have you ever seen one of those scenes in a movie where the main characters seem to be at a standstill, walking in slow motion or lost in thought or having some kind of emotional awakening in the middle of chaos, like a war or amidst a fight or despite a flurry of activity around them? that is the best way i can describe what the past few days have been like.
on friday morning, i awoke first to the sound of my husband trying to get me up and then again to my mom and sister ringing the doorbell. their arms were full of bags and pots of food and supplies, so i excused myself to shower. i took my time as best i could to calm my nerves. since i wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything, i didn't go downstairs until about 45 minutes before we were set to leave.
despite leaving a little later than i had wanted to, we still arrived to the surgicenter 6 minutes early. i signed in, provided my ID and insurance card, and filled out my paperwork. then i waited. and waited. (in fact, most of the afternoon was devoted to waiting, so i was happy to have some company). i received my wristband and then (yes), waited for the pre-op nurse to call me in.
once inside the pre-op area, my husband remarked that i looked nervous, because i was. the set up reminded me of the triage area in an ER, and i was placed on the end in area #6. here, my signed consent was reviewed with me and i was asked to confirm information from my past medical history. i was introduced to the anesthesiologists who checked my teeth and throat and my IV was set up. i changed into my hospital gown, robe, and socks, given a warm blanket and magazine, and since my doctor was running about an hour behind, i again, waited.
i don't think i was really nervous until it was time to go. a cap was snapped on my head and one of the anesthesiologists walked me out of the pre-op area. the worst part was where the hallway split between the pre-op area and the corridor to the OR, because this was where my husband and mom had to go back to the waiting room and i had to go on ahead without them. there wasn't any time for hugs and kisses, and the next thing i knew i was being whisked into the OR.
the room was bright and wide and very white, like being in the inside of a box. the first thing i noticed was the bed/table in the middle of everything, but couldn't quite get myself there on my own. there was movement around me as all i saw were masked faces and gowns, telling me their names with their eyes, asking me my name and DOB, who my doctor was (who in reply asked me how i was doing and gave me alittle side hug), and what i was having done. having been asked the same questions all morning, i decided to say, "all kinds of stuff" to the last question, as they pulled off my robe and untied my gown and got me on the table. when i laid down, all i saw was a big, bright light, and all i felt were hands working on both of my arms. my left arm was tucked into my side while the anesthesiologist asked me if i preferred the beach or skiing. the beach, i said, although i wasn't quite sure which i really preferred. he said, "me too," and told me to think about being someplace warm. i felt a tingling then that started at the edge of my body and slowly felt like it was closing in on me. a mask was pulled over my face and i was asked to breathe into it. i didn't like the taste of it, but i tried to take deep breaths, then closed my eyes because it just felt right to do it then. my last thought was, this isn't going to work.
but it did, because everything went dark. complete blackness.
then i heard my name being called from all different directions, like being pulled out of a dream, except my mind could not recall any scenes. these were voices of strangers. my eyelids felt too heavy to open so i just listened. i had the faint sense that i was being wheeled somewhere. i was coughing from the breathing tube that had been down my windpipe. there was a distant pain at the incision site that became more and more pronounced, but wasn't piercing or sharp. i heard my doctor stop by and could see him in a black leather jacket, telling me everything went well and he'd call me tomorrow. then i heard him tell the nurse at the foot of the bed to relay this to me because he wasn't sure if i'd heard him. my throat was too dry to bring myself to respond. my glasses were on, but i didn't feel like i could fully see since i had to struggle to keep my eyes open. i wanted to see my family, so i found my voice to respond to the questions about what i wanted to drink and nibble on and who was with me today. i asked for apple juice and graham crackers while my husband was summoned.
post-op consisted of more juice, monitoring my blood pressure, disengaging me from tubes and wires and machines, and going over post-op instructions. at first i refused my pain meds to the surprise of the nurses, but later decided to take it, remembering what had happened with my mom's post-surgery, to stay ahead of the pain. my pain prescription was called into the pharmacy so we could pick it up on the way home. i was shown how to get in and out of bed so that i wouldn't hurt myself, and then i chose my husband to dress me. afterwards, i was wheeled downstairs and helped into the car.
it was over. i had survived.
i have to say that everyone, from the woman who registered me to the young man who wheeled me out, did an amazing job. i was happy to find a paper in my post-op packet that had the signed names of the team who worked on me. i am eternally grateful to each of them for treating me with respect and kindness, and finding unique ways to make me laugh throughout the entire process. it helped make each step seem less scary.
recovery at home has been slow and steady. my mom and sister cooked up a storm (enough to last us the weekend and more) when we got home, and as we sat down to eat my other sister arrived just in time for dinner. the worst of it was probably that night when i unintentionally woke my husband up shortly before 2 a.m. moaning in pain. it felt like my muscles were being ripped apart and no matter which way i turned, it couldn't stop the pulling sensation. so i reluctantly requested a pain pill and within 4 minutes it kicked in, a warmth wrapping around my midsection like a good, tight hug. i slept much better after that.
my MIL stopped by yesterday with some ice cream which was a real treat, especially for my throat. the scratchiness didn't fully go away until today, so i'm happy to finally have my own voice back.
the cats have been like watchdogs, especially B. she's been dutifully at my side, quietly keeping me company.
i have to thank my family and close friends who have visited or called or sent well wishes and messages throughout the weekend. thanks for thinking of me and getting me through this time. i couldn't have done it without you!
