losers weepers

i've searched high and low for one of my old sketchpads (not included in the ones found during thanksgiving weekend) that housed illustrations of animated characters (like the traditional fairytale version of snow white and disney's pocahontas) and sketches of my family.  i've looked in every nook and crevice i can think of, my old bins and crates, boxes that still haven't been unpacked, drawers and closets.  i'm fairly positive that it's in the house, somewhere, because it wasn't at my parents'.  so it has to be somewhere.

i have a faint memory that i did bring it home specifically to show my husband, because i have an even fainter memory that we had conversed about art which led to the sketches i had done.  when i discovered he had never seen my work, i promised to bring home my sketchpad the next time i went to visit my parents.  so i'm pretty sure i followed through with that, except i have no idea where it is now.  or whether he had ever seen them.

and the harder i look, the harder it seems to be to find.

i probably placed it in a "special spot" for safekeeping, so special and so safe that not even i have a chance of finding it.

where, oh, where art thou sketchpad?

and i'm on the hunt again.

cat got your... alarm?

i concocted these coffee cookie sandwiches with pumpkin filling over the weekend that i've been nibbling between meals this week.  i made several batches, each batch with progressively more instant coffee because i didn't think they tasted coffee-ish enough.  the cookies are addicting, which should come at no surprise because of the caffeine in them, but what is surprising is the fact that i didn't think they were affecting me.  until i found myself up late for 2 nights in a row (and judging by the time on this post, the third will be closely following the others).

long story short, i was up all night which made getting up this morning even harder than usual.  i must have pressed the snooze button for an entire hour until i was woken up by the feeling of pressure on my arm and finally pried my eyes open to figure out the culprit.  it was my cat, B.  she had literally stepped onto me gently with her 2 front paws as if to shake me.  and then she'd made a very clear, very audible noise that wasn't quite a meow because it was firmer.  it said, "get up NOW."

who needs alarms when you have cats?

holiday spirit

i'm the type of person that doesn't like to acknowledge christmas until it's nearly upon us.  it seems like every year the push for the holidays and to buy, buy, buy starts earlier and earlier -- this year, stores were adorned with red-and-green decor before halloween had even come and gone!  meanwhile, i generally hold off until black friday to start my holiday shopping; i ban christmas music until december.

my husband, on the other hand, will belt out christmas songs in july.  he looks forward to it all year -- and i mean all year.  the weeks leading up to the big day are filled with boundless excitement, and when i look into his eyes i can almost seem them sparkling.  the child inside him clearly shines through.

so you can imagine what it's like in our house.  when he starts singing, i'll cover my ears.  when he's bouncing off the walls, i'm quietly checking off my lists.  like i've mentioned before, my husband and i react to situations very differently.  he prefers the build up to christmas, running full-speed, each day closer and closer to december 25th.  i'd rather savor every day as it comes, not pressing on or rushing towards a specific date.  time passes quickly enough, so why let the month of december turn into a blur?  the holidays are a chance for me to slow it down.

but things started changing last night.  right before i fell asleep, i heard sirens from a fire truck, turned to my husband and murmured, "santa should be coming by soon."  he asked the date was and after i told him, he remarked, "it's our 5-year anniversary in the house," to which i exclaimed, "happy house-a-versary!"  it was during our first winter in the house that we discovered the little town tradition of santa visiting the neighborhood atop a fire engine.  i can still see hubbie and B staring out the window together, trying to see what all the commotion was about.

then today, i downloaded a christmas album so i could listen to it at work.  before december.  i even found myself nearly humming along.  and i actually enjoyed seeing the christmas lights and displays in my development, including the outrageous ones with the gigantic blow up santas and snowmen.  and guess what i've been doing tonight?  browsing through old christmas albums.  what in the world has gotten into me?

it seems i've been bitten by the ol' christmas bug.

homecoming

there's something about thanksgiving weekend that always makes a person think about home and childhood and growing up and old friends. i think it's rare to experience (or should we call it 're-experience'?) it all in a long weekend, but somehow i did.

before i left my parents' house on friday, i was going through my old bookshelf when i discovered my artwork binder and sketchpads from junior high. they contained drawings, crafts (chinese paper cutting and origami), print-outs from my creations in MS paint, banners, and projects that ranged from 19th century fashion to my egg baby report in 8th grade. i also found a couple poems i had forgotten about writing regarding nature and war, as well as my packet from what looked like a church retreat and some old notes written to my best friend at the time. it was funny rediscovering the girl i was at that age and realizing that i was, and probably will always be, a special one. and there's not a darn thing wrong with that.

good company

we had dinner tonight with 2 other couples who we haven't seen in awhile.  a couple of years ago, we used to have a sort of dinner club but our schedules stopped coinciding so our dinner dates gradually stopped too.  but i'm glad we got them going again.

out of the group tonight, 5 out of the 6 of us had worked at the same company during the same time and all of us have left except for one.  so naturally the conversations led to the good ol' times at work and funny things that have happened over the years concerning our mutual friends.  it's nice after all this time (i've been gone 3.5 years myself), that we still have so much to laugh about.

one of my closest girlfriends constantly tells me that i changed her mind about "work friends" and "real friends."  she used to always think of coworkers as just coworkers and nothing more.  but we developed a friendship outside of work and have kept in touch even though both of us have left the company that brought us together.

when we spend the highest percentage of our days and time at work more than anywhere else, how couldn't we become invested in the people we work with?  i think it's inevitable.  sure, you don't love  or have to love everyone you work with, but once in awhile you luck out with a group that becomes like a family you're tied to and accept because you care.  and when the family gets together, there's bound to be some memorable, laughable moments.

midnight madness

after a delicious thanksgiving feast (and what a feast it was!), my sisters, cousin, and i stayed up to check out the black friday deals at target. the doors were set to open at midnight so we arrived a few minutes afterward, assuming that the lines wouldn't be bad based on previous years when we went at 5 a.m. once we made it into the parking lot, we quickly discovered how wrong we had been -- the line stretched from the door down the street and there were literally people everywhere. (it appears that we're not the only crazies who'd rather stay up thanksgiving night instead of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn). we made it into the store quicker than we expected to though, only to be greeted by another line inside that was apparently for electronics. thankfully we weren't looking for any of that. we navigated the crowd as best we could, seeking items to cross off our christmas shopping lists.

when i was standing in one of the aisles, i heard someone call my name. the voice belonged to a childhood friend of mine that i probably haven't seen in close in 15 years! i was surprised she recognized me since i was wearing my glasses, but she looked exactly the same so maybe i haven't changed much in her eyes either. my mom runs into my old friends more often than i do since her and my dad moved back to our hometown, and she told me so. we chatted fairly easily as if we see each other on a regular basis. it was some kind of fluke that we ended up in the same store, in the same aisle, at the same moment.

after about an hour and a half of shopping, my sisters and i started towards check-out which wrapped around from the back of the store and around the aisles until we were assigned a cashier. the whole process took about 40 minutes of waiting, plus another 5 or so in guest services for a price adjustment since i noticed i had been overcharged. once we left the store, all of us were too tired and too shopped out to go anywhere else. was it worth it, though? i ask myself that every year and the answer is always yes. not solely because of the deals i score but because of the time spent with the sisters.

our tradition

"Our Tradition”

Thanksgiving 2011

For our family, Thanksgiving has always been the “it” holiday, even bigger than Christmas or New Years.  I wonder how this came about and all I’ve come up with is that we used to always travel for the holidays, spreading our time between relatives in Chicago and New York, enjoying the festivities that each metropolis would offer.  Come January we’d often find ourselves still packed and ready to go, facing a new year like it was another trip on the road, not quite settled before it was time to go again.  So maybe Thanksgiving simply felt like home, loyal and steadfast, a testament to us like it was ours.

After my sisters and I had left for college, my mom would always make sure to pull us back for Thanksgiving, eager to cement our plans before fall semester had concluded.  “When are you coming home?” “What should Dad and I make?” “Have you heard from your sisters?”  She would be excited to see us, our hustling, bustling family under one roof again.  Over the years, the questions are still the same and the warmth in her voice carries me all the way back to New Jersey.

This year, my mother has organized a party like no other.  I can imagine the scene now: My sisters and I in the warm kitchen (since my dad will already have something in the oven or on the stovetop) clamoring around while we wait for mom, always fashionably late, to wake from her nap.  The husbands will be undoubtedly hovering, picking at this and that while we shoo them away to watch TV.  At some point, my aunt will flurry in with her daughters and grandbaby in tow, enough of a commotion for my mom to make an appearance.  Then more cousins, complete with a chattering pair of kids, and my husband’s family, my in-laws with their arms full of food and cookies.  There will be commotion and laughs and hugs and the lingering scent of dinner, and before we know it one of my cousins will ask, “When are we eating?” and somehow we’ll squeeze the lot of us around two long tables, the piano bench serving as a couple of chairs.

For me, this is the kind of scene I look forward to each year.  Sometimes minor details will change, like what we’re cooking or the number of people showing up, but overall I can count on our togetherness.  I can count on the noise.  I can count on the stories shared and the elation felt and the promise to do it again, and soon.  Every Thanksgiving, I can count on all of you.

Dad, this was a big birthday year for you and all the more reason to celebrate.  In the thirty years I’ve had with you, you’ve shaped me in so many ways; I’ve noticed this in the most elementary practices in my life.  Thank you for your kind heart, quiet strength, and the appreciative manner in which you lead our family.  You have the ability to teach me something without my even knowing it; sometimes the advice you’ve given resonates much later, but you’ve provided me with the tools and clarity to find my way.

Mom, my fearless momma, always the strong one.  I will never forget how frightening it was for us when you were first diagnosed, then decided on surgery.  You handled each step from your operation through recovery with optimism and faith.  These days, you’re still one of the first people I call when I’m faced with a difficult situation, knowing that you’ll be there on the other end of the line with honesty and conviction.  You are my biggest advocate.

Rach, my little sister, a married woman!  It was amazing to stand with you at the altar on your wedding day, witnessing you exchange vows with your new husband.  What a blessing it is that you have found your better half, the person who completes you.  It’s humbling to see you grow into the next stage of your life: the role of devoted wife (and adventurous cook)!

Sarah, a college grad.  It was surreal attending your graduation ceremony, watching you walk across the stage to receive your diploma.  I am so very proud of you.  I’m glad you come to me to talk things out about the incredible responsibility you feel and struggles you face as a student teacher.  You do noble, giving work, and there is no one better suited for it than you.

John, welcome to the family!  I’m thankful that you’re around.  I’ve realized now that you will forever be finding something to fix or improve, taking care of business as you do with everything.  You look out for the family with a willing, generous spirit, keeping those you care about top of mind.

Anthony, my best friend, my comfort.  I am lucky not only to have an unwavering supporter, but someone who challenges me every day.  In your arms, I am safe; in your eyes, I am cherished.  You constantly show me that we can make it through anything, large or small, as long as we rely on one another, as long as we’re together.

Dad (Rediger), thank you for your considerate regard for both Anthony and me.  Without question, you consistently have our best interest at heart, whether it is packing up food for us after a visit or bringing the truck around so that we can go “shopping.”  Every plant or flower you have personally added to our garden is done carefully and thoughtfully.  Thank you for enriching our lives.

Mom (Rediger), our one-of-a-kind supermom!  If you discovered one of us in need, you would drop everything or do anything in your power to absolve us of our troubles.  It is exemplary of the gracious, inherently good, admirable person you are.  Thank you for everything you do, donating time and energy and a listening ear.

Jana, my partner in crime.  Thank you for always being there for me.  I know that you will laugh with me but cry with me too; we’re a natural pair, so whatever I feel, you feel.  Thank you for working at our relationship and keeping us connected.  I truly enjoy our little messages throughout the day!

Nan, here’s to a wise, remarkable woman.  I love hearing you tell your stories with expressive candor and ease, transporting us back into another time and place.  Your vitality is channeled through your ever-growing family, which is reflected right back at you.

To my family – this year, I thank you for tradition, our tradition, I can count on.

“Traditions are not for keeping.  They’re for keeping us together.”  –Hallmark commercial

hope floats

"Hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  --Romans 8:24-25

half the battle

i think people are generally attune to their bodies.  i could tell you what i think is going on with mine.  a doctor could read me results off a page and give me his most informed opinion, but i am not surprised.  or upset.  or relieved.  initially, i am not anything. 

my reaction (or lack thereof) is handled the same way i would attack something at work -- nodding in understanding, methodical, matter-of-fact.  process, process, process. 

do i have any questions?  no, why would i?  after all, i knew all along.

like clockwork, i gather my things, handle the co-pay.  out in the waiting room, i see a sea of faces.  an elderly man locks eyes with me, and for a second i wonder if he can read my face.  because not even i would know what it says.

i flee for the door... and there i run into the real world.

'tis the season

i unintentionally watched the premiere of a new game show tonight called, "you deserve it."  contestants go on to win money not for themselves but for someone who they think needs the cash.  tonight the contestant was a woman whose best friend lost her husband prematurely in a diving accident 4 months ago and has been raising their 2 girls on her own.  it was such a sad story and her friend was often moved to tears while playing because it meant so much for her to be able to have the chance to give a gift that she knew would change her best friend's life.

in the end, she won over $110,000 and at the end presented her winnings to her friend via a televised surprise.  it was moving and emotional and i cried the entire time!

i'm so glad i caught this show.  i love seeing people doing thoughtful things for one another.  during this season of giving, who would you give to if you had the chance?

interlude

my husband needed to change out his flat tire this afternoon so i agreed to accompany him to walmart since we needed to do some shopping anyway.  we dropped off his car and were told it would be an hour and a half tops, so we leisurely shopped and then waited outside until the car would be ready.  we chatted freely, bringing up different subjects, discussing random topics.  since neither of us had remembered our phones, we had no concept of time, but we gradually realized that it was taking longer than expected.

at some point, one of the technicians walked by and we overheard the current time, realizing that we had been waiting for nearly 3 hours.  since evening had set in and the air had grown cooler, we moved inside to wait.  and wait.  and wait.  and we weren't the only ones waiting.  the girl in front of us had brought her car in for a new battery and her tires had been changed out instead.  (we suspected her work order had been swapped with ours accidentally).  she waited an additional 45 minutes to check out, so we knew what we were in for when it would be our turn.  while we were waiting, my husband and i started cracking jokes about our situation, laughing it off like we always do in frustrating situations where there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

after another 30 minutes passed, i decided to walk myself over to customer service to speak to the manager.  we were given a discount, but check-out still took 45 minutes (like expected, i guess), so all in all we had waited for over 4 hours.  an entire afternoon to wait for tires to be changed!  luckily, every time i was about to give someone a piece of my mind, my husband would calm me down by trying to get me to smile, and i would attempt to do the same for him whenever it was his turn to almost lose it.

so would i recommend walmart's tire and lube express?  no.  but would i recommend finding someone to laugh with when you're stuck in annoying situations?  always.

home, home on the brain

i had lunch today with 2 of my girlfriends who i used to work with at my previous employer, one who recently left and the other who is still there.  we hadn't been able to get together as a group for awhile so had alot to catch up on about our respective jobs and mutual friends.  both of them know my husband (since he used to work at the same company too), so it was easy to bring him up in conversation without him even being there.

afterwards, one of them really wanted to see breaking dawn, so i agreed to an impromptu movie date to see it for a third time.  i called my husband on the way to the theater to inform him of the change in plans, feeling a bit sheepish about spending more time away from him to see the silly movie again.

later, i drove over to my in-laws' house, so by the time i headed home it was dark.  the roads in that area are narrow and dim since shoulders and streetlamps are scarce.  i hardly ever make the drive from my in-laws' to home by myself, so i thought of my husband the entire time.  i remembered our first date, when i drove to his parents' for the first time, telling him how dark and almost scary it was compared to what i had been used to in NJ.  then i remembered the one time a few years ago when i had agreed to meet him at his parents' house later on my own and had gotten terribly lost, having to pull over at a shady bar off the main road to call him.  the more i thought of my husband, the more i missed him.  i realized my frustration at jenny (my GPS) for directing me to weave through several country back roads was more about wanting to get home instead of not having any idea where i was.

but finally, i did make it home, home to hubbie.  even though i had been away for much of the day, he had still been with me, always on my mind.

can you hear me now?

my ESP has gone into overdrive lately, especially within the past week.  i would think about something or someone, and then i'd get a message or phonecall from that someone about the something that had crossed my mind.  it was amazing!  and then today, i e-mailed my husband at the exact same time he e-mailed me, about the exact same thing.  it was totally weird and cool at the same time.

sometimes i really do think that it's possible to form connections with people so strong that they surpass distance and time and words spoken aloud.  sometimes a person does not need to say anything at all to pass a message along and know that it's being heard.

before dawn

tonight i'm going to the midnight showing of breaking dawn - part 1 with the tripod!  then i'm seeing the movie again with my twilight club from work tomorrow.  it's going to be a fun 24 hours with good company, pre- and post-movie discussions, and lots of giggles.  i'm sure of this because the entire twilight franchise is one huge cheeseball, but i don't care.  the days leading up to this night have been filled with merciless teasing which has only progressively gotten worse because i simply can not contain my excitement.  i finished the series almost 3 years ago, so today has been a long time coming.  i would rank breaking dawn as my least favorite of the books (since it felt like the semi-belieavable story quickly went off the deep end), but again, i don't care.  and i don't think any of us "twihards" do.

well, so much for trying to sneak a nap in.  off to the movie!

coded

my husband and i speak in code.  we send short messages to each other throughout the day, usually through a few words or sentences.  we can have a full IM conversation using 4 words each.  in person, there are times when hubbie will start talking about something without prefacing it, but i won't miss a beat.  this surprises him sometimes -- he'll even ask, "how did you know what i was referring to?" -- but it's not too hard to follow when i just get him.  his language. 

our language.

two cents

when i was in my early 20s, i lived with a friend of mine for a few years.  she was younger than me by 3-4 years, and although we were in different stages of our lives, i constantly went to her for advice.  i don't know if it was because of convenience since she was next door, or that she was a psych major and seemed to possess a general understanding of people and relationships, or simply because i trusted her.  no matter what the reason, i'd often vent to her for hours into the night, relying on her input for sensible solutions.  most of the time, i think i just needed to talk it out.  she was a good listener and only offered suggestions if i asked.

i think i've always been able to listen, but it was only after i had shared these conversations with my old roommate that i truly appreciated how important listening can be, especially when it comes to dishing out advice.  the 2 actions go hand in hand, and you can't do one well without the other.  it may be a reason why people now come to me, asking for my opinion or instruction or merely to act as a sounding board.  they know that i'll sit back quietly to take in their words before formulating a plan.

so in essence, i've come to believe that in order to lend a hand, you must first lend an ear.

liability

i think it takes a big person to admit fault or even to look back and say they could have done differently or better.  i think it takes an even bigger person to swallow failure or disappointment but to find a way to redemption and to refocus on the possibility of success.

i say 'big' because in a world with limited to pretty much zero accountability, this is HUGE.  and that's admirable.

fender bender

what is it about car accidents that makes everything seem to move in slow motion?  it's like you can clearly see what is happening, but am powerless to stop it.  it's almost like an outer body experience... it takes a moment to realize the screaming you hear is your own voice, or the impact you felt was on your car, or the scene you were watching unfold was reality.

it may only span a few seconds, but the moment hangs in the air, untouched.  then reality cuts through it like a knife.

surprisingly, this time in the aftermath, i went through the motions as if i had expected it.  as if i had been prepared somehow.  there was no way i could know, but in a way, i did.  i'd felt something looming all day (yesterday, that is)... and once it happened, i thought, oh, so this is what was supposed to happen.

weird.

wolfing around

a friend of mine regularly visits a wolf rescue in NJ called howling woods farm so i decided to tag along this time (with my sister in tow) to check it out.  i have to admit that i was a teeny bit anxious about playing with the wolves, but within the first few minutes we were there my fear had completely dissipated.

we were first excitedly greeted at the fence by 2 of the adoptables that were itching to play with us.  once inside the pen, we met the wolves and wolfdogs that live on the property.  we quickly witnessed how the animals socialized with each other -- the alpha definitely made it known to the rest of the pack that he was alpha (especially when the largest wolf came around who was even bigger than him!).  we learned that the wolves had to warm up to us in a way because we had to appear non-threatening, so we'd just wait patiently until they approached us (not too different from my cats, because when i ignore them it seems like that's when they most want my attention).  we also noticed each of their personalities -- one was especially mischievious and liked to "steal" things, in this case, a child's hat; one of them was extremely sociable and craved attention by jumping up on the elevated structures (which again reminded me of my girl cat), so i was instantly drawn to him.  most permitted and enjoyed head scratches and belly rubs.  they were docile and generally sweet.  the only instance i felt a slight shock was when one of the employees had been feeding a couple of the wolves to get them to pose for pictures, so i had lifted my hand to ask to be next, and one of the wolves thought i had food, so i felt my hand go through his mouth.  the only way i can describe it is that it felt like when my girl cat nips at me, but doesn't bite.  stunned, i stared at my hand, and once thankful it was intact and hadn't even been grazed, i started laughing.  i really think that none of these wolves would attack unprovoked.  we were told that there has never been a documented case of a healthy wolf attacking and killing a human in north america.  after my visit, i believe this to be true.

i also learned that this facility operates as a rescue as opposed to a sanctuary because the mission is to obtain and place adoptable wolfdogs, some of which are pictured below.

i'd really like to visit again someday!  it was such a neat experience.

adoptables sampson (yes, he has a blue eye and a brown eye!) and sierra?

stealing a hat..

kotori, my favorite!

bella, an adoptable, part german shepherd

samson, a big bear!

make a wish

it's 11:11 on 11/11/11!  can it get any cooler than that?  happens once a century.

i'm not sure when or how it started, but if i happen to glance at the clock at 11:11, i'll make a wish.  i tried to search for the meaning behind this practice, but didn't come up with anything really substantial online.  it seems the origin is unclear, but there is much speculation and interest about it.  coincidence?  hidden significance?  no matter what the reason, people just continue to do it.

so.. make a wish!

say it ain't so, joe

i normally prefer to stay mum when it comes to largely-publicized news, but once in awhile a story comes along that changes that.  the story this time first permeated the local media, which almost instantly hit national news, discussed and dissected by pretty much anyone who reads a newspaper or listens to the radio or watches TV or goes online or stays current with what's going on.  it's really impossible not to have heard something about it because it's been circulated everywhere.

first of all, i believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, which is why i generally keep my thoughts to myself about things like this (since i don't want to push my views on anybody).  and secondly, as someone who does not know all the facts or every detail of what happened, the following conclusions are just my thoughts outloud about the events of the past week.  so here goes...

the most recent story that pushed me over the edge was the rioting at penn state last night over the firing of joe paterno.  in one of the pictures i saw of a bunch of students flipping over a news van, one of the kids was smiling(!) -- an open-mouthed, bared-teeth, ear-to-ear kind of grin.  i thought, what is so amusing about what he was doing?  or any of this, for that matter?

when the scandal first broke, it made me sick to my stomach.  i despise hearing about children being abused.  it's absolutely disgusting.  jerry sandusky is despicable.  that's all i'll allow myself to say about him.  as each day passed, it seemed like the heat was turned up on joe paterno, about what he knew and how he was involved.  yes, he alerted his superiors.  yes, he obeyed the law.  but what bothered me more was what he didn't do -- follow-up, alert the authorities, something! -- that sadly has now tarnished his illustrious, 46-year career at the university.

i didn't go to penn state.  i don't know what it's like to have a legendary football coach at my school (i went to temple, where football wasn't one of its strong suits).  and i don't know how it feels to watch his legacy torn apart.  but this is much more than that.  turning a blind eye to allegations of sexual assault on a child is basically walking away from your moral obligation as an adult.  as a person.  it's washing your hands of the problem, allowing it to continue for another decade.  it's not exactly the same as performing the lurid acts yourself, but it might as well have been, by doing nothing.

like my husband said, no matter how much good he did during his career, he doesn't get a pass now.  it's not like it balances out.  these horrible things still happened and he had the choice and chance to stop them.

i guess it all comes down to this: would you just sit by and knowingly let it happen?

me?  heck no.

the worst part out of all of this is that innocent children were being "allegedly" raped, coerced, abused, victimized... it's terrible and awful and abhorrent.  so enough about joe and jerry and football and penn state and the scandal that's "rocked the nation."  i'm thinking of those children and their families today.

favorable

what is a favor if something is expected in return?  this is what i asked myself today.

i decided that no matter what the reasons are for not wanting to do something, they're superseded by the reasons we do -- because the people and purpose in our lives become the reasons we're willing to go the extra mile.

funny how i can have these teachable moments with myself in my head.

rank tank

i used to think i was a ridiculously good multitasker because i always have alot going on at one time.  i'll constantly have a number of projects i'm organizing, both at work and at home.  it is not uncommon for me to receive phonecalls and/or visits during a department meeting i'm leading.  or to be interrupted in the middle of something to answer a question.  but what i've realized is i'm not exactly multitasking -- as in doing a gazillion things at once -- i am simply shifting my focus from one thing to another as quickly as i can.  it's more like prioritizing.  (but i guess you would never say, "i'm an excellent prioritizer").  and yes, over the course of a short period of time, i can check items off my to-do list, but that is because i've broken down an overwhelming, mountainous amount of work into smaller, more manageable pieces.  when i used to feel like i'd reached my limit, i'd take a moment to tell myself to breathe, and would jump back into the mess, digging myself out one thing at a time.

so over the years, i've learned to clear my mind and redirect my attention at the sound of a knock or buzz or voice.  the same goes for when i'm out of the office -- i'll be on my laptop with the TV on, but once my husband starts talking about his day, he suddenly becomes the one channel i'm tuned into. 

having this knowledge actually soothes me.  i'm not afraid to surround my life with things, pile up my plate with stuff.  i see hectic as good because it keeps me on my toes.  in fact, it keeps me more focused.  i'm sure this is why, pardon my french, when s*it hits the fan, i am flooded with a calmness that allows me to operate efficiently without completely losing it. 

this is an article i found about "multitasking" that is really interesting (albeit it's 3 years old): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95256794

isn't it so amazing to learn about the human condition?  after all, aren't we consistently just trying to understand ourselves?

carded

i love buying and giving cards.  i could stand in the card aisle for a half hour, picking out the perfect card that says exactly what i want to say.  at work, i'm the unofficial card picker-upper for birthdays and other events.  i enjoy mailing cards to friends across the country or even closeby, not only for holidays but sometimes just because.

i also like receiving cards.  i have boxes of old cards stored throughout the house because i can't throw them away.  i wouldn't be surprised if i managed to keep every card given to me, ever.  there's just something about being on the receiving end of a quick note or a heartfelt one that brings a smile to my face.  i guess this is the reason why i like spreading the cheer to others too.

recently, i met my card-giver match.  my coworker will give me a card for pretty much anything.  to thank me for doing my job.  to thank me for something she would have done for me.  to thank me for every day things i don't expect to be thanked for.  i almost feel spoiled for the cards.. but every one of them is a sweet gesture, a kind reminder of being thought of and appreciated and noted.

the power of me

have you ever wondered what would have happened if, at a crossroads, you had chosen differently?  i have, and i think it's natural to do this.  i am talking about this in the purest form possible; i don't mean it in a regretful sort of way, like wishing for a different path and outcome or something else entirely... i am talking about hypothesizing a 'what if' scenario just to have something to ponder.  the feelings about the possible change in destiny are unattached during these ruminations; it is more like having a passing thought jumping around in my brain.  just an, i wonder...

as i've grown older and busier and had to make decisions about nearly every aspect of my life, these thoughts do not come up as often.  there simply isn't time to entertain such things like i did as a teen, since i now know the difference between reality and fantasy.  but my subconscious, it seems, isn't hesitant to indulge in matters of reflection.

last night i dreamt about a person in my past, very jennifer weiner-like in one of my favorite short stories of hers in the guy not taken.  the scene was real and the plot was belieavable, nearly expected.  i saw myself and my life unraveling, only to be awoken by daylight and the keen sense that i had just survived a nightmare.  it was a glimpse into the life i could have had.. that is, if i'd been a doormat and had remained unchanged since 8 long years ago.  but the key point is, i'm not the same, and also something else: my steps are variable because i play a vital role in my plan.  so the dream was just that -- a dream, completely fabricated in my mind, formulated by past experience, unaware of the power of me.

bound

i've been on a reading binge.  i recently picked up an inordinate number of books from the borders liquidation, book sale at work, and by finally using up a birthday gift card to barnes & noble.  the stacks upon stacks of books have been piled in our bedroom, tempting me.

so after finishing fly away home by jennifer weiner, i decided to read the best of me by nicholas sparks.  i pretty much knew where the story was headed early on, but i guess i clung to hope that there would be an option for another conclusion, different from the one i was dreading.  but there was no choice, was there?  in true nicholas sparks fashion, and without giving too much away, he managed to break my heart... again.

which put me in the mood for a pick-me-up, much like when you're done watching a serious or scary movie and crave for a light-hearted one to follow so that you'll be able to sleep that night.  and so, i started sundays at tiffany's by james patterson and gabrielle charbonnet, clinging to the easy, happy-go-lucky prose.  before i knew it, i had breezed through 201 pages in one sitting.  i would have finished it, but my eyes had grown heavy, so the rest would have to wait until this morning.  the book had done its job; my heart was put back together again (even after shedding a tear) and i was floating again.

and now i have lisa genova's still alice in front of me.  i know what i'm in for, but i'm pretty sure this one will be unforgettable.  a story of a woman's life-changing diagnosis of early-onset alzheimer's... how could it not be?  i just realized how ironic unforgettable now sounds.

these books pull me into different worlds, different times, different emotions; i bond with the characters, feeling for them, rooting for them.. and sometimes, the best ones, stay with me long after i've shut the covers which normally bind and lock them between the pages.

duty calls

there are a number of things that i do in my position that don't quite fall under my job description.  i guess you could say this about pretty much any job, but i won't speculate whether that is true or not.

occasionally, i come across interesting situations that throw me outside of my comfort zone, that place me in uncomfortable or unexpected positions, that force me to come up with quick, on-the-spot solutions.  as someone who likes to think through decisions, weigh all my options, prepare, prepare, prepare, you can see why these.. "incidents" make me weary.

without going into details, i'll just say that today fell under the "interesting" category.. and was probably the most interesting of them all.

starstruck

in june of 2008, my sister and i took a week-long trip to paris, just the 2 of us.  she lugged 3 books across the atlantic in her carry-on, none of which i'd heard before and all by emily giffin: something borrowed, something blue, and love the one you're with.  she told me i HAD to start reading the pink book (something borrowed), but i was in the middle of something else, so said i would start it as soon as i was done.

i don't think i started sobo until one of our first nights in paris after a long day of sight-seeing, and by the end of the first chapter, i was hooked.  i would read once we were back at the hotel each night on vacation (alongside my sister who was equally addicted, reading soblue and then moving on to love the one you're with).  one night i actually stayed up until dawn to finish while she had fallen asleep with the green book at her side.  yes, it was that hard to put down.  and the second i finished sobo, i jumped into soblue.  i devoured it on our plane ride home.

right after our trip, i read love the one you're with, and have picked up all of giffin's novels to date, with baby proof as my favorite.  i think what i like about her books is that they are relationship-driven, which is my writing style, and she creates characters that are relatable and believable.  you could picture them walking down the street.  you could picture yourself being friends with them.  and the premise and themes of her books ask universal questions: is there a dealbreaker when it comes to love?  what happens when the one who got away comes back into your life?

fast forward to last week.  during my commute home, i noticed one of the digital billboards bearing emily giffin's name.  she's going to be here on november 3rd?  in my town?!  since i follow her on facebook, i knew she was currently in poland, so i googled it that night just to be sure.  apparently she would be the keynote speaker at a women's event in my area, talking about how she had made her writing dreams into reality.  i decided that i had to go and meet her and especially because i needed to hear what she had to say.

i was ridiculously excited all day, knowing i'd have the chance to meet emily tonight.  her speech was incredibly inspiring, and despite the hundreds of women there, it felt like an intimate conversation with a close girlfriend, the way she joked around and diverted to little stories from her personal life.  like the time her best friend, who was married with 3 kids, was in some kind of a funk, she wondered outloud what would have happened if she'd married her ex and moved to france to be with him.  later, when emily and her husband were in france, she convinced him to drive 2.5 hours west of paris to a tiny town with a "population of 42," finally confessing to him once they were there that she wanted to track down her best friend's "one who got away."  after emily's expert stalking (according to her, which even involved microfiche), they were able to find the ex's house.  she directed her husband to "point and shoot!" when she planned to knock on the door and ask for directions, feigning that they were lost.  both her bff's ex and his wife/lover had come to the door looking disheveled and emily's husband had done his job capturing it.  she called her best friend as soon as she was within cell phone range to tell her what she'd done, and had the pictures to prove it.  her best friend had started crying then, saying no one had ever done anything that nice for her before.

(it reminded me of my bff and the stories we tell each other, our musings, our discussions.  and i thought, i'd totally do something like that for her if i had the chance).

after her presentation, i went to the bathroom where emily happened to be, getting ready to go talk to the media.  i was so starstruck that it took me a few seconds to realize it was really her standing right next to me.  i didn't know what to say.  before i could decide what to do, she said hello and at least i had the good sense to manage a reply.

as we approached the book signing table, i became more and more nervous.  what the heck do i say to her?  would she take a picture with me?  i have never met an author before, especially one of my favorites.  my thoughts were racing and thankfully i had a friend there to calm me down.  for a writer (emily's definition of a 'writer' is anyone who writes or enjoys writing), meeting an author is equivalent to meeting your favorite actor/actress.  or your favorite musician.  or as my husband says, a favorite athlete or sports hero.

and then it was my turn and i was standing right in front of her.  i told her i loved all her books, baby proof being my favorite.  then i asked if something borrowed would be made into a movie, which she then asked if i meant something blue.  oops, of course that's what i meant!  i was just too excited, literally shaking, completely gushing.  and in the few minutes i had with her she seemed so... humble, and now i love her even more.  she even posed for a picture with me!

i was so elated afterwards that i hardly remembered the drive home, and once i was in the house i couldn't stop smiling, feeling charged.

so thanks emily, for sharing your stories with us and being a true inspiration.  and special thanks to my sister who introduced me to her writing in the first place!

happy four

"A Verse For My Beloved"

On the second of November

A man who was my friend

Gave me a ring and promised

He'd love me 'til the end

On the second of November

We met at the river's edge

In front of friends and family

It was there we made our pledge

On the second of November

You took my hand to say:

"You're the only one I'll ever want --

And this will be our day."

On the second of November

I wore my something blue

We danced amidst a happy crowd

And I only had eyes for you

On this second of November

Four years have come and gone

But of one thing I'm still certain --
I'm right where I belong.

written 10/21/11 - 8:32 p.m.; edited 11/4/11.

happy anniversary to my dear husband, my one and only.

intuition

i noticed several flocks of geese littering the sky in the familiar V-formation this evening.  my first thought was, is it that time already?  and my second was to remember my childhood fascination with the wonders of bird migration.  i would think, how do they just.. know when it's time to go?  or where they're going?  or to even go at all?  my teacher told me it was all instinctual from the changes in the season, and the whole idea seemed mystical to me.

when i think about it, it is pretty incredible that we witness these natural patterns taking place around us like clockwork.  the leaves will change to brilliant colors, the crispness in the air will return, and some birds will fly to warmer climates.  seasons come and go, but innately they stay the same; the timing, the structure, the organization, the subtle mysteries of the earth that will always remain subtle mysteries.

sometimes i wonder if you could say this about people too.  our circumstances and surroundings could change, but are we essentially the same as we were when we were little, enchanted by notions that birds knew where to go when it turned cold?  if we stripped away all the layers, would we recognize ourselves at the core?

nature, at least, has taught me 2 things: trust my instincts and stay true to oneself.