critical

like i've mentioned before, i'm uncomfortable being the center of attention.  it's a wonder that i ever performed at recitals and concerts and participated in competitions.  or shown up to do my presentations for school and even volunteered to go, just to get it over with.  there's probably nothing i dislike more than public speaking.  i mean, is there anything that screams "center of attention" more than getting up in front of a bunch of people where all eyes are on you and everyone is hanging onto your every word?

well, try getting up in front of 300+ people, the whole company, at the holiday breakfast.  with the entire leadership team and members of the board present.  try being handed the script the day before, after agreeing to do it with hardly any time to prepare or mull it over.  (which is probably better, anyway).

each year we're treated to a very nice holiday breakfast at work, complete with home-grown entertainment.  this year we had the second annual "hospys" (which sound like the espys but are more like the dundees).  it's basically a made-up/acted-out awards show that pokes fun at the employees.  i was asked to present the award for the "most awkward typo in a chart" which entailed a short intro, listing of the nominees, announcement of the winner, and presentation of the award.  i was so nervous that i spent last night and this morning going over my lines, committing them to memory (although the thought of memorizing everything frightened me because i was terrified of forgetting mid-sentence and not being able to find my place -- which meant, which was scarier: remembering or not remembering?).

i was crazy nervous through breakfast and increasingly jittery once the entertainment portion started.  when it was my turn, i stepped onto stage and delivered my lines.  i glanced at my script from time to time but ended up being grateful i had practiced it so much.  before i knew it, i was stepping off the stage and heading back to my seat.  it was probably only a few minutes tops, but i had been shaking.

afterwards, several coworkers made a point to tell me what a good job i did (since i didn't really tell anyone i was doing it).  hadn't they seen how nervous i was?  one of them even said i had looked calm.  really??  because inside i was so not calm.  i hear that alot about presentations i've done though, and wonder if i really do appear to have it together.  i do prepare like crazy for things like this, trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong.  and most times, i get through it okay but don't know how to feel about my performance afterwards.  i wouldn't really be able to tell unless i filmed myself to critique later.

maybe my coworkers were just being nice.. but perhaps my perception of myself is harsher than reality.  aren't we our own worst critics?