elbowroom

i have an issue with people invading my space.  last night at the grocery store, i was waiting for the couple ahead of me to be rung up before placing my items on the conveyer belt.  once there was enough room between us, i moved up maybe 2 steps to start unloading when the eldery gentleman behind me began shoving his stuff on too.  it got to the point where i'd be setting something down and we'd literally knock elbows because he was so close.  i even tried to slide my hand basket underneath the counter but he refused to move, even after i'd said "excuse me" a couple of times (and i'm pretty sure he heard me the second time).

that whole check-out experience left me flustered and wanting to run out of there.  it wasn't so much the rushing (because i can handle that to a point), but the fact that the guy totally stepped into my personal zone without permission.

i'm not really proud of this, though.  the problem extends to me not being able to be touched by strangers.  once, when i had to sit in the middle seat in the last row of a plane (the seats would not go back) between 2 ginormous guys, i spent the entire 2-hour flight with my arms crossed over my chest and my knees locked so we wouldn't brush body parts.

but this also happens with people i know too.  if i'm talking to someone and they take a step too close or lean into my face, i'll instinctively take a step backward or angle myself away.  even when people are offering support with a pat on the shoulder or touch on the hand, i feel awkward and unable to reciprocate in similar situations.

this doesn't mean that i don't appreciate or want to return a kind gesture.  or that i don't like to be hugged or held or touched, for that matter.  it's actually quite the opposite.  i do like affection and can show it to those i'm closest to and care for.

i'm not sure when or how (though i can think of a couple possible reasons that won't be disclosed here) my territorial issues came to be, but i do want people to know that i'm not as reserved as i can appear to be sometimes.  maybe i just need some distance.  and when you get a good hug or squeeze from me, it probably means more than you would have guessed.