ninth

Every August 27th for the past 9 years, the ache is there, more pronounced than usual.  I pray for all of our kids every day, and Lily, she was the first.  Our sweet girl.

My best friend, who always remembers, gave me flowers the other night and I could barely stop the tears.  She knows how hard this week always is for Anthony and me.  I told her I was pregnant before I told my parents.  She was there after my water broke and I was on strict bedrest.  She was there after we came home from the hospital without our twins.  So, she knows just what I need... for our children to be remembered.

I'm currently reading Out of the Clear Blue Sky by my favorite author, Kristan Higgins, who captures what it feels like to lose a child so beautifully:

"These things happen.  Oh, they happen all the time.  Everyone's life--especially every woman's life--is marked by something like this, it seems.  Miscarriage, infertility, breast or ovarian or uterine cancer.  It's so personal when our female parts fail us in some way.  So hard not to think that we--that I--had caused this, should've known, should've done something.

...Because she was born after twenty weeks' gestation, my daughter got a fetal death certificate, which meant she needed a name.  We could have left that part blank, but it seemed so cruel not to name her.  But we hadn't settled on one yet, and oh, the deep, aching pain of naming a child who was already gone.  The tragedy of it all.  The absolute, wrenching grief.

...And still, I thought of my poor little baby every day.  I'd held her there in the ambulance....I'd memorized her perfect face.  Every year on the first of December, the day I'd lost her, Brad would bring me flowers, and I'd cry a little (or a lot), remembering the fear and love and grief so pure it was like a scalpel, slicing my heart in half.

But you keep going.  The memory is there every day, but the days grow and multiply until it's years and years.  Her story was so brief, and after a while, there was nothing new to say.  She was branded on my heart, and she always would be.  It became my private loss, spoken of no more.  Brad had lost her, too, but he hadn't grown her inside him, felt every wriggle and kick; hadn't known my secret fear; hadn't seen all that blood or felt her tiny body slide out of me, even as I fought to keep her inside.

...I missed my girl in a way that still surprised me.  That after five years, ten years, twelve, I could still sob, alone in the downstairs bathroom, for my lost little girl.

...We would be best friends, my sweet girl and I....She would be smart and kind and helpful....Popcorn and movie nights, walks around the kettle ponds, kayaking, cooking, baking, laughing.  School events, her friends filling the house with the sound of their laughter...

My daughter would be my closest ally, and I would be hers...She'd lean her head against my shoulder and say, "You're my best friend, Mommy."

The longing...it never goes away.  My little girl.  How wonderful she would have been."

--Kristan Higgins, Out of the Clear Blue Sky

Yes, how wonderful our sweet Lily would have been.  We love you, baby girl.

floor plan

while hubbie was out in the yard today, my bff came over to help me tear up the floor -- literally.  

our house was built in 1989, and hubbie and i are pretty sure the linoleum tiles were put down by the original owners.  being that it's 25 years later, the tiles have been gradually chipping to the point where even i felt the need to do something.  we have many items on the DIY home improvement list, but as neither of us are particularly handy, this is probably one of our biggest projects to date.

i could tell hubbie was pretty skeptical about how much my bff and i would accomplish.  when i mentioned that we'd need to move the refrigerator out of the way, he eyed the floor and pretty much said we'd get to that when the time came.

but i was a woman on a mission, and my bff came to work.  the scraping, hammering, prying, and chipping was therapeutic.  within a few hours, we had most of the floor up.  when hubbie came in to check on us, he seemed a bit surprised by the progress -- but true to his word, he moved the fridge and jumped in to help.

so part 1 of the project is done!  more to come...

just because

i've always loved giving and receiving cards.  this afternoon, i received one in the mail that i wasn't expecting, the kind that was sent to say, "hey, i'm thinking of you," or "this reminded me of you."  it instantly put a smile to my face and warmed my heart.

 

a good friend sends a card.  a best friend sends a card just because.

chopped

so... drumroll, please... this morning i chopped it all off!  yes, my hair!  it's now 10 inches shorter and feels super light.

(to read about my decision to donate to locks of love, go here).

i made it through the summer and most of winter without getting it cut, and although i didn't have a set timetable in mind, something told me it was time.  i loved my long hair but it was getting harder to manage (especially when it's cold and i need to blowdry it every morning).  i was also afraid that if i waited any longer that i wouldn't be able to bring myself to actually cut it.  so i called a bunch of salons and found out that hair cuttery would cut and mail out my hair for me.  now that i had a location, i just needed a day.

when i asked my bff when she would be free to come to my hair appointment for moral support, she asked me if i was sure.  i told her i was (or at least, i thought i was).  so we set the date and tentative meeting time, and all that was left to do was to make sure i showed up.

i felt increasingly anxious last night into this morning and even more so as i waited for my turn.  once in the chair though, i was ready.

ready...

set...

go!

my stylist asked me if i was ready before my first cut, and with one quick snip.. it was done.  there were others in the salon at the same time who asked me if i was donating to locks of love, and when i said yes there were comments about what a great organization and charity it was.  that was what made the whole process easier for me: the thought of my hair going to a disadvantaged child.

afterwards, my bff and i went for an impromptu lunch.  special thanks to her for helping me keep it together.

my hair hasn't been this short since i was 16, which was 15 years ago!  i do have to say that the whole experience was quite liberating.

birthday best

today is my bff's birthday, and just when she thought i couldn't find any other way to wish her a happy birthday (besides texting, e-mailing, fb messaging, and calling), guess again!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

i've often asked myself what i'd do without my bff and find that it's something i never want to answer.  what would i do without someone who can make me laugh until my sides hurt?  what would i do without our regular e-mails or silly messages or inside jokes?  what would i do without a person who jots down lists of things she has to ask/tell me and saves them for the next time she sees me?  what would i do without a friend that sits outside for hours after a movie just to talk and make sure i'm okay?  what would i do without her constant support (sometimes which requires her naturally more outgoing self to push me forward) and faith in me?  what would i do without someone to cause a scene with when picking up the check?  what would i do without her honesty and humor and generosity and thoughtfulness?

see, it's impossible to imagine my life without her.  i'd be, simply, incomplete.

happy birthday not only to a great friend, but the BEST one a girl could have.  may we celebrate many more together and remember them all when we're very old and very grey.

toast life

my bff's birthday is on monday, so my SIL and i (tripod!) took her out for some pre-birthday sushi and then decided to take a stroll down south street.  it was a bit chilly, but we braved the cold for an hour or so to walk off our feast of a meal and do some window shopping.  none of us had been down in that area for several years, and the consensus between us was that we had grown out of it.  south street had always been a lively, festive place to go in high school and college, but i suppose we are well past that now.  still, it wasn't a bad way to end the night.

my bff claimed her upcoming birthday isn't a milestone so we didn't have to go out of our way to celebrate.  i told her that every birthday should be special.. none of that "another year, another birthday" crap!  i feel that we should always find something to commemorate or get together for.  my mom taught me well.

and since i love finding things with my name on it, there should always be a place for some silly posing in my book, too.

starstruck

in june of 2008, my sister and i took a week-long trip to paris, just the 2 of us.  she lugged 3 books across the atlantic in her carry-on, none of which i'd heard before and all by emily giffin: something borrowed, something blue, and love the one you're with.  she told me i HAD to start reading the pink book (something borrowed), but i was in the middle of something else, so said i would start it as soon as i was done.

i don't think i started sobo until one of our first nights in paris after a long day of sight-seeing, and by the end of the first chapter, i was hooked.  i would read once we were back at the hotel each night on vacation (alongside my sister who was equally addicted, reading soblue and then moving on to love the one you're with).  one night i actually stayed up until dawn to finish while she had fallen asleep with the green book at her side.  yes, it was that hard to put down.  and the second i finished sobo, i jumped into soblue.  i devoured it on our plane ride home.

right after our trip, i read love the one you're with, and have picked up all of giffin's novels to date, with baby proof as my favorite.  i think what i like about her books is that they are relationship-driven, which is my writing style, and she creates characters that are relatable and believable.  you could picture them walking down the street.  you could picture yourself being friends with them.  and the premise and themes of her books ask universal questions: is there a dealbreaker when it comes to love?  what happens when the one who got away comes back into your life?

fast forward to last week.  during my commute home, i noticed one of the digital billboards bearing emily giffin's name.  she's going to be here on november 3rd?  in my town?!  since i follow her on facebook, i knew she was currently in poland, so i googled it that night just to be sure.  apparently she would be the keynote speaker at a women's event in my area, talking about how she had made her writing dreams into reality.  i decided that i had to go and meet her and especially because i needed to hear what she had to say.

i was ridiculously excited all day, knowing i'd have the chance to meet emily tonight.  her speech was incredibly inspiring, and despite the hundreds of women there, it felt like an intimate conversation with a close girlfriend, the way she joked around and diverted to little stories from her personal life.  like the time her best friend, who was married with 3 kids, was in some kind of a funk, she wondered outloud what would have happened if she'd married her ex and moved to france to be with him.  later, when emily and her husband were in france, she convinced him to drive 2.5 hours west of paris to a tiny town with a "population of 42," finally confessing to him once they were there that she wanted to track down her best friend's "one who got away."  after emily's expert stalking (according to her, which even involved microfiche), they were able to find the ex's house.  she directed her husband to "point and shoot!" when she planned to knock on the door and ask for directions, feigning that they were lost.  both her bff's ex and his wife/lover had come to the door looking disheveled and emily's husband had done his job capturing it.  she called her best friend as soon as she was within cell phone range to tell her what she'd done, and had the pictures to prove it.  her best friend had started crying then, saying no one had ever done anything that nice for her before.

(it reminded me of my bff and the stories we tell each other, our musings, our discussions.  and i thought, i'd totally do something like that for her if i had the chance).

after her presentation, i went to the bathroom where emily happened to be, getting ready to go talk to the media.  i was so starstruck that it took me a few seconds to realize it was really her standing right next to me.  i didn't know what to say.  before i could decide what to do, she said hello and at least i had the good sense to manage a reply.

as we approached the book signing table, i became more and more nervous.  what the heck do i say to her?  would she take a picture with me?  i have never met an author before, especially one of my favorites.  my thoughts were racing and thankfully i had a friend there to calm me down.  for a writer (emily's definition of a 'writer' is anyone who writes or enjoys writing), meeting an author is equivalent to meeting your favorite actor/actress.  or your favorite musician.  or as my husband says, a favorite athlete or sports hero.

and then it was my turn and i was standing right in front of her.  i told her i loved all her books, baby proof being my favorite.  then i asked if something borrowed would be made into a movie, which she then asked if i meant something blue.  oops, of course that's what i meant!  i was just too excited, literally shaking, completely gushing.  and in the few minutes i had with her she seemed so... humble, and now i love her even more.  she even posed for a picture with me!

i was so elated afterwards that i hardly remembered the drive home, and once i was in the house i couldn't stop smiling, feeling charged.

so thanks emily, for sharing your stories with us and being a true inspiration.  and special thanks to my sister who introduced me to her writing in the first place!

hail to lazy sundays

oh, lazy sunday, how i've missed you.  thank you for a day free of appointments, engagements, and responsbility.  thank you for allowing me a morning to sleep in, an afternoon of bad movies on TV, and an evening of internet surfing.  my only regret is that when my bff called, i couldn't even bring myself out to enjoy the warm weather, not even to go shopping of all things.  ah, but you are forgiving, my lazy sunday.  my reward was a day spent in pajamas, with no judgment from you.

looks like tomorrow will be a manic monday... but i won't forget you, lazy sunday.

a day of do-gooding

i was up at 5 this morning for the heart walk (which went smoothly), so by about 2 p.m. when we made it home, my husband and i were both exhausted.  we decided to nap because we had another benefit to attend at 6.  ("a day of do-gooding," my SIL called it).

the fundraiser was for a wild bird rehabilitation clinic where my bff volunteers.  there were basket/gift raffles and silent auctions for trips, golf, restaurants, jewelry, etc.  out of all the goodies available, my husband was set on winning the 2 bottles of local honey.

when it came time to pull the winners, we stood up front because my husband was anxiously awaiting the result of the honey raffle.  luckily, he won, so i went up to retrieve the bottles.  he clung to them for the rest of the night, ridiculously happy.  it was all that we won, but all that he wanted anyway.

i love that the smallest things make him happy.

squeeze

best friends give the best hugs.

slow as molasses

a couple hours before i went to bed last night, my lower back tightened up.  knowing this feeling well, i hoped that a good night's sleep would cure the stiffness and that i'd be able to go for our run (especially after it had been delayed yet another day).

when i awoke, i was well enough to get myself up, dressed, into the car, and onto the trail, until i started running.  every bounce would cause the muscles in my back to ache.  my husband breezed by me to tell me i was doing well, but i told him i was in pain.  he told me to walk if i needed to.  i was hesitant to stop, fearing that i wouldn't be able to start up again, but i heard my bff's voice in my head: "take it easy, you don't want to be out of commission for another week."  so i decided to do this silly half-jog/half-walk (which i'm sure was much slower than a fast walk) to put more weight on my legs and less on my back.  i was slow as molasses (another thing my bff would say) but at least i wasn't quitting.

my husband passed me at the mile marker but i managed to turn around and make it the entire mile back within the allotted time, even going as slow as i was.

i've managed to surprise myself alot lately, and i like it.

exit zero

cape may is exit 0 off the garden state parkway.  for me, it is alittle like being... nowhere.  the feel is relaxed and comfortable, even in the middle of town and despite the crowds during the peak of summer.

we were lucky enough to be down here on a terrific, sunny day, spending the leisurely hours with friends.  we took a walk to the beach, a trip to the dock to watch people crabbing (first time for me) and painting, a stroll into town for some window shopping and an ice cream cone.  it was a nice retreat, although i would have liked to stay longer than i could.

for someone that's not a beach person, i've sure found myself there alot this year!

glee live = live glee

concert parking: $15.

bff scoring tickets a week before the performance: $115.

enjoying a night with thousands of other gleeks: priceless.