big sister

TRIGGER WARNING: Image from video is of our baby born at 21 weeks who did not survive.

Around Christmas time last year, Sophia started asking more questions about Lily and Lucas. She has long understood that she has an older sister and brother, who we have talked about her whole life, and who we sing to on their birthdays. Over the years, we've seen her piece together the story of their arrivals before she was born, acknowledging that her Mommy and Daddy had lives together separate from when she had come into the picture (though still hard for her to admit), and grasping that they were real, live babies, if only for a short while. Feeling that she was ready, we decided to show her their baby books.

She had the most heartfelt, honest reaction.

Afterwards, we had a conversation about how we didn't get to see them grow up, and she said, "That's sad. They were born before me. Do you miss them?"

Every day, Sophia, every day.

It has been 8 years since I had Lily, and I still cry on her birthday. Our journey to parenthood was an extremely difficult one. I reason with myself that if we hadn't had and lost our twins, then we probably wouldn't have had our two rainbow babies, absolute miracles, in every sense. The grief of having to bury our daughter and son, though, doesn't really go away. There are no words for how the constant heartache feels. I once described it as feeling weighed down by the pressure on my chest, but on the other hand, there's an emptiness there, too.

One of my best friends has a daughter who is Lily's age. I remember how excited we were to be pregnant at the same time, thinking how cool it was that our kids would be close. I have a special place in my heart for her daughter, reminded of what Lily and Lucas would be doing today -- subjects they might be inquiring about, activities they may have participated in, and how amazing they would be as older siblings. There is no getting around the wondering about where they would be now, and how their presence has continued to shape our lives.

Happy birthday to my first baby, my pure and sweet Lily girl. I say a prayer for you and your brother every night, thanking God for his true and loving embrace, watching you as I know you are watching over us. I miss you so, so much.