next steps

it's been nearly a month since we lost our little ones, and i've been hearing a lot about "next time."  what we should do in the next round of IVF.  how i should rest my body the next time around.  advice on what to prepare for next.

 

all this talk of next, next, next, reminds me that i have to move forward.  move on.  make a move.  and the thought of doing that makes me want to SCREAM that i'm not ready.  how can i move on without having to let go?

 

i also get a lot of the usual stuff about staying positive, keeping our spirits up, not giving up.  i know our family and friends mean well, but i never intended to give up.  if i gave up, we wouldn't have gone through all the crap we did to get here.  we wouldn't be here.  we wouldn't be doing this.  but we are, and the only healing element that seems to make sense is time.

 

that's the thing -- we need the time to heal, which seems at odds with how quickly life moves.  it's impossible to explain this to anyone who isn't going through it, let alone to ourselves.  i don't know what to do to make the pain go away, except to pray for time to do its thing.  and that won't happen overnight.

 

as with most things, it's so hard to convey this to someone who hasn't experienced what you have.  an understanding.  and that's what seems to be missing in all of this.  we don't know anyone in our lives who have gone through IVF.  we also don't know other couples who have ever experienced a late miscarriage or who have lost twins.  it's no wonder we feel very alone in this, despite our incredible support system.  the fact is, my husband and i are the ones who have to determine our next move.

 

so what's next?  only time will tell.