some people are just nice, and not every random stranger that strikes up a conversation in a public place is a creepster.  i'd like to think that connections can be built anywhere (even at gas stations), and that wawa generally is a friendly place.

 

it's either look at it that way... or... draw my curtains, stay away from windows, turn off the lights, turn on the alarm, and hide in my very private house tucked away in the woods, where no one can find me.