happy endings

dear glo-isms reader,

well, my year of daily devotions is quickly coming to a close. it's hard for me to put into words the feeling of this particular moment -- content, appreciative, gratified. i suppose these are normal feelings when facing a new year, but this one is special because i set out to chronicle my every day and ended up with so much more.

for one thing, i discovered that even though i love to write, it's not always easy to write. but when the words finally did come (since they had to in order to fulfill my goal), i'd often surprise myself. i could start out in one place and end up with something else entirely, allowing my fingers to find the way.

each day started out as a blank screen and by every night i would have filled it, somehow. on good days, i could relay my activities in detail; during harder ones, i could simply wipe them clean, start fresh. sometimes my thoughts turned to memories of my childhood, like telling a story. other times my writing turned out like a journal entry. with every post, i gained insight not only into myself and the way i live, but my outlook on my life and what i see. because, really, although this is a conclusion in a way, it's also just the very beginning. 

how does that lyric go? 

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." --semisonic, closing time

thank you for sharing this journey with me, and especially to my husband who lost many a night's sleep throughout this process.

cheers to this beginning's end, and always, to new beginnings.

happy new year!

with love,
glo

on the list

as we approach the finish line of yet another year, the lists are surfacing: countdowns, top 10s, best (and worst) of, most [insert catchy adjective here] something, anything, to sum up 2011.

i've always believed that moments, big or small, are duly important.. that the bigger ones shouldn't outweigh the in-betweenies, that they should be cherished and treasured alike.  so it's a bit uncharacteristic of me to jump on the bandwagon and come up with a list of my own... but in the spirit of the holidays, i thought, what would be on my list, if i had one?

so here it is, folks: glo's 5 most memorable moments in 2011

(why 5?  because if i didn't narrow them down i would end up picking them all.  and i just want to note that although i'm using numbers here, they are merely in consecutive order since it's impossible for me to rank the ones i've picked when they're all equally memorable!)

1) my 30th birthday
despite my dread for this milestone birthday, hubbie managed not only to surprise me once with lunch at my favorite restaurant, but twice, with a house full of family and friends.  and to top that all off, he whisked me off to mexico the very next day for a week of sun and surf.  so it turned out to be the best birthday EVER.  am i the luckiest girl in the world or what?

2) easter in the outer banks
this was my favorite tripod trip to date.  a house to ourselves, with the beach as our backyard.. riding our bikes to our dock to watch the sunsets.. having fun in the kitchen (eggs benedict!) and family room (true blood marathons).. what more could we ask for?  i never felt more relaxed and happy to spend some quality time with 2 of my absolute favorite girls.

3) couch-to-5K training
for those that may not know, i ran track from middle through high school.  even though i practiced occasionally with the distance runners, i was a sprinter at heart.  so when my husband approached me with his goal to run a 5K, i was hesitant.  would my legs ever carry me that far?  it took me all summer and 2 back injuries to find out my answer: a resounding yes.

4) an old friend's wedding

ah, the power of facebook to reunite old friends.  a year ago i wouldn't have thought it was possible: first, that i'd find an old best friend; second, that she'd graciously invite me to her wedding; and third, that i would actually attend.  it was a reunion 15 years in the making, surreal and sobering all at once.

5) meeting an author

i haven't met many "famous" people in my life.  there was a brief encounter in college with flava flav on south street, being trailed by carrot top in vegas, instances with an iron chef (without even knowing it) and the city mayor during restaurant weeks.  but meeting one of my favorite writers was by far the best.  hearing her journey depicted through her own words was incredibly inspiring.  i was starstruck!

there were so many other moments that closely followed this list: my sister's wedding, the youngest's graduation, holidays, mini-vacations... but these were the ones that stood out to me, that made my 2011 a year of reflection and renewal.

close out

my back is on the mend, so i've been more attentive to bending over the "right" way in order to avoid aggravating it again.  it seems i'll be more observant and guarded once something like this happens or shortly thereafter (like being in a car accident), and then it's forgotten about until it happens again.  why is that?  maybe my new years' resolution should be to take care of myself all the time.

anyway, in other news, people have been scarce in the office.  i've always worked around the holidays since i'm out and about throughout the year (use it or lose it!) and i honestly don't mind covering.  in the moment, i'll be alittle jealous of those who have time off, but it's the best time to get things done.  i combat the quiet by plugging in my earphones and plugging away: tying up loose ends and getting to all those things that ended up falling on the back burner.  it seems natural to finish up as much as i can before the close of the year.

i know the feeling is mutual because this time of year is also when i tend to receive the most calls for requests.  at least it keeps my days nice and full.

which means, i should get to bed.

storytime

i like catching the news this time of year because the most heartwarming stories come out about unexpected (and generous) donations, people helping each other out, and overall goodwill.  this holiday season i heard a number of stories about anonymous donors paying off store layaways.  it's incredible to hear these stories one after the other, each and every year.

a friend posted this article today about a sister who served as a surrogate to help her sister and brother-in-law have a child.  i cried, literally, like a baby throughout the entire article.  it was touching because it was so.. real, and real because it was so touching.

some stories are just meant to be shared.

twinge

i hurt my back again yesterday.  doing what, you ask?  picking up wrapping paper.  yes, wrapping paper, which weighs about... nothing.

it wasn't so much about how heavy the items were (obviously), but how i went to pick them up.  in my frenzied state to get all the gifts wrapped and to be ready and out the door on time for my family's gathering, i tossed that whole "bend with your knees, not your back" stuff out the window.

and now i'm paying for it.

hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

i knew the second after it happened -- i was straightening myself out when i realized i had come up at an awkward angle.  great, i thought.  initially, the pain wasn't as piercing as the times before, but with all the activity from yesterday and a short night's sleep, i woke up with the same stiffness in the same area (probably the same muscle) that i've come to recognize as a nuisance which will cost me a week to recover from completely.

you'd think that someone who's on the safety committee at work and who has contributed to the topics of ergonomics and proper lifting techniques would know better.  we even devoted a month this year to practicing back exercises to strengthen the muscles in the back in order to avoid injury!  someone should have been taking her own advice.  can you guess who??

i sure can.

on the third day of christmas

we celebrated with my family today at my sister's house for the first time.  we started out with a viet/thai lunch at a nearby restaurant:

then went back to her place to exchange gifts:

my dad looking at his photobook gift.

enjoyed a delightful dinner:

with dessert served 3 ways (and i tried them all, of course).

so with a full, happy belly, i ended the night with some kitty time.

christmas wish

merry christmas, from our home to yours.

feast of the... 11? fishes

we spent christmas eve at my in-laws' house as usual, enjoying the "feast of the 7 fishes" (take 2) that turned out to be more like 11.  pretty typical of a meal at their place.  last year, we had made it to probably "fish" #5 before we had given up, but this time i had a taste of everything.

"appetizers".. pickled herring, octopus salad, sardines, smoked oysters, cocktail shrimp..

fried oyster.. YUM.

mussels in white wine!

mushrooms topped w/.. imitation crabmeat?  actually it was whitefish made to look like crabmeat.
this was absolutely delicious.

i forget the name of the last 2, but they were good, of course.
one was prepared as a franchaise and the other in a hoison sauce.

then we watched the giants game together and celebrated their win.  yay!  it's alot of fun to watch it together since my husband's family have been long-time giants fans.

i love these little guys!

afterwards, it was time to open presents, followed by more... food?  dessert was served!

my FIL's fruit arrangement.

and my MIL's cookie arrangement!

so now you can see why i pretty much had to roll out of the house.  and to all a good night!

twin reunion

i was filling out my timecard at the end of the day, a routine, mechanical task, when my brain finally kicked in:

hmm.  think that was a sure sign it was about time to go home?

i didn't head home though.  i drove about an hour and 45 minutes to drop by my twin's sister's surprise bridal shower.  i wasn't going to miss a chance to give my congratulations, and especially to see my twin who's only home for a few days, all the way from california.

hooray for the holidays, for bringing people together.

sunny disposition

today i ran out to pick up lunch for the team and was surprised to see the sun out and shining.  it felt unseasonably mild; according to my car's outside temperature gauge it was 60 degrees (it went down 2 degrees once i started driving).  but it was a beautiful day, and i was glad to be able to slip out of the office for 15-20 minutes.

there's a pizza place we consistently order from because we've always been happy with the food and service.  it's also a family-owned business that we all like to support.  i'd never actually been inside the place since we usually get delivery, but i had the chance today to check it out when i picked up our pies.

the lady who greeted me was warm and amiable, chatting with me like we were old friends.  i paid her while we were talking, and it wasn't until she had gone back to retrieve our food that i realized i had miscalculated.  "did i give you enough change?" i asked.  she replied that i had been 2 cents short but she wasn't going to say anything.  i paid her, of course, apologizing.  maybe other places wouldn't have mentioned the discrepancy either, but i like to believe it was a unique situation.  it keeps me going there.

i'm not sure why this particular exchange out of a long, busy day was so memorable.. but it was.  perhaps it had been what appeared to be the woman's sunny disposition and genuine smile.  i had only been inside the shop for maybe 5 minutes, tops, but i left with a brightness that matched the sky above.

snail mail

either the first or second year we were in our house, we started receiving christmas cards.  we enjoyed retrieving the mail and opening every single one, wondering whose list we had made it on, adorning our TV room with the season's greetings, and all because we had our very own address.  i started collecting the envelopes to reciprocate the holiday wishes, and before i knew it, the tradition had begun.

if i get started early enough, i'll send cards all over the country, hoping to spread some holiday cheer.  but usually, the bulk of my list consists of family and close friends.  i've found that the overall list can change, expanding and contracting, based on who my husband and i surround ourselves with during the year.  it's interesting to see who end up sending us cards and whether the card-giving matches up.  we've even come to expect who we'll be receiving from and the pictures and notes we'll find enclosed.

during busier years, like this one, i nearly talk myself out of sending a single card.  but in the end, i always find a way to get them out... not for the sake of tradition, but for what i hope the cards bring: alittle bit of happiness to the people who open them.

bargain bonding

i like finding and giving small gifts. don't get me wrong, it's an awesome feeling to pinpoint the perfect "big" gift, but i feel smaller gifts have more personality. in order to find the perfect small gift, i feel like you need to know the person well, to find something unique which caters to their interests. it could be anything from a CD of their favorite band or DVD of their current top show to an accessory for something they already own. it could be a photobook or personalized mug or coupons for an activity you know they'd enjoy. if i had a choice between giving just one pricey gift or several inexpensive ones (and despite my hatred for shopping during this time of year), i'd (still) choose the latter. i think it's possible to give alot without spending alot, and learning to do it succesfully is what intrigues me.

instant smile

i love little, unexpected messages.  my husband is great at sending them.  even though we've been married for 4 years, i am still surprised when i receive one, and my heart still flutters when i read it.  each word provides alittle warmth, and i'll already be smiling before i've finished the sentence.  it's his way of showing me he cares, despite us giving each other a kiss and saying, "love you" before we go to sleep each night or wishing each other a great day before we're off to work every morning.  the messages come in note, text, or electronic form and could be anything from a simple thought that he wanted to share or a joke or funny article he knew i would enjoy.  we could be having our respective days away from each other, but those precious moments become ours (thanks taylor!).  he knows exactly how to pull me close without having to be next to me.

all shopped out

although i try to do the bulk of my holiday shopping online, there are usually some items i still have to go to the store for.  and combating the crowds and lines and let's face it -- hysteria -- is not how i'd choose to spend my sunday, but what choice did i really have?

five hours and 5 stores later, i realized a couple things: 1) most stores carry the same exact gift items that are relatively priced the same (but can be wrapped differently which appear to cause the prices to vary), and 2) it is possible to be sick of shopping.  the only thing that kept me going was my mission to finish up my list, but i still couldn't find one last thing.  feeling dejected (not to mention tired and hungry), i resigned to try again on another day.

i seriously can't wait to retire my credit card for the season.

in other news, we got our tree today!  (a week before christmas is progress, considering last year we picked ours up on december 23rd and decorated on christmas day).

it fits!

festive air

tonight was my husband's family's annual holiday party at his aunt's house in NJ.  it was a good time to catch up with relatives we pretty much only see around this time of year and to chat with my own parents who were invited as well.  we enjoyed an abundance of food and hugs and noise and spills.. and even some surprises.  one of them was the first chocolate-covered pineapple i ever had, and my immediate thought afterwards was, why haven't i had this before?

my husband and i chattered the entire drive home (just under 2 hours), and once we got into town we realized it had snowed alittle in our area while we were gone.  it was just a dusting, but all the twinkling houses and shops and lawns looked so festive topped with a bit of white.  we're only a week away!

subterranean

just yesterday, i was musing about holding onto your childhood which, in a way, bled into today.  we watched super 8 tonight, a sci-fi thriller shown from the perspective of kids.  i really enjoyed that aspect of the movie.  it had a classic feel that mashed together E.T. and the goonies (both steven spielberg flicks) and had elements of lost, so i wasn't too surprised to see j.j. abrams's name in the credits.  what did surprise me was the underlying story behind the action, a very real and heartfelt portrayal of loss, healing, forgiveness, and letting go.  there may even be some symbolism in the fact that the "creature" was subterranean -- underground, hidden, just waiting to emerge.  i felt this paralleled how the main characters had been affected by their tragedy and how they were forced to face it.  i didn't expect the movie to scratch below the surface like that and provide depth and emotion, but it was a welcome surprise.  two thumbs up!

naptime

when i was in my early 20s, i used to be able to stay up until all hours of the night and get to my classes first thing in the morning. now that i'm in my 30s (ugh, just saying that still makes me cringe), those days are long gone. i feel like i can hardly function without sleep.

all this week i've been staying up late to finish the photobook project that i've been working since last year (obviously not continuously because it wouldn't have taken this long if i had). my deadline was today since that was when the coupon expired, and in typical glo fashion, i waited until sunday to devote some solid time to it. and when i didn't finish sunday, i knew i had set myself up for a sleepless week.

starting monday, i probably put in an average of 3 hours a night on the project after work and dinner, which means i was staying up until about 1 a.m. for the past 3 nights. the exhaustion really hit me today, which suddenly made me feel very old. it was weird to accept that my body has aged just in the last 10 years and there's a noticeable difference. it's almost alittle bit sad.

i was always in such a rush to grow up, being a serious child, carrying the weight of my firstborn "duties" on my shoulders.. but these days what i seem to want is to slow it all down. that would be the best advice i could give a child, if asked today: be young, be stupid, enjoy your youth. you'll only have it once.

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter
Than the sun
-- fun.

song savior

i was in the mood for some taylor swift today so broke out her holiday collection.  there's a song on the album that i especially like called, "christmas must be something more."  it was the perfect song for how i've been feeling lately about the materialistic side of the holidays... christmas really is something more!

i love when a song really hits the spot.

steal or no steal

our department holiday luncheon was today and we did a white elephant gift exchange.  we decided on bringing in stuff from home, which was perfect, because i have an entire box labeled "gifts" that have accumulated over the years.  i don't particularly like to regift (and honestly, who would want the junk i have)?

but one man's trash is another man's treasure, right?  i wasn't sure about the gifts i brought in, but to my own surprise, someone specifically stole them over opening a new gift.  i couldn't believe it.

i was the last to go so had the chance to "steal" any of the gifts that had already been opened.  there were a couple items i could have made use of and i was especially eyeing up a baking dish that had been unwrapped the turn before mine.  but i decided to forego any stealing, to which there were remarks about me being nice.. perhaps, but i didn't care too much about what i'd get.  lately, will all this hype leading up to christmas and fighting the crowds and being on the hunt for the perfect gift.. well, i'm not really feeling it.  i think that's a good thing, though.  i think what it means is i have everything i could possibly want.

santa claus is coming to town

after i got home from work, i went upstairs to change and wash my face.  then i heard it: the sirens.  i turned off the faucet to make sure.  they were blasting loud and clear, and were close.  so i went downstairs where my husband, of course, was ridiculously animated.

we saw the fire truck blaze past the street behind us, so knew they would be coming by soon.  so we waited, me on the stairs while hubbie peeked out through the open door, the cold air seeping into the house.

and then.. he was here!

wave!

okay, so i'll admit it.. i kind of look forward to this too.

working sunday

sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but i worked on a photobook project for much of the day, starting around noon and ending about now.  i can't say that i had spent an entire 12 hours straight on the computer since i took breaks to download music, update my status on facebook, throw stuff in the dryer, whip up dinner, wash dishes, christmas shop, check my fantasy football ranking.. but i'd say i still got in a good 9 hours.  that's like a regular work day!

the overall layout is done, but i still feel like i have so much to do.  it doesn't help that i'm a perfectionist.. selecting the best photos that fit the theme of the page, centering each picture just so, obsessing over the colors of the backgrounds or the styles and sizes of the fonts.  it's the formatting that takes the longest because i'll be hung up on every little detail.  but it's the details that make this kind of thing so special, right?

that's what i keep telling myself, anyway.

shop til we drop

one of my girlfriends is a great holiday shopping buddy.  we've been christmas shopping together for at least the past 3 years.  we're drawn to the same stores and naturally take the same amount of time in each of them to browse and make our purchases.  she's also very good about offering her honest opinion if i'm stuck between 2 things, which is exactly what i need.  it's hard when someone tells me that either one is a good choice or that it's up to me because i hate making those types of decisions.  and isn't that why i'm asking for a second opinion in the first place?

i've known my friend for 11-some years now. i met her when she was probably only 14, and now she's 25. i'm somewhat surprised that we've kept in touch over the years but am glad that we have.

it's funny, we don't see alot of each other throughout the year but always make a date when november or december roll around.  it just makes sense for us to go as a pair since it always works out so well, and of course, because we always have a great time.

so today i'm thankful for awesome shopping partners!

refresh

just when i start to think i have it bad, i'll run into someone who has it far worse.

and then, as if on cue, i'm reminded of how much i'm blessed, and then my hardships become much easier to bear.

it's also soothing to know that i'm never alone.

hi tech

after a full-day seminar (with way too much delicious food, but hey, i'm not complaining), it was nice to go back to my bff's house and hang out with a 3 (well, almost 4)-year-old, my bff's niece.  she was playing with my phone and started pressing the screen before i told her that i didn't have that kind of phone.  so she asked me how to navigate through my photos and i only had to show her once before she caught on.  she even knew, without me telling her, that when she clicked on a picture that it would make it bigger.

my sister and i were just talking about how the next generation will be far more tech-savvy than we are.  we were growing up while the internet was invented, and these kids are growing up with an awareness of how to access and use the internet on mobile devices.  it's amazing to witness.  i couldn't get over how fast my bff's niece had picked up my instructions and how easily and comfortably she had followed them.

she even requested a few photos together:

i'm sure this little one will be teaching me a few things when she gets older.

analogous

i enjoy finding small, out-of-the-way eateries that are like a well-kept secrets. i especially like to witness the comfortable banter between regular customers and the staff. there are a couple places i frequent enough where the owners or waitresses will greet me warmly because they recognize my face. i appreciate these easy relationships because they are otherwise unexpected.

for some reason, i was reminded of this when i was at my doctor's appointment today. it was my first time to be scheduled at the new location, so i assumed i wouldn't see anyone i knew (except for my doctor, of course). turns out that i had the same nurses and techs i usually do, and in a way it felt reassuring. i realized that it's because i have relationships with these people and although their jobs are to help their patients, they do truly care and want to see us get better.

every time, i have to remind myself to put my trust in their hands... much like i need to put my faith in God's hands.

i'm just full of analogies today.

critical

like i've mentioned before, i'm uncomfortable being the center of attention.  it's a wonder that i ever performed at recitals and concerts and participated in competitions.  or shown up to do my presentations for school and even volunteered to go, just to get it over with.  there's probably nothing i dislike more than public speaking.  i mean, is there anything that screams "center of attention" more than getting up in front of a bunch of people where all eyes are on you and everyone is hanging onto your every word?

well, try getting up in front of 300+ people, the whole company, at the holiday breakfast.  with the entire leadership team and members of the board present.  try being handed the script the day before, after agreeing to do it with hardly any time to prepare or mull it over.  (which is probably better, anyway).

each year we're treated to a very nice holiday breakfast at work, complete with home-grown entertainment.  this year we had the second annual "hospys" (which sound like the espys but are more like the dundees).  it's basically a made-up/acted-out awards show that pokes fun at the employees.  i was asked to present the award for the "most awkward typo in a chart" which entailed a short intro, listing of the nominees, announcement of the winner, and presentation of the award.  i was so nervous that i spent last night and this morning going over my lines, committing them to memory (although the thought of memorizing everything frightened me because i was terrified of forgetting mid-sentence and not being able to find my place -- which meant, which was scarier: remembering or not remembering?).

i was crazy nervous through breakfast and increasingly jittery once the entertainment portion started.  when it was my turn, i stepped onto stage and delivered my lines.  i glanced at my script from time to time but ended up being grateful i had practiced it so much.  before i knew it, i was stepping off the stage and heading back to my seat.  it was probably only a few minutes tops, but i had been shaking.

afterwards, several coworkers made a point to tell me what a good job i did (since i didn't really tell anyone i was doing it).  hadn't they seen how nervous i was?  one of them even said i had looked calm.  really??  because inside i was so not calm.  i hear that alot about presentations i've done though, and wonder if i really do appear to have it together.  i do prepare like crazy for things like this, trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong.  and most times, i get through it okay but don't know how to feel about my performance afterwards.  i wouldn't really be able to tell unless i filmed myself to critique later.

maybe my coworkers were just being nice.. but perhaps my perception of myself is harsher than reality.  aren't we our own worst critics?

birthday best

today is my bff's birthday, and just when she thought i couldn't find any other way to wish her a happy birthday (besides texting, e-mailing, fb messaging, and calling), guess again!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

i've often asked myself what i'd do without my bff and find that it's something i never want to answer.  what would i do without someone who can make me laugh until my sides hurt?  what would i do without our regular e-mails or silly messages or inside jokes?  what would i do without a person who jots down lists of things she has to ask/tell me and saves them for the next time she sees me?  what would i do without a friend that sits outside for hours after a movie just to talk and make sure i'm okay?  what would i do without her constant support (sometimes which requires her naturally more outgoing self to push me forward) and faith in me?  what would i do without someone to cause a scene with when picking up the check?  what would i do without her honesty and humor and generosity and thoughtfulness?

see, it's impossible to imagine my life without her.  i'd be, simply, incomplete.

happy birthday not only to a great friend, but the BEST one a girl could have.  may we celebrate many more together and remember them all when we're very old and very grey.

decisions, decisions

these days, the selections are everywhere.  i'll find myself in the grocery store, staring at several varieties of mustard or crackers or salsa.  in the department store, i'll wonder if i want a shirt or a pair of shoes in black, brown, navy, tan, white... this even happens when i'm picking up toiletries.  i'll stand in the toothpaste aisle deciding between not only paste or gel, but whether or not i want mint stripes or flouride or foaming or tartar control or whitening, or all of the above.  at restaurants, i'll pour over the menus, suddenly hungry for everything.  the possibilities seem endless.

for my husband and i, facing too many choices is somewhat intimidating.  we'll stare at the items in question and then each other, hoping the other will decide.  this is why after 5 years in our house, we have maybe 4 things hung up on our walls, the rest that need to go up resting on the floor (of the rooms we want them in, since we were able to decide that at least).  but since we can't agree on placement, they just stay put on the ground, unhung.

my MIL took us toilet shopping today, since the one in our guest bathroom is in need of replacing.  (this task would also not have been done without her taking us -- she knows us well).  who knew there are $600 toilets?  or ones that are beige or round or with rectangular tanks?  what happened to a standard, white toilet?  my husband walked off, overwhelmed.. so i knew this decision would be on me.  after a few minutes, i walked to the front of the aisle and pointed to the lowe's brand toilet.  it also happened to be the cheapest one we saw, which was a bonus.  worked for me.

having options is nice, but i sort of miss those days when there was only one brand out there, and one brand only.

toast life

my bff's birthday is on monday, so my SIL and i (tripod!) took her out for some pre-birthday sushi and then decided to take a stroll down south street.  it was a bit chilly, but we braved the cold for an hour or so to walk off our feast of a meal and do some window shopping.  none of us had been down in that area for several years, and the consensus between us was that we had grown out of it.  south street had always been a lively, festive place to go in high school and college, but i suppose we are well past that now.  still, it wasn't a bad way to end the night.

my bff claimed her upcoming birthday isn't a milestone so we didn't have to go out of our way to celebrate.  i told her that every birthday should be special.. none of that "another year, another birthday" crap!  i feel that we should always find something to commemorate or get together for.  my mom taught me well.

and since i love finding things with my name on it, there should always be a place for some silly posing in my book, too.

sister love

i am truly blessed to have 2 wonderful, caring sisters.  i know i can count on them when i need them, even when we're miles apart.  they lift me up and keep me level.  i trust them wholeheartedly because they will always have my back, no questions asked.  i have often felt that both of them are wise beyond their years, able to pull me out of my funks with sound advice and understanding.

they can send me cute messages minutes apart from the other without knowing it, bringing my smile back by a simple picture (captions not needed).  they're able to do this because we're always connected, like one big, unbreakable triangle, reaching out and closing the distance between us.

excursions

it's december first, which means i've been blogging for 11 full months.  i'm not sure i knew what i was getting into when i set out to do this year-long journal, and i surely didn't know how it would turn out.  looking back, i'm pleased overall.

i have been struggling with something ongoing though. it has to do with the fine line between anonymity and having a voice. let me explain..

i wasn't sure of much at the time, but i did know that going into this would be a journey that was up to me to navigate. i learned early on that in order to make the whole experience worthwhile, i needed to be as honest as possible -- to myself and about what i chose to share. but i also realized that when you open yourself up, it comes with a vulnerability that is both liberating and frightening to embrace.

so i made a choice.

if you are a regular reader, you'll notice that i never use names -- i refer to my family members by who they are in relation to me ('husband', 'youngest sister'), have labels for my friends ('bff', 'twin'), and even use initials for my cats. i understood that this blog would be a sole venture but that my life is touched by a number of people, and to be fair to those people i felt the need to protect their identities.

but keeping this up has been difficult. how many ridiculous ways have i worded something to be as clear as possible without dropping a simple name? and i've often asked myself what the point of sharing is if i can't completely, fully come out and state what's on my mind. wasn't that the goal of all this? to grant myself some exposure, to extract myself from another nameless face? but how much could i put out there knowing that anybody could see it or find it or somehow use it against me? how many times did i rewrite a post with just the perfect touch of vagueness so i could express what i felt without saying it outright? and there's the super private stuff that will remain... private.

was it even possible to be real and candid without saying too much?

for the most part, i think it's attainable but not exactly feasible. but if someone asked me if it was worth it, despite all the hiccups, i'd say yes. yes, because i don't know if i would have appreciated this year in review as much if i had made it easy-peasy and been an open book.. you know, in that making-lemonade-out-of-lemons and seeing-the-rainbow-after-the rain kind of philosophy. in my opinion, the longest voyages need some off-beat adventures to light the way.

losers weepers

i've searched high and low for one of my old sketchpads (not included in the ones found during thanksgiving weekend) that housed illustrations of animated characters (like the traditional fairytale version of snow white and disney's pocahontas) and sketches of my family.  i've looked in every nook and crevice i can think of, my old bins and crates, boxes that still haven't been unpacked, drawers and closets.  i'm fairly positive that it's in the house, somewhere, because it wasn't at my parents'.  so it has to be somewhere.

i have a faint memory that i did bring it home specifically to show my husband, because i have an even fainter memory that we had conversed about art which led to the sketches i had done.  when i discovered he had never seen my work, i promised to bring home my sketchpad the next time i went to visit my parents.  so i'm pretty sure i followed through with that, except i have no idea where it is now.  or whether he had ever seen them.

and the harder i look, the harder it seems to be to find.

i probably placed it in a "special spot" for safekeeping, so special and so safe that not even i have a chance of finding it.

where, oh, where art thou sketchpad?

and i'm on the hunt again.

cat got your... alarm?

i concocted these coffee cookie sandwiches with pumpkin filling over the weekend that i've been nibbling between meals this week.  i made several batches, each batch with progressively more instant coffee because i didn't think they tasted coffee-ish enough.  the cookies are addicting, which should come at no surprise because of the caffeine in them, but what is surprising is the fact that i didn't think they were affecting me.  until i found myself up late for 2 nights in a row (and judging by the time on this post, the third will be closely following the others).

long story short, i was up all night which made getting up this morning even harder than usual.  i must have pressed the snooze button for an entire hour until i was woken up by the feeling of pressure on my arm and finally pried my eyes open to figure out the culprit.  it was my cat, B.  she had literally stepped onto me gently with her 2 front paws as if to shake me.  and then she'd made a very clear, very audible noise that wasn't quite a meow because it was firmer.  it said, "get up NOW."

who needs alarms when you have cats?

holiday spirit

i'm the type of person that doesn't like to acknowledge christmas until it's nearly upon us.  it seems like every year the push for the holidays and to buy, buy, buy starts earlier and earlier -- this year, stores were adorned with red-and-green decor before halloween had even come and gone!  meanwhile, i generally hold off until black friday to start my holiday shopping; i ban christmas music until december.

my husband, on the other hand, will belt out christmas songs in july.  he looks forward to it all year -- and i mean all year.  the weeks leading up to the big day are filled with boundless excitement, and when i look into his eyes i can almost seem them sparkling.  the child inside him clearly shines through.

so you can imagine what it's like in our house.  when he starts singing, i'll cover my ears.  when he's bouncing off the walls, i'm quietly checking off my lists.  like i've mentioned before, my husband and i react to situations very differently.  he prefers the build up to christmas, running full-speed, each day closer and closer to december 25th.  i'd rather savor every day as it comes, not pressing on or rushing towards a specific date.  time passes quickly enough, so why let the month of december turn into a blur?  the holidays are a chance for me to slow it down.

but things started changing last night.  right before i fell asleep, i heard sirens from a fire truck, turned to my husband and murmured, "santa should be coming by soon."  he asked the date was and after i told him, he remarked, "it's our 5-year anniversary in the house," to which i exclaimed, "happy house-a-versary!"  it was during our first winter in the house that we discovered the little town tradition of santa visiting the neighborhood atop a fire engine.  i can still see hubbie and B staring out the window together, trying to see what all the commotion was about.

then today, i downloaded a christmas album so i could listen to it at work.  before december.  i even found myself nearly humming along.  and i actually enjoyed seeing the christmas lights and displays in my development, including the outrageous ones with the gigantic blow up santas and snowmen.  and guess what i've been doing tonight?  browsing through old christmas albums.  what in the world has gotten into me?

it seems i've been bitten by the ol' christmas bug.

homecoming

there's something about thanksgiving weekend that always makes a person think about home and childhood and growing up and old friends. i think it's rare to experience (or should we call it 're-experience'?) it all in a long weekend, but somehow i did.

before i left my parents' house on friday, i was going through my old bookshelf when i discovered my artwork binder and sketchpads from junior high. they contained drawings, crafts (chinese paper cutting and origami), print-outs from my creations in MS paint, banners, and projects that ranged from 19th century fashion to my egg baby report in 8th grade. i also found a couple poems i had forgotten about writing regarding nature and war, as well as my packet from what looked like a church retreat and some old notes written to my best friend at the time. it was funny rediscovering the girl i was at that age and realizing that i was, and probably will always be, a special one. and there's not a darn thing wrong with that.

good company

we had dinner tonight with 2 other couples who we haven't seen in awhile.  a couple of years ago, we used to have a sort of dinner club but our schedules stopped coinciding so our dinner dates gradually stopped too.  but i'm glad we got them going again.

out of the group tonight, 5 out of the 6 of us had worked at the same company during the same time and all of us have left except for one.  so naturally the conversations led to the good ol' times at work and funny things that have happened over the years concerning our mutual friends.  it's nice after all this time (i've been gone 3.5 years myself), that we still have so much to laugh about.

one of my closest girlfriends constantly tells me that i changed her mind about "work friends" and "real friends."  she used to always think of coworkers as just coworkers and nothing more.  but we developed a friendship outside of work and have kept in touch even though both of us have left the company that brought us together.

when we spend the highest percentage of our days and time at work more than anywhere else, how couldn't we become invested in the people we work with?  i think it's inevitable.  sure, you don't love  or have to love everyone you work with, but once in awhile you luck out with a group that becomes like a family you're tied to and accept because you care.  and when the family gets together, there's bound to be some memorable, laughable moments.

midnight madness

after a delicious thanksgiving feast (and what a feast it was!), my sisters, cousin, and i stayed up to check out the black friday deals at target. the doors were set to open at midnight so we arrived a few minutes afterward, assuming that the lines wouldn't be bad based on previous years when we went at 5 a.m. once we made it into the parking lot, we quickly discovered how wrong we had been -- the line stretched from the door down the street and there were literally people everywhere. (it appears that we're not the only crazies who'd rather stay up thanksgiving night instead of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn). we made it into the store quicker than we expected to though, only to be greeted by another line inside that was apparently for electronics. thankfully we weren't looking for any of that. we navigated the crowd as best we could, seeking items to cross off our christmas shopping lists.

when i was standing in one of the aisles, i heard someone call my name. the voice belonged to a childhood friend of mine that i probably haven't seen in close in 15 years! i was surprised she recognized me since i was wearing my glasses, but she looked exactly the same so maybe i haven't changed much in her eyes either. my mom runs into my old friends more often than i do since her and my dad moved back to our hometown, and she told me so. we chatted fairly easily as if we see each other on a regular basis. it was some kind of fluke that we ended up in the same store, in the same aisle, at the same moment.

after about an hour and a half of shopping, my sisters and i started towards check-out which wrapped around from the back of the store and around the aisles until we were assigned a cashier. the whole process took about 40 minutes of waiting, plus another 5 or so in guest services for a price adjustment since i noticed i had been overcharged. once we left the store, all of us were too tired and too shopped out to go anywhere else. was it worth it, though? i ask myself that every year and the answer is always yes. not solely because of the deals i score but because of the time spent with the sisters.

our tradition

"Our Tradition”

Thanksgiving 2011

For our family, Thanksgiving has always been the “it” holiday, even bigger than Christmas or New Years.  I wonder how this came about and all I’ve come up with is that we used to always travel for the holidays, spreading our time between relatives in Chicago and New York, enjoying the festivities that each metropolis would offer.  Come January we’d often find ourselves still packed and ready to go, facing a new year like it was another trip on the road, not quite settled before it was time to go again.  So maybe Thanksgiving simply felt like home, loyal and steadfast, a testament to us like it was ours.

After my sisters and I had left for college, my mom would always make sure to pull us back for Thanksgiving, eager to cement our plans before fall semester had concluded.  “When are you coming home?” “What should Dad and I make?” “Have you heard from your sisters?”  She would be excited to see us, our hustling, bustling family under one roof again.  Over the years, the questions are still the same and the warmth in her voice carries me all the way back to New Jersey.

This year, my mother has organized a party like no other.  I can imagine the scene now: My sisters and I in the warm kitchen (since my dad will already have something in the oven or on the stovetop) clamoring around while we wait for mom, always fashionably late, to wake from her nap.  The husbands will be undoubtedly hovering, picking at this and that while we shoo them away to watch TV.  At some point, my aunt will flurry in with her daughters and grandbaby in tow, enough of a commotion for my mom to make an appearance.  Then more cousins, complete with a chattering pair of kids, and my husband’s family, my in-laws with their arms full of food and cookies.  There will be commotion and laughs and hugs and the lingering scent of dinner, and before we know it one of my cousins will ask, “When are we eating?” and somehow we’ll squeeze the lot of us around two long tables, the piano bench serving as a couple of chairs.

For me, this is the kind of scene I look forward to each year.  Sometimes minor details will change, like what we’re cooking or the number of people showing up, but overall I can count on our togetherness.  I can count on the noise.  I can count on the stories shared and the elation felt and the promise to do it again, and soon.  Every Thanksgiving, I can count on all of you.

Dad, this was a big birthday year for you and all the more reason to celebrate.  In the thirty years I’ve had with you, you’ve shaped me in so many ways; I’ve noticed this in the most elementary practices in my life.  Thank you for your kind heart, quiet strength, and the appreciative manner in which you lead our family.  You have the ability to teach me something without my even knowing it; sometimes the advice you’ve given resonates much later, but you’ve provided me with the tools and clarity to find my way.

Mom, my fearless momma, always the strong one.  I will never forget how frightening it was for us when you were first diagnosed, then decided on surgery.  You handled each step from your operation through recovery with optimism and faith.  These days, you’re still one of the first people I call when I’m faced with a difficult situation, knowing that you’ll be there on the other end of the line with honesty and conviction.  You are my biggest advocate.

Rach, my little sister, a married woman!  It was amazing to stand with you at the altar on your wedding day, witnessing you exchange vows with your new husband.  What a blessing it is that you have found your better half, the person who completes you.  It’s humbling to see you grow into the next stage of your life: the role of devoted wife (and adventurous cook)!

Sarah, a college grad.  It was surreal attending your graduation ceremony, watching you walk across the stage to receive your diploma.  I am so very proud of you.  I’m glad you come to me to talk things out about the incredible responsibility you feel and struggles you face as a student teacher.  You do noble, giving work, and there is no one better suited for it than you.

John, welcome to the family!  I’m thankful that you’re around.  I’ve realized now that you will forever be finding something to fix or improve, taking care of business as you do with everything.  You look out for the family with a willing, generous spirit, keeping those you care about top of mind.

Anthony, my best friend, my comfort.  I am lucky not only to have an unwavering supporter, but someone who challenges me every day.  In your arms, I am safe; in your eyes, I am cherished.  You constantly show me that we can make it through anything, large or small, as long as we rely on one another, as long as we’re together.

Dad (Rediger), thank you for your considerate regard for both Anthony and me.  Without question, you consistently have our best interest at heart, whether it is packing up food for us after a visit or bringing the truck around so that we can go “shopping.”  Every plant or flower you have personally added to our garden is done carefully and thoughtfully.  Thank you for enriching our lives.

Mom (Rediger), our one-of-a-kind supermom!  If you discovered one of us in need, you would drop everything or do anything in your power to absolve us of our troubles.  It is exemplary of the gracious, inherently good, admirable person you are.  Thank you for everything you do, donating time and energy and a listening ear.

Jana, my partner in crime.  Thank you for always being there for me.  I know that you will laugh with me but cry with me too; we’re a natural pair, so whatever I feel, you feel.  Thank you for working at our relationship and keeping us connected.  I truly enjoy our little messages throughout the day!

Nan, here’s to a wise, remarkable woman.  I love hearing you tell your stories with expressive candor and ease, transporting us back into another time and place.  Your vitality is channeled through your ever-growing family, which is reflected right back at you.

To my family – this year, I thank you for tradition, our tradition, I can count on.

“Traditions are not for keeping.  They’re for keeping us together.”  –Hallmark commercial