our angel

i don't normally preface my posts, but this will probably be one of the hardest things i've ever written.  since i want to be honest and true in my portrayal of the events, i know there will probably be some graphic details that are hard to swallow... but this is the story of our daughter's brief but meaningful life.

 

after 5 days on bed rest due to my preterm premature rupture of membranes, i was eager for our follow-up appointment on tuesday morning with maternal fetal medicine.  i was the first patient to be seen in their new office, so the upbeat mood was infectious.  the ultrasound check showed that there was still not a lot of fluid around twin A, but i appeared to be stable and would go for some bloodwork to check for any signs of infection.  my husband and i left the office feeling hopeful, and even ran into one of the physicians that had taken care of me in the hospital to relay the news.

 

on our way home, i told my husband that i felt slightly constipated.  i had what felt like gas in my lower abdomen and figured i could resolve it when i got home.  once home, i used the bathroom and felt better.  my mom then took me to have my bloodwork done while my husband went to work.

 

the symptoms returned and seemed to become more frequent, so once home again i decided to take a nap.  i wasn't feeling well overall and chalked it up to all the activity from the morning since i hadn't been out of the house in several days.

 

when the pangs didn't subside, i decided to get up and try to use the bathroom again.  my stomach, i noticed, felt bloated and rigid to the touch.  i sat on the toilet and waited so i wouldn't strain, and managed to relieve myself some.  i had an odd feeling on the "other" side, though, and before i knew it, had passed something much bigger.  instantly i knew it was the baby.

 

trying not to panic, my first instinct was to sit up but the umbilical cord was between my legs and i didn't want the baby dangling around.  i sat back down and screamed for my mom.  after several tries, i realized she couldn't hear me so i stomped on the floor as hard as i could.  that got her attention.

 

one look at my face and she knew.  i didn't even have to say, "i think i just miscarried the baby."  after a few shocked seconds between us about who to call, she took charge and dialed 911.  the dispatcher instructed us to scoop the baby up from the toilet onto a towel.  as i couldn't reach down and get the baby myself, i begged my mom to and she did just that.  the dispatcher told me to get on my knees in the hopes that i wouldn't continue labor with the second baby.  the dispatcher asked if the baby was fully formed.  to my shock, it appeared to be, the tiny head and body more detailed than i would have thought.  the dispatcher guided us through CPR by starting with chest compressions.  my mom started on those while i repositioned myself on the bathroom floor so i could sit with my legs apart to see the baby.  were there any signs of breathing? the dispatcher asked.  no.  would we be able to open the baby's mouth?  it didn't appear that we could, since it was so tiny. we heard the EMTs arriving then, so i took over the compressions, never imagining that after becoming CPR certified that i'd be using those skills on my own baby.  right before the EMTs entered the house, i saw the baby's mouth open -- and a bubble of hope raced through me.  the baby was still alive!  and gasping for air!  the dispatcher instructed me to give two breaths, but i couldn't quite figure out how as i didn't want to move it, and mercifully, the EMTs came barreling up the stairs so i could hang up the phone. 

 

the first guy used a child's oxygen mask to give the baby oxygen while taking over compressions.  he tried to use a nasal aspirator to give breaths but couldn't fit it into the baby's mouth.  the others started assessing the situation and throwing questions at me.  one of them, while surveying the scene, even got alittle choked up as he promised me they would do everything they could for me and the baby.  the plan was for them to get me to the closest hospital due to the circumstances, but the hospital diverted them to my network which has the children's ER and more specialized care to be able to accommodate us.  then they had to get the okay to clamp my cord and cut it to separate me from the baby as they would be taking the baby first and i would follow.  once separated, the last thing i saw was the baby being hooked up to an AED machine, the pads too large for its chest.  the EMTs helped me up so i could walk to a chair and be covered in a sheet (thankfully), since i was literally naked from the waist down, and in front of 4-5 men, no less.  they strapped me in to take me down the stairs, then moved me to the stretcher to get me into the ambulance, a quite bumpy ride considering our driveway is gravel.

 

once in the ambulance, i was set up for an IV and fluids, and the EMT in the back with me remarked about how calm i was being.  i'm pretty sure he was waiting for me to go into shock or hysterics, but my mind was so engulfed with wondering if our baby had a fighting chance that i wasn't thinking of myself.  the twenty-mile ride was agonizing.

 

we were met at the children's ER since my baby arrived first.  i had never seen so many people awaiting us, ready to get to work.  i was placed in a room, asked a bunch of questions, set up on machines, dressed into a gown.  it wasn't until a nurse asked me if i wanted to hold my baby that i realized it hadn't made it.  i said yes.

 

my OB arrived and a scan was done to determine the state of the other twin, which was still intact with a strong heartbeat. 

 

a nurse brought the baby in wrapped in a purple blanket, and once the tiny form was in my arms, i broke down.  i don't think i've ever, ever in my life felt heartbreak quite like that, seeing features so much like my own, so still and peaceful.  my husband arrived then and all we could do was hold on to each other for a good cry.  the staff members left the room to give us some privacy.

 

as the sex hadn't been able to be determined from our previous ultrasounds, we peeked and realized our baby was a girl.  a daughter.  and now an angel.

 

we held her for a long time, hubbie marveling how she had my nose and chin, and we even discovered that she had what appeared to be a mole below her left eyebrow, identical to mine.  there were fingernails and toenails on her tiny hands and feet, eyelids and earlobes on her beautiful face.  she had just come too early.

 

i wondered aloud what would have happened if i had realized i was having contractions and been in the hospital at the time of delivery, but hubbie reassured me that i couldn't have known, that at 21 weeks her lungs hadn't developed and she simply was not viable.

 

i was moved to the prenatal unit and the chaplain received us in my room.  she said a prayer with my family that had arrived.  i was quickly moved again for a more detailed scan with the high-risk specialist and my OB.  they determined that twin B appeared to be doing well, unaffected by what had happened with his sibling, and that now we were faced with two options: terminate, due to the risks involved (infection, preterm labor and delivery, complications with the baby), or to continue with the pregnancy despite the risks.  we decided to play the wait and see game yet again.  my umbilical cord, still dangling between my legs, was tied off and snipped to reduce the chances of infection.

 

once back in the room, we were given paperwork to fill out her birth certificate, and after long deliberation decided that we couldn't name her.  it was just too hard.  the nurses dressed our daughter in a little pink outfit, cap, and blanket, then took pictures of us with her.  they prepared a book which included the pictures and her tiny handprints and footprints.  she weighed 12 ounces and measured 10 inches.

 

today we finalize arrangements for her and can only hope and trust that her brother does not follow with a similar fate.  we pray for strength -- for us and our baby, as i'll likely be in the hospital until delivery.  we pray for time -- the more we can gain, the better his chances.  and we pray for peace -- to comfort our healing hearts.