31 down

today marks my first full month of blogging.  i'll admit, it hasn't been easy.  my poor husband has had a number of sleepless nights as a result of the tapping and clicking of my fingers against my keyboard.  i've started to schedule my lunch breaks, evenings, and weekends around my blog time.  my mind hasn't stopped running during my commute, when i'm constantly organizing my thoughts, thinking and rethinking my words.  i've routinely looked up terms and phrases to ensure i'm using them correctly, to pinpoint that perfect usage which will encapsulate what i'm feeling.  i've struggled to come up with topics to write about and even when i know what i want to write, i don't really know exactly what i want to write, how to say it, how to express myself.  the words used to flow from me as a teenager but that has since changed.

yet this is the whole reason i vowed to do this.. to share, to write down these thoughts, to find a way to articulate.  and to do it, consciously, at least once a day.

and so, i move forward.. 334 more days to find my niche again.

tribute

i just watched the SAG awards where morgan freeman presented ernest borgnine with the 'lifetime achievement award' at the age of 94.  in freeman's introduction, he voiced a well-known italian expression that means, "life is what you make it" and how ernie truly embraced this phrase via his craft throughout his life.

have you ever wondered what will be said during a tribute of your life, for your very own 'lifetime achievement award'?  i often do.  i think we are honored to have the gift of life and the only fair thing to do is to honor it back.

open sesame

i woke up this morning to a rustling sound coming from inside the bedroom.  even with my glasses off, once i turned my head i knew that our female cat had gotten into the walk-in closet.  i called her name, and sure enough, she came peeking around the partly-open door before making a run for it.

sometimes, when we pull the door shut and the latch doesn't click in place, it gives our cat just enough of a chance to push it open.  she has been banished from the closet since we first adopted her over 4 years ago, but that doesn't stop her from trying all the time.  i'm not even sure what she's looking for, but her boundless curiosity baffles me and can also be quite humorous.

often i joke about how our kitty is a 'warden' because she makes rounds to keep us on track.  she sits right outside the bathroom door when i'm showering and walks in when it's my husband's turn.  if we're running late, she'll make sure to let us know with a loud and pronounced meow.  she follows me when i go upstairs or tags along when i decide to go down.  now that i think of it, maybe i mistook her watchdog tendencies for her inherent, inquisitive nature, constantly on the look out, consistently vigilant.

if i've learned anything from our furry feline, it's that there's always something new to find, somewhere different to explore, whether it's behind a closed door or in a darkened closet.  and sometimes it's worth the risk to follow your instincts on the path to discovery.

histories

i had dinner last night with the girls at a restaurant i'd wanted to try for awhile.  while we were perusing our menus, our waiter explained some of the history of the cuisine and concept for the restaurant.  he said that when chinese people started immigrating to peru, they began using local produce in their cooking, like fruits native to peru, and preparing them in their customary chinese-style.  little restaurants, called chifas, that showcased this type of culinary preparation started popping up and since then have become very popular in peru.  so the food essentially is a fusion of cantonese and peruvian fare, a mixing of ingredients to provide a unique dining experience.  the restaurant we went to also derived and incorporated some of the elements and tastes from vietnamese and thai cooking.

this little tidbit of information was interesting to me not only because i like learning about the food i am about to enjoy, but also because i am chinese and did not even know chinese people had ever immigrated to peru!  i went into the restaurant thinking this was just another simple idea brought to life by my favorite executive chef, but instead walked away with a full, happy belly and a random fact from my heritage.

it's funny because i used to hate history class, since all i saw it for was boring old facts and dates and figures.  yet what i've discovered through the years is there is a history, a past, a back-story to nearly everything, and if we just look alittle deeper or listen a bit harder, we'll find it in the most obscure or least expected of places.  and that little trinket of knowledge can and will enrich our lives.

i guess it goes without saying that we can truly "learn something new every day," eh?

snow day

we had another big snow storm last night, but i got up and ready for work this morning as usual.  then i waited for the plow, as usual, to come through our development so i could make the trek into the office.  i waited and waited and waited.  the longer i waited, the more anxious i became.  i turned on the news and listened to weather updates and road conditions.  i signed into webmail to check in on my employees and send some messages.  i watched the neighborhood come to life with the sounds of shoveling, snowblowers, spinning tires, and excited kids off from school.  i paced the house.  every time i heard a loud sound, i'd go to the window to see if it was the plow.

when i was little, the morning after it snowed was a very different picture.  my sisters and i, after peeking out the windows, would turn on the radio to listen for school closings with our fingers crossed, waiting for the magic words.  once we heard them, after much rejoicing, we'd either jump right back into bed for an extra hour or so or pull on layers to go outside to play.  a snow day was extraordinary, almost mystical, like we were gaining time and freedom that hadn't been there before.  it was an "off" day, with no schedules or rules to follow.

oh, how perception changes with age!

the plow finally did come, but not until after 2 in the afternoon.  by then, i decided there was nothing i could do but take the rest of the day off.  and since it was a day off, i had to force myself to shut down my computer, stop worrying about work i couldn't get to, and find a way to relax and enjoy it.  i completed some items on my to-do list that i haven't had time to do.  i read part of a book.  i took my time getting ready for dinner with the girls.  and best of all, i listened to the children in the neighborhood, animated, lighthearted, squealing with delight, making snow forts or snowmen, sledding down the hill in our backyard.

sometimes we need kids to remind us how to let loose and make the most out of alittle downtime.

joke's on me

irony.  what do you make of this term?  dictionary.com describes it as, "an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected."

last night i blogged about words of wisdom from a church sign, namely, biting my tongue, and how i typically do not need help with following this guideline.  you would think that i would wake up in the morning feeling the same way, except that what i didn't expect happened, and so i heard the little voice in my head repeating, nearly screaming, those words for me to BITE MY TONGUE, and bite it hard.

i guess you could call that ironic, or maybe just a reminder that the road map to self-discovery  is ever on the move, evolving.  or perhaps alanis morissette said it best with her notable lyric, "life has a funny way of sneaking up on you."

stutter

there is a church across the street from a gas station which i use that i particularly like.  i've never been inside, but what draws me to this place are the messages displayed out front.  i look forward to these notes because they speak to me when i need them most.  today's bulletin was: "better to bite your tongue now than have to eat your words later."  this was especially relevant to me in a recent situation, and i wish i could have shared this quote with the person who affronted me.

whenever i'm confronted by a difficult person or amidst an argument, i clam up and/or walk away.  it's as if my mind freezes, pauses, goes blank, goes mute, can't process, can't articulate.  i do a kathleen kelly.  i'll explain.  the other day, i caught part of the movie, 'you've got mail' and meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, describes how she gets tongue-tied when provoked and is unable to say exactly what she means when she means to say it.  that's me in a nutshell.  i'm not quick enough to counter or retaliate, and i can't even count how many times i've thought of what i could have said at a later time.  i've always been this way, probably at first because i was a timid child, but later because i witnessed how hurtful altercations could be.  and i purposefully didn't want to regret words spewed in anger.

i'm not sure who taught me the "sticks and stones" chant when i was younger, but i happen to think it's rubbish.  words do hurt.  alot.  i understand that the intent of the childhood mantra is good, but reciting the lines never made me feel even an ounce better.  in my opinion, a cutting remark can cause more pain than a physical stab or wound.  so i'm somewhat glad i have this unfortunate inability to vocalize my feelings when someone has upset me.  this allows me not to have to exercise the church's message.

now if only i could pass this insight on to the world.. but wait, i basically am.  so there you have it, divine wisdom from a church sign.

jump in

my coworker asked me to sponsor her today in the "polar bear plunge" that benefits the special olympics.  i hadn't heard of this before so she explained to me that participants jump into icy cold water to raise funds for the state's special olympics.  i thought that was very cool (pardon my pun).

i think the only way to properly describe returning to work after an unexpected but welcome vacation is to compare it to what it must feel like to take the polar bear plunge.

pencil me in

i am in charge of our social calendar, which means that when our friends and family ask us when we are available, my husband tells them to talk to me.  i manage all of our time and commitments for gatherings and events.  and since i'm an avid planner, i often schedule our "free time," or weekends, in advance.  on fridays, my coworkers often ask, "what's up for the weekend?  you always have something."

this weekend was no exception; we had both saturday and sunday blocked off for family get-togethers.  the only thing i didn't know prior to making these arrangements was that we would be traveling the entire week before.  so it was a bit of a whirlwind with not much break or "catching up" in between landing back in the u.s. and the next item on our agenda.

sometimes, i find myself looking forward to, almost craving, a blank day on our calendar, a chance to have a day devoted to doing absolutely nothing.  no appointments, no obligations, nothing.  as i get older it seems that these days are fewer and further between.. there are more responsibilities, more lists to make, more plans to map out.

but would i have it any other way?  probably not.  because the days that i'm not doing anything feel exactly like that: that i'm not doing anything.  and who wants that?  i'd rather be doing things with people i care about than doing nothing by myself.

which is probably why i find myself filling in those blank days almost as soon as i notice the space.

accessories

quote of the day:

"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."                                                        -- Stranger Than Fiction

may you accessorize your days with reassurances from those you love.

sand to snow

it's hard to imagine that just this morning i had breakfast in pristine beach weather, only to step on a plane to be transported back home where there is currently 5 inches of snow on the ground.  there truly is no place like home, but this time it was somewhat bittersweet.  my family always travels to the warmest places in the summer and coldest places in the winter so i don't think i have ever felt a sharper contrast than this.  i sensed it as soon as i exited through the doors of the airport -- chilly, blustery wind, like a biting slap in the face.

back to reality, it howled at me.

songs & sounds

we were beach bums for the day and happened to witness a wedding from the ocean.  the opening song, before the bride walks down the aisle, still gets me every time.  it's funny how certain songs (and sounds) can trigger both joyful and sad memories.

one time, probably about a year after we were married, my husband and i were christmas shopping when the opening bars of pachelbel's canon in d started playing over the speakers.  my eyes were instantly misty.  my husband turned around with tears in his eyes and asked outloud why he felt so emotional.  i recognized the song then and reminded him of our wedding procession.

there are already several songs that evoke happy memories for me:  "(december, 1963) oh, what a night" by the four seasons, "wonderful tonight" by eric clapton, "brown eyed girl" by van morrison, "beautiful soul" by jesse mccartney, "that's when i love you" by aslyn...

and likewise, there are plenty of songs (and sounds too) that i will remember from this trip:  "fast car" by tracy chapman, the black birds calling in the morning, the rolling waves, the breeze blowing through the palm trees, iguanas rustling through the brush, the mariachi band playing "la bamba," the crunch of the sand beneath our feet, the way mexicans say 'hello'...

i hope that through the years we will find many more songs/sounds that can instantly make me smile.

footprints

we joined a tour today of chichen itza to explore the mayan ruins.  i had toured it many years ago during my first visit to mexico with my family, but it was different than how i remembered it.  the kukulcan pyramid and ball court i remember.  the heat i definitely remember.  but having a 1-1/2 hour guided tour to learn about the mayan people and their history/legacy was fascinating.  it was amazing to walk on the land and view restorations of the buildings and structures, imagining what it may have been like during that time (hundreds? of years ago).  it's a bit like stepping into the past.  our tour guide said that in order for us to open up our minds/perception, we had to "step into mayan sandals" -- for instance, imagine a time when people would sacrifice themselves in order to give the most valuable 'possessions' to the gods.  these days we could probably not even comprehend such a thing.  and although alot has been figured out by the experts about mayan people and their way of life, some things will always remain a mystery or up to interpretation.

i hope that someday when i leave this earth, that i will leave alittle history behind, some that's understood and some that is not -- because those that remain a mystery will be my own, like secrets only i will ever know.

sands of time

today is my husband's birthday.  this is the first time he's celebrated it out of the country and i feel so lucky he's celebrating it with me.

over lunch, we were reminiscing about when we first met -- him at 25 and me at 23.  i remarked that we were just kids back then, because we were.  it's been over 6 years that we've been together and our relationship has developed over time as we were changing on our own.

today is also my mother's birthday.  it's hard to believe that she had me over 30 years ago now.  i've been told by my parents, my in-laws, my husband's grandmother that time passes in the blink of an eye.  i've felt this myself -- how did i manage to turn 30 all of a sudden?

the good thing about being here is that there is no concept of time -- no watches, no schedules, no places to be, no commitments to uphold.  here, time is measured by the sun's journey across the sky, by the birds waking us up in the mornings, by our bellies telling us we're hungry.  here, time is like the sand in the ocean beneath our feet -- ever present, but hidden under blue-green waters.

waves of freedom

today i swam in the ocean for the first time in at least over a decade.  (i didn't even own a swimsuit that fit until my best friend gave me one on my birthday).  it was peaceful to be out in the water with fish swimming around me, my feet in the sand, walking along a coral reef (even though it stung at times).  i could have been out there for hours, floating, letting the waves carry me out to sea.  for the first time in a long time i was liberated -- i said "screw it" for being self-conscious about my body or my swim gear, and just swam and swam until i was tired and content.

quote of the day:  "you smell like the ocean."

escape

hello, from sunny, beautiful mexico!  the husband surprised me with a trip to riviera maya for my birthday.  he requested all of next week off for me from my boss.

it is in the high 70s/low 80s here and we can smell the fresh air, feel the warm breeze, and hear the ocean waves from the balcony in our room.  it's like being transported to another world.  a much-needed escape.

quote of the day:  "i can't believe i'm wearing flipflops in january!"

blessed

today i turned 30.  in the spirit of counting blessings, i would like to list 30 things i am grateful for today (in no particular order):

1) god 
2) my loving family
3) my amazing husband (he's a special one)

4) my wonderful, fabulous friends

5) my awesome coworkers
6) my 2 lovely kitties (aka kids)

7) my beautiful home
8) surprises

9) a delicious lunch at my favorite restaurant
10) a spectacular birthday party

11) the most fantastic birthday cakes
12) ridiculous twilight paraphernalia
13) a warm coat

14) cozy boots

15) chapstick

16) good hugs
17) candles
18) colorful nail polish
19) birthday texts
20) funny and sweet birthday cards
21) wheel of fortune on wii
22) thoughtful gifts (though presence was enough!)
23) a sewing kit
24) a hot glue gun
25) the lady who taught me 'b-f-f' 
26) honest, good fun
27) my manager, who approved my week off!
28) my passport

29) my laptop, which enables me to blog
30) my camera, that captures it all

nothin' but a number

i am a twilight freak.  i know that this obsession seems alittle silly for a woman my age, but i don't care.  yes, i'm referring to the book-to-movie franchise that is targeted toward teenagers.  yes, i've read all the books.  my best friend bought me the series a couple christmases ago and i finished them before the new year.  i've also watched and own all the movies.  and i was invited into an exclusive twilight "club" the minute one of my coworkers discovered my interest.  yes, we actually discuss elements of the books and have movie screening parties. 

for those in my office that didn't know this tidbit about me before today, they definitely know now.  this morning i found my cube full-out decorated with a twilight-theme, complete with quotes from the movie and even a very red, very shiny apple.  the birthday celebration didn't end there.  lunch ended with an 'eclipse' cake that we all had alot of fun with.  i felt like a kid again, carefree and giddy.  i think that is what is so attractive about the story -- it's a chance to be young again, to remember the feeling of falling in love for the first time, to recall what it was like to make decisions and mistakes. 

my coworkers have known that i've been dreading turning 30 for quite some time so lightening things up really eased my anxiety about entering the next decade of my life.  people over 30 have assured me that it is just another birthday, another number; and now that it's right around the corner, i can see their point.  i think my initial apprehension stemmed from the perception that 30 is a milestone birthday, the BIG one, a sign that says "I AM HERE" and no longer "just a kid out of college" or "fresh blood" (like my twilight association?).  it's hard to imagine that 10 years ago i was a sophomore in college, had not even reached the legal drinking age, and had absolutely no idea what i wanted to do, let alone what i was even doing.  not like the latter has changed much, but my early 20s compared to my late 20s were miles apart.  if anything, 25 should be the milestone birthday.  tomorrow's just another day, and i doubt that i'll wake up feeling any differently than i did waking up today.

so what does a 29-going-on-30-year-old think today?  forget the age, it's never too late to have alittle fun.

    

    

presents/presence

my employer partners with an organization in africa to help fund and support a network of hospices in kenya.  through donations, we are able to aid in providing much-needed medications and care to patients, and resources and education to palliative care workers in the african community.

four of my coworkers had the opportunity to travel to kenya last october and share their pictures and experiences today.  their presentation was enlightening and profoundly moving.  they explained that funding, travel, medications, equipment, and training are much different terms in africa than what we are used to on our end of the world.  to put it simply, accessibility, availability, affordability, and quality are deep-rooted issues these providers face every day.

attending the presentation was an awakening of sorts.  one of the managers i work closely with was one of the four who traveled to kenya.  she remarked that she did not return to the u.s. as the same person she was before the trip.  i've witnessed the change in her and feel blessed to be a humbled bystander.

this inspired me to make a promise to myself: whenever i notice that i'm starting to take what i have for granted, i will remember my brave coworkers, their work and dedication, and the mission they carried out on the other side of the atlantic to provide compassionate care for those less fortunate than us.  after all, we are all deserving, especially those who we call our friends.

buyer's market

today i was researching hotels for my sister's upcoming bachelorette party which ended up taking almost 2 hours since the website kept lagging and bugging out.  there are times when i can easily lose my patience, but not when i'm shopping around.  in fact, i was so engrossed in finding the best deal that i didn't even notice how much time had passed!

the most appropriate word i can think of to describe how i feel when i find a bargain or steal is 'exhilirating.'  sometimes, after purchasing an item from the store, if i happen to notice the same item on sale or in the clearance aisle during my next visit, i'll go through the hassle of picking it up and making an extra trip back to the store to return the original item.  the fact that i snag it for cheaper the second time around makes it all worth it to me.  this feeling, this rush i get from saving money, also explains why someone like me, who doesn't like crowds and generally hates mornings is in line at 5 a.m. on black friday.

i probably learned to be a smart shopper from my dad.  he is constantly clipping coupons for the grocery store or looking in his entertainment book for savings.  often, we won't go to a restaurant if the book doesn't offer a coupon.  i find myself following in his footsteps; i usually don't go anywhere without arming myself with coupon codes, gift certificates, or a groupon.

you could call this frugal, but my dad taught me very important lessons: 1) that money does not grow on trees, and 2) by investing alittle time (and sometimes alot of patience), we can stretch the value of our lot, remembering that it doesn't take much to have a good time for a good price.

eye of the storm

it's no surprise i would leave work late the night a huge snowstorm hits.  i'm usually in the office after hours.  i like powering through the quiet time in between shifts.

still, it probably would have been wiser to get a headstart on the roads to avoid such a frightening 2-hour commute home.  every season, once the weather turns colder, my husband lectures me about packing an overnight bag and leaving it in my car for situations like these.  but have i done it?  nope.  and did i listen to him when he told me to turn around and find a hotel for the night?  i'm sure you can guess the answer to that.

can he blame me, though?  i'd drive through any storm to make it home.  just the thought of sleeping in an empty, lonely hotel room gets me here.  and if that makes me a careless, stubborn fool, then so be it.

oddball

i unwrapped a piece of dove chocolate this afternoon to uncover this message: "it's not only okay to be different, it's fantastic!"  i literally laughed out loud.

i've always been alittle different.  some could say eccentric or peculiar.  i have been called aloof and mysterious, seemingly unapproachable (until you get to know me), and i don't need anyone to tell me that i'm a bit of a weirdo.

as a child, i often felt out of step with other kids my age.  i was painfully shy and quiet, and for the most part kept to myself.  throughout elementary and middle school i was mercilessly tormented (which sadly is nothing new these days), for being chinese, for wearing odd matchy-matchy neon-colored clothes from taiwan, for having glasses, for being overweight.  of all the socially awkward stigmas a person could have, i pretty much had them all.  i was blissfully unaware of what was "in" because i was a constant outsider.

being on the outside, i became a quick observer.  i watched what the popular kids would do and say, but even when i was welcomed into the crowd, i chose to be distant.  i wanted to disconnect.  i never felt quite right to be included in the circle, because it made me feel like an imposter, a fraud, playing pretend for the day or night.

my sisters, particularly the middle one, managed to get "it" (whatever "it" was), and attaining and maintaining all the right moves seemed absolutely effortless for her.  she was always ahead of the curve when it came to new trends or whatever was in style or mainstream.  although four years her senior, i consistently felt behind.  but whereas i couldn't help being different as a child, i preferred individuality as i stepped into adulthood.

it wasn't until college (as it often happens) that i started to settle into my own skin.  i realized that who i had become was a direct result of all my quirks and nuances, and not the other way around.  this made me unique.  this made me me.  and i was okay with that.

if i could go back, i wouldn't change a thing.  i'm glad i stuck to my guns.  i'm glad i didn't conform.  i'm glad i never lost myself because i was different.  and if there is one thing i could tell the younger version of myself, it would be that being different is fantastic.

mirror, mirror

i finally had the chance to see black swan today.  one of the elements clearly depicted in the movie was how natalie portman's character, nina, faced pressures from all sides of her life -- from her overbearing mother, from her artistic director, from a rival ballerina, and most of all, from herself.  the burden she placed on herself to be perfect was so immense that the line between reality and fantasy began to blur with the disintegration of her mind.

often, i think we are affronted by stress in our lives, from work or school, from personal affairs.  the demands for success, to make our parents proud, to take care of ourselves and our families is very real.  i remember a very dark time during my college career when i had to confront these expectations head-on, knowing that whatever i decided would hurt or disappoint someone, but that ultimately the choice was mine, and mine alone to live with.

in those times when i am at my limit, stressed out and burned out, overloaded and frazzled, i am reminded that i need to stop obsessing over things out of my control.  to breathe.  to remember that we can not always avoid the stressors in our lives, but that we can curb how they affect us. 

metaphorically speaking, it's like looking in the mirror and reflecting on what is really there, rather than what could be.  it's affirming who we see staring back at us, rather than focusing on the distorted image our distress embodies.

twins

today is my twin's birthday.  my twin does not resemble me.  she's blonde, fair-skinned, and always a walking fashion statement.

my twin and i met about 6 years ago when we were working at the same place.  it's funny because we didn't mesh right away.  once we started talking though, there was an easy connection, something inherently fitting about us becoming close friends.  we quickly realized that not only did we have a natural affinity for the same things, but we often shared a similar sensibility when expressing our feelings.  thus, instant twins at heart.

so today, from the wintry, snowy, east coast, i wish my lovely twin a sunny, beautiful day across the miles.

treasured bites

my coworker buzzed just before noon today to see if i wanted to grab sushi for lunch.  how could i say no?  sushi is one of my favorite things to eat, because of what i coin the 3 Ts: taste, texture, and tenuity.

delightful food is just a piece of the whole dining experience, which in many ways is an art.  when i'm trying a new restaurant, i like to admire the furnishings, the ambiance, the details that make the structure and scene unique.  i observe the staff and movement of the crew as they gracefully maneuver around tables and narrow corridors.  i see the elements of quality service literally unfolding in front of me as the room pulses around us: hostesses greeting guests, chairs being pulled out, napkins being folded, specials read from memory and menus explained.  and when the food arrives, it's a bonus when it's almost too pretty to eat without having to snap a quick photo first.

it's no wonder that some of my most fun, memorable, picture-worthy moments have revolved around a dinner table.  what could be a better pairing than good friends and good food?

fine lines

my mom and i didn't always have the wonderful relationship we have now.  we butted heads constantly and it all boiled over one summer night.  i remember it vividly because i was sitting in my boyfriend (now husband)'s car in a rita's water ice parking lot.

my dad had called me because my mom and i weren't exactly speaking at that point.  i didn't realize it then, but he gave me an excellent piece of advice that i have since then applied both personally and professionally.

basically, he told me that some people are set in their ways so don't have the capacity to change.  according to him, the only way to make it work with those people is to accept it and be willing to bend alittle more than them.  because i was younger, and therefore had the time to learn to change, then i should be the one to give.

at the time of course, i was adamantly opposed to this plan because i felt that compromise should be 50/50, that each person in conflict should equally share responsiblity for their actions.

however, i took heed of his words, and slowly but surely, my relationship with my mother began to evolve.  looking back, if i had to pinpoint the moment which had prompted the change, it would have been that night with my dad on the phone.

i do believe that compromise is a two-way street, but not necessarily of equal measure.  the ideal compromise would be a mutual understanding, a balanced give-and-take, a split right down the middle.  but i think if we expect this of each other in all of our relationships, we would be left wanting; and potentially, so would others.

next time, instead of pushing and pulling and battling it out, it may be worth it to evaluate ourselves and be willing to swallow our pride.  there are probably times we could have been more adaptable or resilient, and most importantly, forgiving. 

my abridged version of dad's advice: sometimes we need to take a step back in order to take that step forward.

stuck

i'll admit it, i can be a bit of a procrastinator.  and procrastination should not be confused with laziness or disarray.  i am quite a diligent planner.  so painstakingly orderly, in fact, that you could call me a "queen of the organized mess." 

several years ago, in order to combat my defering tendencies, i started writing my "to-do" lists on sticky notes.  then i started to affix these notes to the back of my cell phone to bring home.  these days they are stuck on my cosmetic bag, kitchen counter, laptop, or nightstand.  sometimes i'll get as far as crossing 1 or 2 items off the list (before the adhesive wears off), but most of the time, items are relisted onto a new note. 

yes, relisted.  as in, carried over from the first list to the second to the third, you get my drift.

my to-dos are prioritized in order by a self-imposed deadline ("d") day.  d day is the last possible date they can be done.  in the end, everything is finished, and on time, but you can bet that i'll be doing them on d day. 

so in essence, i created a more organized way to procrasinate. 

people who know me would probably never use 'procrastinator' to describe me.  that is because they see the end result and not my nonsensical process in getting there.  but somehow, the goofy system seems to works for me.

either that, or i just have a house full of sticky notes.

jackpot

alittle after 3 today, the phone rang at my desk.  hardly anyone has my direct line, so seeing the familiar number on the caller ID was a welcome distraction.

"can you pick up a mega millions ticket tonight?"

i couldn't help but crack a smile.  he was trying to downplay the excitement in his voice, but i could still hear it.

one of the many things i adore about my husband is his boundless sense of hope.  without it, we probably would never have begun dating, and that is a constant reminder to me.

i don't need to hit the lottery to know that i'm a winner.

love thy neighbor

to me, there is something oddly comforting about routine.  i'm not sure if this is innately built in, being born a capricorn, or if i learned this from my parents, specifically my dad.  it's probably a combination of both.  no matter what the reason, i'm most at ease when i'm in a rhythm.

mornings are the most rhythmic part of my day.  every weekday, at exactly 5:50 a.m., i hear the sound of my neighbor starting up his truck in the driveway to leave for work.  i could set my watch to that sound, 5 days a week, always on time.  sometimes in the winter he warms up his car for a few minutes, but still leaves at 5:50 on the dot.  these days i stir to the sound of his waking engine more often than to my obnoxious alarm.

once, when i overslept through said obnoxious alarm (and equally, if not more, obnoxious back-up alarm), it wasn't until i was reversing out of my driveway in my frenzied, disheveled state that i realized what had happened.  his truck, bright yellow and white, was parked in its usual spot on his driveway.  what had happened?  was he sick?  did he actually take off a day?  today was a work day, wasn't it?

sometimes i wonder if he knows i rely on the hum of his truck in the mornings.  sometimes i wonder who he depends on, or what he may notice about my habits.  in any event, i like to believe that we're all connected somehow, like one big turning wheel, counting on our neighbors to get us to where we're supposed to be.

imprints

i have this thing with the smooth, flat edges and clean lines of a new book.  i often go to great lengths to keep pages unruffled and covers untarnished while reading them for the first time.  only those close to me have actually borrowed books from my collection, if they were lucky and caught me on a giving kind of day.

my husband, though accepting of this obsessive trait, once remarked that books should be worn, alittle softened, a bit used.. essentially that they should look read.  at the time, i defiantly disagreed and chalked up my defiance to his theory as a result of my own neurosis.

this afternoon, i was flipping through a recipe book on the couch when it dropped to the floor and creased one of the edges.  most people would probably just pick it up and move on with their lives.  me?  i think i stared at it for about 2 whole minutes, smoothing back the cover, trying to undo it, take back time, questioning my decision to lay the book down on the arm of the couch in the first place before it made its regretful tumble to the ground where its flawless canvas would be ruined forevermore.

then, while placing the book delicately back into its drawer, i thought, i can change this.  so what if it's no longer perfect?  it's used, it's been touched.  and it's just a book for goodness sake.. stop being so darn dramatic!

perhaps things are not meant to be perfect -- perhaps they're meant to be alittle tarnished, alittle ruffled.. like leaving an imprint or mark behind.  and so maybe i can see my husband's point now.. but let's not tell him that.

day 1

silver and gold decor.  party hats.  sparkly dresses.  twinkling lights.  champagne.  noisemakers.  countdowns.  clinking glasses.  smiling faces.  shouts.  fireworks.  hugs.  happy tears.

it's a new year.. a new day, a fresh start, a blank page.  a collective spirit of beginnings, of starting over, of the courage to change.  for resolutions and promises.  for taking risks.  for facing challenges.

today, in my 2011, i face a new challenge: to write it all down.  to capture it, remember it, savor the moments.  my 2011 "on paper" will look like this -- things i will learn, emotions i will feel, stories i will tell.  my world through my eyes, and my chance to share what i see with the world.  today i embark on a voyage of self-discovery, one day at a time.

new year, new perspective.