have you ever wondered what would have happened if, at a crossroads, you had chosen differently? i have, and i think it's natural to do this. i am talking about this in the purest form possible; i don't mean it in a regretful sort of way, like wishing for a different path and outcome or something else entirely... i am talking about hypothesizing a 'what if' scenario just to have something to ponder. the feelings about the possible change in destiny are unattached during these ruminations; it is more like having a passing thought jumping around in my brain. just an, i wonder...
as i've grown older and busier and had to make decisions about nearly every aspect of my life, these thoughts do not come up as often. there simply isn't time to entertain such things like i did as a teen, since i now know the difference between reality and fantasy. but my subconscious, it seems, isn't hesitant to indulge in matters of reflection.
last night i dreamt about a person in my past, very jennifer weiner-like in one of my favorite short stories of hers in the guy not taken. the scene was real and the plot was belieavable, nearly expected. i saw myself and my life unraveling, only to be awoken by daylight and the keen sense that i had just survived a nightmare. it was a glimpse into the life i could have had.. that is, if i'd been a doormat and had remained unchanged since 8 long years ago. but the key point is, i'm not the same, and also something else: my steps are variable because i play a vital role in my plan. so the dream was just that -- a dream, completely fabricated in my mind, formulated by past experience, unaware of the power of me.
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