names explained

*i've always kept names out of this blog... until now.  in memory of our babies, i wanted to share the names we gave them.*

"i think they deserve names," hubbie said.

 

and he was right.  as much as we'd struggled giving our babies the names we had reserved for them, we agreed that it would help to have a way to refer to them.  they had been born, had taken breaths, and so they had lived.

 

yes, they deserved names.

 

with that understanding, we talked through a couple of names that i'd brought up in the past.

 

"what about lily?" he asked.

 

"i've always liked lily."

 

i looked up the name meaning and discovered that the lily flower signifies innocence, purity, and beauty.  it fit our baby girl.

 

then i thought, since they were twins, it would be nice for their names to start with the same letter.  i liked the name logan for our son, but the name lucas spoke to me more.  lucas, a variation of luke, means light.  and it immediately made sense.

 

lily and lucas.  loved.

dual fates

after the eventful birth and death of our daughter on tuesday, i stayed in the labor & delivery unit on watch by the high-risk specialty physicians and nurses.  we were informed that the first 48 hours were the most important to get through for delayed-interval births.  normally, after being in labor with one twin, naturally the other follows shortly thereafter.  in my case, my cervix appeared closed, i was still not showing any signs of infection, so we would wait for nature to take its course.

 

around 3 a.m. on thursday morning, i woke up having contractions.  there was no mistaking the tightening feeling this time, and they were coming on strong.  i tried to figure out how quickly they were coming, and after experiencing three in less than fifteen minutes, i called the nurse to be hooked up to the toco machine.  they were coming every four minutes.  my IV was hooked up to start receiving fluids.  after a bag and a half of fluids, the intervals between the contractions started lengthening and the intensity of them gradually tapered off.  by around 9 a.m., they had pretty much stopped.

the arm that my IV was in was bothering me, and after a quick glance i realized that the upper part of my arm had blown up.  it wasn't painful, but apparently my IV had slipped due to its location, and the fluids had entered my tissue.  yikes.  the IV was removed and i was given a warm compress for the swelling.  just another battle wound.

 

our nurses did the routine fetal heartbeat check, and i felt comforted to hear that sound, like all the times before.  we could pick up an extra beat alongside his which our nurse explained were hiccups.  hiccups!  our little guy was hanging in there.

 

later that morning during rounds, the physician that had been seeing me congratulated me for making it through our first 48 hours.  at this point, we had some options.  one of the preventive measures introduced to us upon admission had been a cervical stitch, or cerclage.  my cervix would be sutured closed in the hope that it would help me gain time.  before that could be done, an amniocentesis would be performed to test for a bacterial infection around the baby.  although there was a 1/200 risk of rupturing membranes during the amnio, it was still a big concern for us.  our baby boy seemed to be doing fine, so why try to mess with that?

 

we discussed our options throughout the day and talked to my OB.  i was alittle wary to do anything after my round of contractions that morning, and wanted to let my body settle down.  hubbie and i decided not to have the amnio that day.

 

around 7 p.m., to my dismay, my contractions started up again.  they appeared to be seven minutes apart but longer than the ones i'd had that morning.  the toco machine confirmed this, and i was put back on fluids immediately, although i'd been staying hydrated throughout the day.  my bleeding had also increased some, which was a bit concerning.

 

a couple of hours later, we met with the evening shift physician to chat about our concerns with having the amnio and stitch.  we asked some follow-up questions and after our conversation decided it was reasonable to wait it out.  he stated that i had been listening to and doing everything the team had asked, and there wasn't anything more they could expect of me.

 

by 3 a.m., my contractions were still coming like clockwork, every 5 minutes now, and the pain had not decreased.  i could also feel our little man moving around, small popping movements accompanying the contractions.  i was exhausted and unable to sleep.  the nurse gave me something for the pain, which only dulled it some, so then gave me a sleeping pill so i would be able to rest.

 

i slept for about two hours until my bladder woke me up.  i was in and out of sleep for the next few hours, as i started having more cramping and pressure.  the day shift physician requested an ultrasound to look at my cervix.  once the tech stopped the image to grab the physician, i knew something was wrong.  he confirmed that my cervix was completely open and that our son had positioned himself face down in preparation for labor.  this meant that it was inevitable i would miscarry, and that they had done everything they could.  my OB was called, and preparations would be made for delivery.

 

hubbie and i grabbed a few private minutes in the bathroom to hold each other and cry.  we would be losing our boy.

my OB came to see me and express her regrets.  i asked if i could have something for the pain, as i was feeling the cramping lower.  he would be here soon.

 

right before 10 a.m., my water broke.  i was cleaned up and my OB and nurse started arranging for the birth.  less than half an hour later, i felt pressure and knew he was coming.  alone in our room at the time (and without any meds, mind you), i held onto my husband's hand and pushed.  i felt our son's head come out.  my husband called for the nurse, but i couldn't wait, and pushed out the rest of his body.  he arrived at 10:29 a.m. 

 

my OB and our nurse arrived and took over quickly.  our son cried out twice, and i felt him wiggling between my legs.  hubbie cut the cord, i was cleaned up several times, and we waited for the placentas from both twins to be passed.  in the meantime, our little one was cleaned, wrapped up, and brought to us.

only then was i given something for the pain, but my body no longer felt anything.

 

hubbie said our baby boy had a wider face, like mine, his features more serious.  as with our daughter, he had my nose, and according to hubbie had my mouth as well.  his limbs though, as well as his fingers and toes, were long, and we could tell he was much bigger than our tiny angel.  he was built like my husband.

 

as we held our little guy, we could see his chest rising and falling, his heart still beating.  he moved several times.  it was painful to watch him slip away, his heart rate slowing until he was gone, again too early, in my arms.  he had hung on for over an hour.  he was a fighter like me.

he weighed 14.9 ounces and measured 10 3/4 inches.

 

our families started arriving then, each taking turns to hold him, awed about him having the same "chicken legs" my husband had had when he was born.  how he looked like my dad while sleeping.  how beautiful and perfect he was, because he really was.

 

hubbie and i took turns holding him throughout the day until we were ready for the nurses to take him down to the morgue.  saying goodbye felt harder this time somehow, probably since i'd experienced the delivery, his movements, his last breath.

(i do have to say we are so grateful to all the providers involved in our care, especially the amazing nurses who took care of us around the clock).

 

i know now what it's like to feel such indescribable, instantaneous, incredible love -- and how much it hurts for it to be taken away.  there are no words really, to describe the heartbreak that comes with losing a child.  of having to bury both of our children.

thinking back to all the instances in my life that i've been sad, they seem so trivial and fleeting.  this is anguish.  this is sorrow.  this is our lives forever altered.

 

physically, i know i will heal in a matter of weeks... it's the ache in our hearts that will take much, much longer.

our angel

i don't normally preface my posts, but this will probably be one of the hardest things i've ever written.  since i want to be honest and true in my portrayal of the events, i know there will probably be some graphic details that are hard to swallow... but this is the story of our daughter's brief but meaningful life.

 

after 5 days on bed rest due to my preterm premature rupture of membranes, i was eager for our follow-up appointment on tuesday morning with maternal fetal medicine.  i was the first patient to be seen in their new office, so the upbeat mood was infectious.  the ultrasound check showed that there was still not a lot of fluid around twin A, but i appeared to be stable and would go for some bloodwork to check for any signs of infection.  my husband and i left the office feeling hopeful, and even ran into one of the physicians that had taken care of me in the hospital to relay the news.

 

on our way home, i told my husband that i felt slightly constipated.  i had what felt like gas in my lower abdomen and figured i could resolve it when i got home.  once home, i used the bathroom and felt better.  my mom then took me to have my bloodwork done while my husband went to work.

 

the symptoms returned and seemed to become more frequent, so once home again i decided to take a nap.  i wasn't feeling well overall and chalked it up to all the activity from the morning since i hadn't been out of the house in several days.

 

when the pangs didn't subside, i decided to get up and try to use the bathroom again.  my stomach, i noticed, felt bloated and rigid to the touch.  i sat on the toilet and waited so i wouldn't strain, and managed to relieve myself some.  i had an odd feeling on the "other" side, though, and before i knew it, had passed something much bigger.  instantly i knew it was the baby.

 

trying not to panic, my first instinct was to sit up but the umbilical cord was between my legs and i didn't want the baby dangling around.  i sat back down and screamed for my mom.  after several tries, i realized she couldn't hear me so i stomped on the floor as hard as i could.  that got her attention.

 

one look at my face and she knew.  i didn't even have to say, "i think i just miscarried the baby."  after a few shocked seconds between us about who to call, she took charge and dialed 911.  the dispatcher instructed us to scoop the baby up from the toilet onto a towel.  as i couldn't reach down and get the baby myself, i begged my mom to and she did just that.  the dispatcher told me to get on my knees in the hopes that i wouldn't continue labor with the second baby.  the dispatcher asked if the baby was fully formed.  to my shock, it appeared to be, the tiny head and body more detailed than i would have thought.  the dispatcher guided us through CPR by starting with chest compressions.  my mom started on those while i repositioned myself on the bathroom floor so i could sit with my legs apart to see the baby.  were there any signs of breathing? the dispatcher asked.  no.  would we be able to open the baby's mouth?  it didn't appear that we could, since it was so tiny. we heard the EMTs arriving then, so i took over the compressions, never imagining that after becoming CPR certified that i'd be using those skills on my own baby.  right before the EMTs entered the house, i saw the baby's mouth open -- and a bubble of hope raced through me.  the baby was still alive!  and gasping for air!  the dispatcher instructed me to give two breaths, but i couldn't quite figure out how as i didn't want to move it, and mercifully, the EMTs came barreling up the stairs so i could hang up the phone. 

 

the first guy used a child's oxygen mask to give the baby oxygen while taking over compressions.  he tried to use a nasal aspirator to give breaths but couldn't fit it into the baby's mouth.  the others started assessing the situation and throwing questions at me.  one of them, while surveying the scene, even got alittle choked up as he promised me they would do everything they could for me and the baby.  the plan was for them to get me to the closest hospital due to the circumstances, but the hospital diverted them to my network which has the children's ER and more specialized care to be able to accommodate us.  then they had to get the okay to clamp my cord and cut it to separate me from the baby as they would be taking the baby first and i would follow.  once separated, the last thing i saw was the baby being hooked up to an AED machine, the pads too large for its chest.  the EMTs helped me up so i could walk to a chair and be covered in a sheet (thankfully), since i was literally naked from the waist down, and in front of 4-5 men, no less.  they strapped me in to take me down the stairs, then moved me to the stretcher to get me into the ambulance, a quite bumpy ride considering our driveway is gravel.

 

once in the ambulance, i was set up for an IV and fluids, and the EMT in the back with me remarked about how calm i was being.  i'm pretty sure he was waiting for me to go into shock or hysterics, but my mind was so engulfed with wondering if our baby had a fighting chance that i wasn't thinking of myself.  the twenty-mile ride was agonizing.

 

we were met at the children's ER since my baby arrived first.  i had never seen so many people awaiting us, ready to get to work.  i was placed in a room, asked a bunch of questions, set up on machines, dressed into a gown.  it wasn't until a nurse asked me if i wanted to hold my baby that i realized it hadn't made it.  i said yes.

 

my OB arrived and a scan was done to determine the state of the other twin, which was still intact with a strong heartbeat. 

 

a nurse brought the baby in wrapped in a purple blanket, and once the tiny form was in my arms, i broke down.  i don't think i've ever, ever in my life felt heartbreak quite like that, seeing features so much like my own, so still and peaceful.  my husband arrived then and all we could do was hold on to each other for a good cry.  the staff members left the room to give us some privacy.

 

as the sex hadn't been able to be determined from our previous ultrasounds, we peeked and realized our baby was a girl.  a daughter.  and now an angel.

 

we held her for a long time, hubbie marveling how she had my nose and chin, and we even discovered that she had what appeared to be a mole below her left eyebrow, identical to mine.  there were fingernails and toenails on her tiny hands and feet, eyelids and earlobes on her beautiful face.  she had just come too early.

 

i wondered aloud what would have happened if i had realized i was having contractions and been in the hospital at the time of delivery, but hubbie reassured me that i couldn't have known, that at 21 weeks her lungs hadn't developed and she simply was not viable.

 

i was moved to the prenatal unit and the chaplain received us in my room.  she said a prayer with my family that had arrived.  i was quickly moved again for a more detailed scan with the high-risk specialist and my OB.  they determined that twin B appeared to be doing well, unaffected by what had happened with his sibling, and that now we were faced with two options: terminate, due to the risks involved (infection, preterm labor and delivery, complications with the baby), or to continue with the pregnancy despite the risks.  we decided to play the wait and see game yet again.  my umbilical cord, still dangling between my legs, was tied off and snipped to reduce the chances of infection.

 

once back in the room, we were given paperwork to fill out her birth certificate, and after long deliberation decided that we couldn't name her.  it was just too hard.  the nurses dressed our daughter in a little pink outfit, cap, and blanket, then took pictures of us with her.  they prepared a book which included the pictures and her tiny handprints and footprints.  she weighed 12 ounces and measured 10 inches.

 

today we finalize arrangements for her and can only hope and trust that her brother does not follow with a similar fate.  we pray for strength -- for us and our baby, as i'll likely be in the hospital until delivery.  we pray for time -- the more we can gain, the better his chances.  and we pray for peace -- to comfort our healing hearts.

the first 48

on wednesday morning around 1:30 a.m., i woke up with a strong urge to use the restroom.  not completely out of the ordinary considering i've been getting up a few times a night pretty much every night since the first trimester.  so i was up within seconds and to my horror... didn't make it to the bathroom at all.

 

i was mortified.  if i had to describe what had happened, it felt like a water balloon had exploded between my legs.  everything was soaked.

 

once in the bathroom, i noticed a pinkish discharge.  not to get technical here, but as long as i'm sharing, anything closer to red than brown is usually a "call your OB" kind of thing.  as it was the middle of the night, i woke my husband up, terrified that all the liquid on my PJs was actually blood.

 

after inspection, we determined that it was probably urine since there's no mistaking the smell.  i peeled off my garments, changed, and stuck the soiled stuff in the washer.  the thought of incontinence was totally embarrassing, but hey, just another icky thing that your preggo friends don't warn you about.

 

except that... by the time i got back upstairs, i was wet again without even realizing i had gone.  and this time everything looked clear and really didn't have much of an odor.  so i sat over the toilet waiting for it to be over, but it kept on coming.  i remarked to my husband that it felt like my water was breaking, even though i wouldn't have a clue as to how that would feel, with me at 20 weeks and us not even signed up for birthing classes yet.

 

after about 5-10 minutes, the flow stopped, i changed yet again, and went back to bed with the intention of calling the OB first thing in the morning.  i was squeezed in for an afternoon appointment and that is where the fun began.

 

my OB determined that the pinkish discharge was in fact amniotic fluid, which meant that it was likely my membranes had ruptured.  standard protocol would be to directly admit me to labor & delivery to monitor me for signs of labor.  labor?!  the first 24-48 hours after my water breaking was crucial.

 

things moved fast after that.  we drove straight to the hospital, and i was strapped in with a toco belt to monitor contractions.  an ultrasound determined that membranes were indeed ruptured and one of the twins was without an amniotic sac.  i was tested for signs of infection, as that would be critical at this stage since twin A was essentially now unprotected.  we knew instantly that this was a game changer.

 

later that evening, i was seen by a maternal fetal medicine physician who explained the outlook for twin A.  since amniotic fluid plays a vital part in lung development, the ability for the baby to breathe on his/her own would be difficult.  there was mention of terminating the pregnancy, which i didn't even want to think about, or playing the "wait and see" game, which seemed reasonable since i still was not showing any signs of labor or infection.

 

hubbie stayed that night scrunched up on the sofa beside me, and i quite possibly had the worst night's sleep of my life.  i had never been admitted to the hospital before.  i woke up nearly every hour, the foreign sounds of beeping machines, newborns crying, muffled voices, nurses making their rounds clashing with the racing thoughts going through my head.  was i going to lose our baby?  were we going to lose both babies?

 

thursday morning i was visited by my OB with our revised plan.  if my labwork looked fine then i could possibly be discharged that afternoon or early the next day on bed rest, with the hope that i'd reaccumulate some of the fluid i'd lost.  then i would be seen weekly, and if i were able to hold on through 23 weeks, then i'd be readmitted to the hospital at 24 weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy, where i'd be surrounded by a specialized team in the event that i'd go into preterm labor, which is a strong possibility.

 

after some more tests and a detailed ultrasound, i was discharged late afternoon.  hubbie set me up upstairs around the bed, which will be my friend for the next few weeks, and i am restricted from all activity except to get up to use the bathroom, to shower, and to eat.

 

to be honest, the next few weeks and months seem insurmountable.  i feel helpless and stir crazy (already) and entirely unproductive.  and then i think about the burden this will be on my husband, managing the housework and running errands and the baby room we've only just started and the bigger car we haven't yet purchased... so many things, so much time, and yet, i'll be of little use.

 

and then i keep telling myself that all of it will be worth it in the end.  that with our faith and the support of our family and friends, we can navigate through this challenge as we have with all the others... like we had through three years of infertility and then IVF... we never lost that shred of hope or the belief in miracles.  and now our tiny miracles just need another.

the bump

for the past few weeks i've been in the in-between stage of developing a visible belly.  i've been holding off on maternity wear as much as i can (as it's crazy expensive), stretching my regular clothes for a longer period of time by resorting to creative methods. 

 

first, it was the pant extenders.  i was able to hook on an extender to my work pants to give me alittle extra room.  this lasted comfortably for a couple of weeks.  the same went for my bras.

 

then when my belly outgrew the extenders, i'd simply keep my pants unzipped and fold them over underneath longer work shirts.  that gave me maybe a week, and wasn't the preferred method since the fold-over didn't always stay in place and then i'd be grabbing my pants from falling down entirely.

 

next, i tried a belly band.  this worked for maybe a day before i decided it was too much of a hassle to pull it up when i need the bathroom (which is often) and set it back into place after i was done.

 

so today, well, i opted to go for my first pair of maternity pants.  and, though i say this reluctantly, they really were pretty comfortable.  i was able to get through the work day feeling like i just had on a pair of yoga pants.  and as for my belly... it's really starting to pop, so the pants almost look like they accentuate my roundness.  ah, well... the belly is finally here, and looks like it's here to stay!

raving cravings

i think one of the most common questions people will ask you when you're pregnant is whether you've been experiencing any wild cravings.

 

for the most part, since i've been rather symptom-free, i haven't been wanting anything too out of the ordinary.  in the first trimester, it seemed all i wanted was greens and salad.  (thankfully it was a healthy craving).  now in the second, it seems i can't get enough of spicy foods... thai and vietnamese in particular.  what i wouldn't do for a steaming bowl of pho right now!

 

then today in the store i wanted something i haven't eaten in ages.  a cup of ramen noodles.  i guess that's not far off from my thai/viet foods, but i really wanted that overly salty, fake flavoring, hard noodle junk.  and this girl always goes sweet before salty, so i knew it was a random craving.  especially since i hadn't had ramen noodles in, what... 10-15 years??  so i bought a microwaveable cup, the spiciest one i could find, and promptly ate it when i got home.

 

boy, did it hit the spot.  now i'm regretting not buying every cup in that store.

on the move

since i'm right around the threshold of feeling fetal movement, i've been paying extra special attention to what's been going on in my belly.  so far, i've felt some fluttering here and there but haven't been completely convinced that it's the babies.  my OB said that when it truly was the babies, i would definitely know, although i've been wondering, how will i really know?

 

this afternoon hubbie and i caught a matinee at our local old-style theater where they play second-run movies.  the movie was star trek: into darkness, and although i'm not a trekkie in any way, there was enough action to keep me entertained.  at one point in the movie when there was a variety of stuff going on (fight scene in space, crashes, calamity, you know the drill), i swear i felt my stomach vibrating.  it was persistent for several minutes, and i felt it enough where i placed hubbie's hand on my belly, sure that he could feel it too.  he couldn't, but somehow i knew it was our little ones.

 

i haven't felt much since then, but if you were to ask me, our babies were enjoying the movie too.

touchy

i have this thing about people touching me.  shortly after we announced that we were expecting, hubbie's great-uncle warned me that my belly would be up for grabs.  literally.  this wasn't a surprise to me, but his remark reminded me that random hands would be there.  touching me.  without permission.  gah!

 

at the beach house this weekend, my SIL and MIL broke down the barrier.  i have to admit it felt weird at first, but i can understand the appeal.  maybe.  sort of.

 

i guess "hands off the preggo, please" is frowned upon these days, huh?

mail fail

so i managed to lock myself out of my car getting mail today.  how, you ask?  how does one ever explain these things?

 

our mailbox resides across the street from the end of our gravel driveway, which happens to be roughly a quarter-mile from the house.  i had parked my car at the mailbox, and like many times before, left it running to retrieve the mail.  mail in hand, i went to open the car door to get back in.  it appeared stuck.  baffled, i peeked in.  the lock was down.

 

now how the heck did that happen?

 

thinking, i knew i had a spare car key in the house.  so naturally i trekked up the driveway.

 

only, once i got there, i wondered how i'd get in the house at all. 

 

my house key was attached to my key ring, which was locked in the car.  and i could call my husband, who wasn't home yet.. if i could just get to my cell phone that was in my purse.  in the car.

 

hmm.  well, that sucked.

 

walking around, i managed to find a way into the house, by sheer luck really.  phew.  then i proceeded to find the spare, walk back down the driveway, get back into my car, and drove back home.

 

it wasn't until i was back inside the house that i realized i'd left the mail outside on the front porch.

 

well, at least this preggo got some exercise.  perhaps this entry should be entitled... baby brain episode #1.