my momma

When I was in high school, my mom signed me up to volunteer at our local hospital.  As a painfully shy teenager, the thought of caring for strangers was equally dreadful and terrifying.  She told me, in no uncertain terms, to suck it up, because it would be a valuable and memorable experience.  It not only cracked open my shell but sparked my interest in healthcare and helping people.

She knew when it was time to let me go.

A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She accepted it even before the family fully had, and navigated her journey head-on from surgery to recovery the same way she does everything -- with conviction, fearlessness, and optimism.

She showed me that hope can be stronger than fear.

Late last summer, my husband and I unexpectedly lost our twins at 21 weeks.  My mom was the one who was home with me when my daughter was born, who helped perform CPR on my baby, who rode with me to the hospital, who stayed nearby for the next 3 days before I gave birth to my son.  She was also the one who was there after, to cook for me, to accompany me on walks, to take me out, to help me feel like myself again.  And she was the person to urge me to talk about it, to cry with me, to share my grief, and to pull me out of my sorrow so that I could begin to heal.

That's when I realized that inspiration doesn't always shine through facing life's struggles.  It's about kindness, and empathy, and unconditional love.

So Happy Mother's Day to one exceptional mother -- one who knows when to give me a nudge, who reminds me of my blessings, who embraces me when I need it.

homefree

word of my aunt's passing spread like wildfire through my mom's family as news generally does, across miles, across countries, across the pacific.  but this time it was different.  it wasn't another wedding, or baby, or successful business venture.  it wasn't anything to congratulate anyone about.  it wasn't even anything to smile about.  it was simply very sad.

i called my mom, and she was her usual pragmatic self when it comes to these situations, plans to fly back to taiwan already set in motion.  i found myself listening to her reflect upon the last 30 hours of my aunt's life, and the last time she spoke to her sister which actually was while she was in the recovery room with me.  i hadn't realized at the time that the phonecall she had received was from her brother who was with my aunt in the hospital.  i was grateful that my mom had had that precious, precious time with her, even though my aunt had been unable to cognitively respond.

though news of her diagnosis only came a week ago and the prognosis was not good, i was still surprised by how quickly the disease had progressed.  how quickly she was gone.  it was like before i had the chance to even fully understand the magnitude of the situation, it was already too late.

unfortunately, with me growing up in the u.s. and my aunt living overseas, i never really had the chance to know her.  the last time i saw her, thankfully, was my visit to taiwan a couple of years ago, and she embraced my husband and me, using the little bit of english she knew.  though she has been unwell most of my life and sadly most of hers, she found a way to make us smile, just happy we were there and happy she could see us.  and that is how i'll remember her.

i also hold another memory close, not of mine, but of my mom's.  she spoke fondly of my aunt, saying that when they were growing up that she was so carefree, uncaring of what others thought of her, always going with the flow.  and so, my dear aunt, i'm happy you are free again, no longer suffering, and smiling down upon our family where you are.

may you rest in peace always.

under pressure

two nights ago, i found myself going to bed with a tightness in my chest that i hadn't felt before.  i could only attribute this to stress, because the pressure i place on myself is tremendous -- i believe that i can physically make myself sick from worrying.  my mom is probably the top worrier in my family (she is currently traveling but sends me long text messages which still have the same effect as if she were still local and not halfway across the world), but i know i don't fall too far behind.

one of the things that was on my list (and looming) was to complete the second module of this online book-writing workshop i've been taking.  i chose my own deadline, but true to form, i started later than i should have so had to combat alot of writing in a short amount of time.  every time, i ask myself, why i do this??? but come up with nothing.  what can i really say when it gets to that point?  so i learn to cope.

anyway, the module was completed and on time (hooray!), which is also true to form, and then i had to redirect my attention to a number of appointments i had today.  it felt like a very long day, but once everything was concluded, the weight (and tightness in my chest) really lifted.  on my drive home, i enjoyed the sunset, witnessing the clouds in the sky go from streaks of white to pink, the sun a glowing, descending, orange ball.  it was truly beautiful.  (i've recently concluded that winter skies are the most magnificent).  i finally felt a bit of the peace i've been searching for, and am happy to report the chest pains have subsided.

and now on to the next thing to worry about... (just kidding, well, sort of).

toast life

my bff's birthday is on monday, so my SIL and i (tripod!) took her out for some pre-birthday sushi and then decided to take a stroll down south street.  it was a bit chilly, but we braved the cold for an hour or so to walk off our feast of a meal and do some window shopping.  none of us had been down in that area for several years, and the consensus between us was that we had grown out of it.  south street had always been a lively, festive place to go in high school and college, but i suppose we are well past that now.  still, it wasn't a bad way to end the night.

my bff claimed her upcoming birthday isn't a milestone so we didn't have to go out of our way to celebrate.  i told her that every birthday should be special.. none of that "another year, another birthday" crap!  i feel that we should always find something to commemorate or get together for.  my mom taught me well.

and since i love finding things with my name on it, there should always be a place for some silly posing in my book, too.

shore tour

today nan took us (with our parents) on a tour of the northern NJ shore.  we started out at the mount mitchell scenic overlook, the highest natural elevation on the atlantic seaboard, providing amazing views of sandy hook and NYC.  then we visited the twin lights, learned about the invention of the fresnel lens, and climbed up the south tower for another overhead look.  we rounded up the tour at fort hancock, a peak inside the lighthouse, a walk through the mortar battery, and a drive past the barracks.  we were blessed with great weather, so time passed unnoticed. 

i like seeing the easy relationship and friendly conversations that pass between both sets of parents and nan.  i really have my mom to thank for that.  we're lucky to have such a close-knit extended family, and i say 'lucky' because i know it's not always the same for others.

"the love of a family is life's greatest blessing."  --unknown

view of sandy hook from mount mitchell scenic overlook

nyc skyline

original fresnel lens used in the twin lights lighthouse

view from atop the south tower of the twin lights

fort hancock lighthouse



cash in

when it comes to saving money, i have no shame.  even after scoring a good price, if i return to the store and discover an even better one, i won't be satisfied until i've cashed in on that deal also.  making this happen can be time-consuming and alittle tricky, so i've found other methods to stretch my dollar.  the simplest being just asking.  what's the worst that could happen anyway, being told "no"?

i went to the store today armed with a bogo coupon plus an additional 15% off.  it sounded like a steal and i was happy with my purchase.  later though, i noticed a 20% off coupon via the company's facebook page and judging by the comments, i wasn't the only one that was now disappointed with just the 15% off.  but someone stated that they had received a 30% off coupon via e-mail, so that was all i needed to do some searching of my own.

i found the 30% off coupon easily and only hesitated about a minute before dialing the store and brazenly asking if they would honor it.  they said yes, and with a quick trip back to the store with my receipt and coupon in hand, i had doubled my savings.

this was such a mom thing to do and i used to be slightly embarrassed by how brash my mother would be with bargaining.  but once i started on my own salary i realized, what's the harm in it?  seriously, it's not hurting anyone by asking, except for maybe yourself.

ask and you shall receive.

ESP

the weirdest thing happened to me this afternoon.  it had been a typical day so far, no major items to report.  i was sitting at my desk at work and my mind suddenly wrapped around the phrase, "God is good."  i wasn't praying; i wasn't thinking about much of anything (except for the e-mail i was writing), but this phrase kept popping up, almost like a chant.  i thought, yes, it's true, God is good.  despite my troubles, namely those as of late, my life is blessed.  i have no complaints.  this thought was comforting; i even smiled.

a buzz woke me from my reverie.  it was my phone.  a text from my sister.  she explained that her and my mom had been in a head-on collision and the car was totalled.  they were both okay and were in the ER getting checked out.

i called immediately and my sister's voice on the other end was subdued.  she said the car that hit them literally came out of nowhere.  i asked if the airbags had deployed, and she said yes.  she still sounded a bit shell-shocked.

my mom got on the phone next.  the first words out of her mouth were that if she hadn't had airbags, she was sure she'd be dead.  and my sister too.  i asked her if they both had had their seatbelts on.  she said of course, and mentioned how we had just been discussing seatbelts and airbags only 2 days ago.

on saturday, anthony and i ran into the store manager of a discount grocery store we frequent at a farmer's market.  she has become a friend of the family over the years so we were catching up.  somehow our conversation moved to the topic of seatbelts.  she admitted that she didn't wear hers anymore because she had been in a bad accident years before where the force from the airbag deploying had caused her seatbelt to hit her in the face.  my husband and i both pointed out that the reason she probably was standing there today was most likely due in part to the seatbelt, so it was silly not to wear it for that reason.

we saw my parents shortly after that meeting, and i mentioned the seatbelt debate to them.  we discussed our feelings on the subject (wear your seatbelt!), started talking about airbags, and moved on to other topics.

it's a strange coincidence that we had just been conversing about the very things that came into play a couple days later.  believe what you want, but that was a sure sign to me.

and what can explain the "God is good" chorus in my head?  maybe ESP.  i wouldn't be surprised if my sister and mom were both thinking that after their accident.  and somehow, across the miles, i could hear them.

circle of trust

my mom, being the planner that she is, likes to coordinate family get-togethers.  i am not just talking about immediate family though.  after only a few months of dating my husband, she asked if she could meet his parents.  my husband said sure, after we'd be dating a year.  and in true form, right after our one-year anniversary, she asked to set it up, and we (somewhat hesitantly) agreed.

soon afterward, there was a meeting arranged for our families, this time with our sisters involved.  it wasn't long before our parents started alternating when to take the other set out, and as my husband and i moved forward with our relationship, so did our families in theirs.

these days, my parents and his parents (and his grandmother) will plan dinners or outings together, sometimes without us.  they'll exchange presents for holidays and birthdays, call and e-mail each other.  in fact, one time my husband and i were over his parents when my mom's number popped up on the caller ID.  the funny thing was that she didn't even know we were there at the time.  and recently, we met my family for lunch, not knowing that my husband's grandmother would be there, but pleasantly surprised that she was.

i know this is not really typical for in-law families to be as close as we are, just based on hearing the stories my friends and coworkers tell me about.  they feel lucky if they even get along with their in-laws, let alone their in-laws' families.

so our families have become a solid unit, a tight-knit family.  if something happens to my sister, my SIL will know, and vice versa.  if something happens to one of my parents, my in-laws will be there.  and vice versa.

i remember when my husband and i had reached the one-year mark, and our reluctance to have our parents meet.  it wasn't that we weren't committed or that we didn't see a future.  it was alittle bit of fear, alittle bit of uncertainty.  alittle bit of worry if things didn't turn out like we hoped.  but my mom felt none of that.  she wasn't fearful or uncertain, and the only anxiety she had was probably about the family i would one day be marrying into, which is why she did what she did.

sometimes i don't give my mom enough credit.  but i have her to thank for this, because this bond, this closeness we have would not be present today without her and that first meeting years ago.

home cooking

a coworker gave me some spring onions from her garden, so i decided to try my hand at making spring onion pancakes from scratch.  they turned out pretty good for my first batch, but i'll probably need to make them a few more times before i'm satisfied.. that is, if i make another attempt.

spring onion or scallion pancakes remind me so much of my mom.  i don't think she actually ever made them from scratch, but she always liked heating some up for us in a pan as a snack.  whatever she makes always has that "mom" touch, like her signature.  the same goes for my dad too... his fried eggs or salmon dish that i can almost taste as i'm typing this.  there's always something about homemade cooking from your parents that can not be duplicated.  i don't know how many times i've tried to make something that my mom or dad has, and it just doesn't taste the same.  it's similar, but there's always something missing.

i've asked my mom over the years for recipes, but like any mother would tell you, there really aren't any.  it's all by memory and taste.  she's tried to put together recipes for me with portions and amounts, but no matter how precisely i measure or how much i compensate, it turns out different.  i can't put my finger on what it is, but i know enough to know that it's not my mom's.

maybe the reason is because i know who it's coming from, the love and care that's put into the food, not only to provide nutrition and sustenance to my body, but to nurture and sustain my life.