dual fates

after the eventful birth and death of our daughter on tuesday, i stayed in the labor & delivery unit on watch by the high-risk specialty physicians and nurses.  we were informed that the first 48 hours were the most important to get through for delayed-interval births.  normally, after being in labor with one twin, naturally the other follows shortly thereafter.  in my case, my cervix appeared closed, i was still not showing any signs of infection, so we would wait for nature to take its course.

 

around 3 a.m. on thursday morning, i woke up having contractions.  there was no mistaking the tightening feeling this time, and they were coming on strong.  i tried to figure out how quickly they were coming, and after experiencing three in less than fifteen minutes, i called the nurse to be hooked up to the toco machine.  they were coming every four minutes.  my IV was hooked up to start receiving fluids.  after a bag and a half of fluids, the intervals between the contractions started lengthening and the intensity of them gradually tapered off.  by around 9 a.m., they had pretty much stopped.

the arm that my IV was in was bothering me, and after a quick glance i realized that the upper part of my arm had blown up.  it wasn't painful, but apparently my IV had slipped due to its location, and the fluids had entered my tissue.  yikes.  the IV was removed and i was given a warm compress for the swelling.  just another battle wound.

 

our nurses did the routine fetal heartbeat check, and i felt comforted to hear that sound, like all the times before.  we could pick up an extra beat alongside his which our nurse explained were hiccups.  hiccups!  our little guy was hanging in there.

 

later that morning during rounds, the physician that had been seeing me congratulated me for making it through our first 48 hours.  at this point, we had some options.  one of the preventive measures introduced to us upon admission had been a cervical stitch, or cerclage.  my cervix would be sutured closed in the hope that it would help me gain time.  before that could be done, an amniocentesis would be performed to test for a bacterial infection around the baby.  although there was a 1/200 risk of rupturing membranes during the amnio, it was still a big concern for us.  our baby boy seemed to be doing fine, so why try to mess with that?

 

we discussed our options throughout the day and talked to my OB.  i was alittle wary to do anything after my round of contractions that morning, and wanted to let my body settle down.  hubbie and i decided not to have the amnio that day.

 

around 7 p.m., to my dismay, my contractions started up again.  they appeared to be seven minutes apart but longer than the ones i'd had that morning.  the toco machine confirmed this, and i was put back on fluids immediately, although i'd been staying hydrated throughout the day.  my bleeding had also increased some, which was a bit concerning.

 

a couple of hours later, we met with the evening shift physician to chat about our concerns with having the amnio and stitch.  we asked some follow-up questions and after our conversation decided it was reasonable to wait it out.  he stated that i had been listening to and doing everything the team had asked, and there wasn't anything more they could expect of me.

 

by 3 a.m., my contractions were still coming like clockwork, every 5 minutes now, and the pain had not decreased.  i could also feel our little man moving around, small popping movements accompanying the contractions.  i was exhausted and unable to sleep.  the nurse gave me something for the pain, which only dulled it some, so then gave me a sleeping pill so i would be able to rest.

 

i slept for about two hours until my bladder woke me up.  i was in and out of sleep for the next few hours, as i started having more cramping and pressure.  the day shift physician requested an ultrasound to look at my cervix.  once the tech stopped the image to grab the physician, i knew something was wrong.  he confirmed that my cervix was completely open and that our son had positioned himself face down in preparation for labor.  this meant that it was inevitable i would miscarry, and that they had done everything they could.  my OB was called, and preparations would be made for delivery.

 

hubbie and i grabbed a few private minutes in the bathroom to hold each other and cry.  we would be losing our boy.

my OB came to see me and express her regrets.  i asked if i could have something for the pain, as i was feeling the cramping lower.  he would be here soon.

 

right before 10 a.m., my water broke.  i was cleaned up and my OB and nurse started arranging for the birth.  less than half an hour later, i felt pressure and knew he was coming.  alone in our room at the time (and without any meds, mind you), i held onto my husband's hand and pushed.  i felt our son's head come out.  my husband called for the nurse, but i couldn't wait, and pushed out the rest of his body.  he arrived at 10:29 a.m. 

 

my OB and our nurse arrived and took over quickly.  our son cried out twice, and i felt him wiggling between my legs.  hubbie cut the cord, i was cleaned up several times, and we waited for the placentas from both twins to be passed.  in the meantime, our little one was cleaned, wrapped up, and brought to us.

only then was i given something for the pain, but my body no longer felt anything.

 

hubbie said our baby boy had a wider face, like mine, his features more serious.  as with our daughter, he had my nose, and according to hubbie had my mouth as well.  his limbs though, as well as his fingers and toes, were long, and we could tell he was much bigger than our tiny angel.  he was built like my husband.

 

as we held our little guy, we could see his chest rising and falling, his heart still beating.  he moved several times.  it was painful to watch him slip away, his heart rate slowing until he was gone, again too early, in my arms.  he had hung on for over an hour.  he was a fighter like me.

he weighed 14.9 ounces and measured 10 3/4 inches.

 

our families started arriving then, each taking turns to hold him, awed about him having the same "chicken legs" my husband had had when he was born.  how he looked like my dad while sleeping.  how beautiful and perfect he was, because he really was.

 

hubbie and i took turns holding him throughout the day until we were ready for the nurses to take him down to the morgue.  saying goodbye felt harder this time somehow, probably since i'd experienced the delivery, his movements, his last breath.

(i do have to say we are so grateful to all the providers involved in our care, especially the amazing nurses who took care of us around the clock).

 

i know now what it's like to feel such indescribable, instantaneous, incredible love -- and how much it hurts for it to be taken away.  there are no words really, to describe the heartbreak that comes with losing a child.  of having to bury both of our children.

thinking back to all the instances in my life that i've been sad, they seem so trivial and fleeting.  this is anguish.  this is sorrow.  this is our lives forever altered.

 

physically, i know i will heal in a matter of weeks... it's the ache in our hearts that will take much, much longer.