the road

i went to my first specialist appointment yesterday.  i'll spare you the details, but basically i was given a timeline of at least 6 months for me to receive the treatment i need to get me on track to where i need to be, before the specialist and i can even begin to tackle the next daunting issue on the list.  you'd think that this news would be comforting in a way, after 2 long years of struggling from appointment to appointment, but i was struck with a feeling of hopelessness that i could not shake all day.  my husband on the other hand, re-discovered his old self that had been lost for awhile, feeling a bothersome weight lifted because we were finally given an expected timeline.  this was yet another example of us naturally balancing each other out.

i once watched this movie called the road starring viggo mortensen.  it's a post-apocalyptic story about a man and his son's battle to survive as they travel south where they believe it is warm -- not knowing what they will really find there.  it's a heavy tale filled with despair, but the glimmer of hope the father holds onto is to get his son to safety.

my problems can not really compare to a drama like that, but it's scary to think that arriving to the point where we are now is only the beginning of a seemingly long road ahead.  sometimes, like yesterday, i feel powerless and distraught; other times, i'm okay, trudging forward.  i remind myself that we've made it this far and that it's just part of the journey.

my sister gave me some great advice that really comforted my heart: "I think that if anything, this current struggle will become a part of your wonderful love story. Everything in life's a process. God says so often in Scripture, "Do not be discouraged," and "Do not be afraid." So don't be discouraged, and most of all, He'll help you because God helps those who mourn."

thanks sis.

sister love

i am truly blessed to have 2 wonderful, caring sisters.  i know i can count on them when i need them, even when we're miles apart.  they lift me up and keep me level.  i trust them wholeheartedly because they will always have my back, no questions asked.  i have often felt that both of them are wise beyond their years, able to pull me out of my funks with sound advice and understanding.

they can send me cute messages minutes apart from the other without knowing it, bringing my smile back by a simple picture (captions not needed).  they're able to do this because we're always connected, like one big, unbreakable triangle, reaching out and closing the distance between us.

midnight madness

after a delicious thanksgiving feast (and what a feast it was!), my sisters, cousin, and i stayed up to check out the black friday deals at target. the doors were set to open at midnight so we arrived a few minutes afterward, assuming that the lines wouldn't be bad based on previous years when we went at 5 a.m. once we made it into the parking lot, we quickly discovered how wrong we had been -- the line stretched from the door down the street and there were literally people everywhere. (it appears that we're not the only crazies who'd rather stay up thanksgiving night instead of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn). we made it into the store quicker than we expected to though, only to be greeted by another line inside that was apparently for electronics. thankfully we weren't looking for any of that. we navigated the crowd as best we could, seeking items to cross off our christmas shopping lists.

when i was standing in one of the aisles, i heard someone call my name. the voice belonged to a childhood friend of mine that i probably haven't seen in close in 15 years! i was surprised she recognized me since i was wearing my glasses, but she looked exactly the same so maybe i haven't changed much in her eyes either. my mom runs into my old friends more often than i do since her and my dad moved back to our hometown, and she told me so. we chatted fairly easily as if we see each other on a regular basis. it was some kind of fluke that we ended up in the same store, in the same aisle, at the same moment.

after about an hour and a half of shopping, my sisters and i started towards check-out which wrapped around from the back of the store and around the aisles until we were assigned a cashier. the whole process took about 40 minutes of waiting, plus another 5 or so in guest services for a price adjustment since i noticed i had been overcharged. once we left the store, all of us were too tired and too shopped out to go anywhere else. was it worth it, though? i ask myself that every year and the answer is always yes. not solely because of the deals i score but because of the time spent with the sisters.

starstruck

in june of 2008, my sister and i took a week-long trip to paris, just the 2 of us.  she lugged 3 books across the atlantic in her carry-on, none of which i'd heard before and all by emily giffin: something borrowed, something blue, and love the one you're with.  she told me i HAD to start reading the pink book (something borrowed), but i was in the middle of something else, so said i would start it as soon as i was done.

i don't think i started sobo until one of our first nights in paris after a long day of sight-seeing, and by the end of the first chapter, i was hooked.  i would read once we were back at the hotel each night on vacation (alongside my sister who was equally addicted, reading soblue and then moving on to love the one you're with).  one night i actually stayed up until dawn to finish while she had fallen asleep with the green book at her side.  yes, it was that hard to put down.  and the second i finished sobo, i jumped into soblue.  i devoured it on our plane ride home.

right after our trip, i read love the one you're with, and have picked up all of giffin's novels to date, with baby proof as my favorite.  i think what i like about her books is that they are relationship-driven, which is my writing style, and she creates characters that are relatable and believable.  you could picture them walking down the street.  you could picture yourself being friends with them.  and the premise and themes of her books ask universal questions: is there a dealbreaker when it comes to love?  what happens when the one who got away comes back into your life?

fast forward to last week.  during my commute home, i noticed one of the digital billboards bearing emily giffin's name.  she's going to be here on november 3rd?  in my town?!  since i follow her on facebook, i knew she was currently in poland, so i googled it that night just to be sure.  apparently she would be the keynote speaker at a women's event in my area, talking about how she had made her writing dreams into reality.  i decided that i had to go and meet her and especially because i needed to hear what she had to say.

i was ridiculously excited all day, knowing i'd have the chance to meet emily tonight.  her speech was incredibly inspiring, and despite the hundreds of women there, it felt like an intimate conversation with a close girlfriend, the way she joked around and diverted to little stories from her personal life.  like the time her best friend, who was married with 3 kids, was in some kind of a funk, she wondered outloud what would have happened if she'd married her ex and moved to france to be with him.  later, when emily and her husband were in france, she convinced him to drive 2.5 hours west of paris to a tiny town with a "population of 42," finally confessing to him once they were there that she wanted to track down her best friend's "one who got away."  after emily's expert stalking (according to her, which even involved microfiche), they were able to find the ex's house.  she directed her husband to "point and shoot!" when she planned to knock on the door and ask for directions, feigning that they were lost.  both her bff's ex and his wife/lover had come to the door looking disheveled and emily's husband had done his job capturing it.  she called her best friend as soon as she was within cell phone range to tell her what she'd done, and had the pictures to prove it.  her best friend had started crying then, saying no one had ever done anything that nice for her before.

(it reminded me of my bff and the stories we tell each other, our musings, our discussions.  and i thought, i'd totally do something like that for her if i had the chance).

after her presentation, i went to the bathroom where emily happened to be, getting ready to go talk to the media.  i was so starstruck that it took me a few seconds to realize it was really her standing right next to me.  i didn't know what to say.  before i could decide what to do, she said hello and at least i had the good sense to manage a reply.

as we approached the book signing table, i became more and more nervous.  what the heck do i say to her?  would she take a picture with me?  i have never met an author before, especially one of my favorites.  my thoughts were racing and thankfully i had a friend there to calm me down.  for a writer (emily's definition of a 'writer' is anyone who writes or enjoys writing), meeting an author is equivalent to meeting your favorite actor/actress.  or your favorite musician.  or as my husband says, a favorite athlete or sports hero.

and then it was my turn and i was standing right in front of her.  i told her i loved all her books, baby proof being my favorite.  then i asked if something borrowed would be made into a movie, which she then asked if i meant something blue.  oops, of course that's what i meant!  i was just too excited, literally shaking, completely gushing.  and in the few minutes i had with her she seemed so... humble, and now i love her even more.  she even posed for a picture with me!

i was so elated afterwards that i hardly remembered the drive home, and once i was in the house i couldn't stop smiling, feeling charged.

so thanks emily, for sharing your stories with us and being a true inspiration.  and special thanks to my sister who introduced me to her writing in the first place!

wild child

today is my sister R's birthday.  happy birthday!

R has always been the bold one.  fearless.  at first glance, you probably wouldn't guess this, since she's a tiny person.  but she can certainly make a big splash.

when we were younger, my mother enrolled us both in gymnastics.  my sister was much more excited about this activity than i was, because she had no problems with tumbles and flips or utilizing any of the equipment.  although we were in separate classes based on our age group (which determined level of difficulty), it wasn't long before she had aced everything and would hang around my class to cure her boredom.  soon, she had become an honorary student in my class, the youngest and smallest, but able to climb like a little monkey and jump like a baby kangaroo.  and it took me the entire length of the course to do a cartwheel on a balance beam.

growing up, she would do things her way.  she would go after what she wanted, never thinking twice, jumping right in.  she tried out for the basketball team.  she made friends on the first day of school after we moved (with a girl who, not surprisingly, is still her best friend).  for someone like me, who liked to blend into the background, she was who i would look to for the latest fads or trends.  but i would also look to her for courage, because she seemed to hold the key to adventure and a place free of worry.  and i constantly craved for alittle less responsibility, even though it was against my nature to do so.

what i've come to realize is that R ultimately helped me pave my own way.  seeing her face things head-on gave me strength and resolve.  even when she wasn't so sure of herself, she appeared confident.  which meant i could be too.  i could do things that scared me, especially when it involved her.  prime example: when she was in sixth grade and relentlessly taunted by a bully at a neighbor's house, i marched across the street and gave that girl a piece of my mind.  i was shaking.  and i knew R probably could have eventually handled it on her own.  but i wanted that girl to know i had my sister's back.

because i'm sure my sister will always have mine.

me at age 4.. ecstatic to have a sister.

can you guess which one she is??

weekend adventure

my youngest sister is staying with me this weekend, so i came up with a bunch of activities we could do.  first, i planned for us to go blueberry picking at the local orchard.  it poured on the way back to my house so didn't seem like it would happen.  luckily, by the time we made it to the orchard, the rain stopped so we were able to enjoy ourselves and pick some white peaches too.  not long after we were done and safely in the car, the clouds rolled in again with more rain.  talk about perfect timing!

by the way, who knew that blueberries come in pinks, purples, and magentas before blossoming into blue?  oh so pretty.  we had sushi which we gulped down in ten minutes upon its arrival.  then we saw crazy stupid love which, like the title suggests, is filled with a sort of mix of emotions: both funny and serious parts, split about 50/50.  now we are chilling at home in front of that zac efron movie seventeen again which coincidentally was on in d.c. last weekend, too.  and bianca is being her cute fluffbally self, per usual. --s

sister time is the best time.

artsy fartsy

old town alexandria reminds me of the shopping boulevard in red bank, nj or maybe even the palmer square area of princeton.  what i liked about alexandria was the character of the old buildings mixed with the modern shops.  it made for a great day of shopping and eating.

one of the stores we went into was a paper/stationary store.  my sister and i could spend hours in there just browsing.  i don't know what's so interesting about paper and cardstock and fabric, but i'm just drawn to it.  i have boxes full of untouched scrapbooking material with the intent to use it someday (when? who knows).

we had to leave the store, though, because my parents were set on taking us to the torpedo factory art center, a gallery where you could meet the artists and watch them in action.  i followed my mom into weaving stores, as she seems to admire textiles.  my dad took me to the second floor to view these amazing watercooler paintings from one of the local artists.  he was so excited to share these works with my husband and me, and seeing him this way finally made it click in my mind: my parents' appreciation of art played a vital role in shaping me.

my sisters and i have always been inclined to art, whether it's creating or appreciating it.  my parents both have an apt for drawing, and my love for museums probably comes from all the times we visited them as kids.  i didn't know it then, but my parents were instilling art expression as an important aspect in our lives by showing us how to enjoy it.

we lost track of my sister in the gallery today for a bit.  she was probably overwhelmed by all the beauty.

two of a kind

today is my youngest sister's birthday, and we're celebrating on a family trip in d.c.  we took the metro into the city and spent our afternoon at the smithsonian, the natural history museum and national gallery in particular.  we finished it up with dinner (with a candle in a slice of cheesecake) and a walk to the harbor right before sunset.  not a bad way to spend the day!

i can't believe my sister is 22.  it felt like only yesterday she was 4 years old and i was on summer break, waking her up every morning to pick out a dress for her to wear.  after that i'd curl her hair in my mother's bathroom, while she sat quietly and patiently for something that took me about a half hour to do.  then i'd take her to the park for a walk.  this is how we spent our mornings every morning.  she was like my doll, and i loved to take care of her.

i was young then, but i always felt an inherent need to watch after her.  in middle school, i threw her a carnival birthday party for her and her friends; in high school, i jumped in to stick up for her when she was teased; in college, i brought her everywhere with me on weekends; when i started working, i drove home every tuesday night to take her out to dinner.  since i've moved into my house, i invite her over to stay for a few days every year.  as she's grown older i see so much of myself in her, but have realized that she has been the one to mold me as well.  though i'm 8 years her senior, she has been my listening ear, my sounding board; it is no wonder that she will be a teacher one day, because she has taught me so much.

happy birthday to my sister, who has always understood my heart.

ESP

the weirdest thing happened to me this afternoon.  it had been a typical day so far, no major items to report.  i was sitting at my desk at work and my mind suddenly wrapped around the phrase, "God is good."  i wasn't praying; i wasn't thinking about much of anything (except for the e-mail i was writing), but this phrase kept popping up, almost like a chant.  i thought, yes, it's true, God is good.  despite my troubles, namely those as of late, my life is blessed.  i have no complaints.  this thought was comforting; i even smiled.

a buzz woke me from my reverie.  it was my phone.  a text from my sister.  she explained that her and my mom had been in a head-on collision and the car was totalled.  they were both okay and were in the ER getting checked out.

i called immediately and my sister's voice on the other end was subdued.  she said the car that hit them literally came out of nowhere.  i asked if the airbags had deployed, and she said yes.  she still sounded a bit shell-shocked.

my mom got on the phone next.  the first words out of her mouth were that if she hadn't had airbags, she was sure she'd be dead.  and my sister too.  i asked her if they both had had their seatbelts on.  she said of course, and mentioned how we had just been discussing seatbelts and airbags only 2 days ago.

on saturday, anthony and i ran into the store manager of a discount grocery store we frequent at a farmer's market.  she has become a friend of the family over the years so we were catching up.  somehow our conversation moved to the topic of seatbelts.  she admitted that she didn't wear hers anymore because she had been in a bad accident years before where the force from the airbag deploying had caused her seatbelt to hit her in the face.  my husband and i both pointed out that the reason she probably was standing there today was most likely due in part to the seatbelt, so it was silly not to wear it for that reason.

we saw my parents shortly after that meeting, and i mentioned the seatbelt debate to them.  we discussed our feelings on the subject (wear your seatbelt!), started talking about airbags, and moved on to other topics.

it's a strange coincidence that we had just been conversing about the very things that came into play a couple days later.  believe what you want, but that was a sure sign to me.

and what can explain the "God is good" chorus in my head?  maybe ESP.  i wouldn't be surprised if my sister and mom were both thinking that after their accident.  and somehow, across the miles, i could hear them.

recreation/re-creation

this afternoon, my sisters and i (along with our respective husbands, which still sounds alittle funny and odd to say), went on a bike ride with our dad at the local park.  i was trying to remember the last time we'd ridden our bikes as a family, and it must have been when i was in high school and we were all still under the same roof.

the park by my parents' house wasn't always there.  it used to be a massive field that was across the street from our old house.  it was so neglected and overrun with grass and weeds that it reminded me of a wheat field.  it could have actually been one, but i can't be sure.  the middle sister and i would walk over there to play, much shorter than the growth, getting lost in the land.  sometimes we would test how far we could go before one of us chickened out (more likely to be me) and we'd turn around towards home.  a few times we saw deer, and i remember twice we discovered a buck.

when we found out about the plans for the park, we couldn't wait.  it took a couple years to develop, and i still remember the first few times we went after it was officially open, how new and fresh it looked, the black pavement of paths undiscovered.  one summer i'd get up early (a true feat) to go jogging with my dad.  we would often go at night too, with just the sounds of the crickets and our sneakered feet hitting the ground in rhythm.

the middle sister and i loved to bring our bikes too.  there was an entrance to the park right across the street, so we'd pedal over and hook onto a larger loop that brought us to a bridge that spanned over a creek.  that was the best area for honeysuckle; even to this day i could smell the sweet scent as i rode by.  there is still wildlife around (today we spotted a groundhog), and back then, we would still see the deer.  i remember one particular time when we tried to catch up to a one as we raced down a hill.  we couldn't, of course, but it was still fun trying.

there is also another memory i particularly like.  on the last night (or so we thought) before we moved, my sister and i snuck out of the house to the park.  there, on the swingsets, we said our goodbyes to our town and talked about how much we would miss the place we had come to know so well.

it's a wonderful feeling to be able to come back to a place that holds so many fond memories, and to share it with the same people who helped create them in the first place.